Archive Listing
October 7, 2005 - September 30, 2005

Sunday, October 10, 2004

Not to Mention Large Parts of Europe
Blunton, Belgravia -- It is not often that InstaPunk.com gets to break news, but we truly believe we have the goods on Senator Kerry's plan to broaden the coalition dealing with Iraq, and at the same time attract a heretofore ignored ally the Bush Administration has totally mishandled.

Having been dispatched by Chain Gang at InstaPunk.com to this unknown center of European power, your humble corresponsdent has been studying up on the Kingdom of Belgravia. A monarchy in central Europe which has for the past 200 years been overlooked by every great European power and especially by the United States and the Bush Administration, Belgravia is a nation in possession of constitutionally mandated million-man army that hasn't been deployed in combat since its last great European ally, Napoleon, called upon them in the early 19th century.

Since that time, Belgravia has experienced a series of humiliating breakdowns in its diplomatic relations with all the great European powers as well as the United States. Ostracized from participation in World War I and World War II because of petty protocol conflicts with other combatant nations, the Belgravian infantry has been forced to watch the great wars in Europe and other parts of the world from the sidelines. Yet despite his country's near invisibility on the world stage, King Bel Ringade, the current monarch, has presided over one of Europe's most amazing success stories. This small country of 40 million souls now boasts the largest trade surplus in Central Europe, totalling more than $6.2 trillion dollars US in 2003. A completely socialized medical care system has achieved the highest average life expectancy in Europe at a fraction of the cost other western democracies incur to provide inferior services.

Today, Belgravia silently runs Europe's largest economy -- just over $10 trillion US in GDP -- while the EU power brokers in France, Germany, and Belgium continue to obstruct Belgravian admission rto European leadership ranks. Although a member of the U.N. since 1952, Belgravia has also been relegated to back-bench status in the world body and never been offered even a temporary seat on the U.N. Security Counsel. The blackballing of Belgravia has extended to U.S. presidential administrations as well. The Johnson Administration, during its conflict in Vietnam, spurned Belgravia's discreet offers to augment U.S. forces with crack troops from its million-man army -- just as Truman scorned Belgravian assistance during the Korean War (1950-1954).

But Belgravian diplomats have learned to take such such slights in silence. Their unique culture prizes etiquette as much as it does military adventurism. U.S. State Department insiders report that Belgravia has been locked out of martial engagements for two reasons: first, because Belgravian statesmen exhibit an "unbecoming eagerness to go to war," regardless of the political context; and second, because once insulted, the Belgravian sense of honor disallows any public expression of protest, discontent, or anger. Rather, the anger inspired by centuries of snubs is channelled into a military mindset that has been called "the most ferocious since the era of Attila the Hun." Civilized aversion to Belgravian militarism was the prime cause of Wilson's adamantine refusal of Belgravian assistance in the final year of World War I and Roosevelt's abrupt dismissal of Belgravia as an ally after Pearl Harbor. The great western nations have generally been willing to start and win savage wars, but they abhor the possibility that they may seem to be enjoying themselves as they do so. Thus it was that Bush 41 issued an emphatic "No!" to the Belgravian bid to join the Desert Storm coalition, and Bush 43 acceded to Colin Powell's demand that Belgravia be excluded from the Coalition of the Willing in the current conflict -- "willing" is one thing, and "rabidly anxious" is quite another.

Having unearthed this long hidden history, Instapunk can now report that it is the Belgravian contingent Senator Kerry was referring to when he said unnamed European leaders favored his candidacy for the Presidency. In fact, the international summit Sen. Kerry has repeatedly promised may well be held in Blunton, Belgravia.

While the mainstream media ( Source Archive) are reporting that Sen. Kerry may be unable to expand the involvement of western allies, they are completely ignoring the possibility of a very significant participation by the Belgravian army which only Senator Kerry has the bona fides to negotiate. Unnamed sources in the Kerry campaign hint that Belgravia may be willing to provide in excess of 200,000 troops on the ground in Iraq and more than $250 billion in direct aid. What would the Belgravians expect in return? Respect from the haughty peaceniks of Europe and an end to 200 years of diplomatic rudeness by Europe and the U.S.

Why does anyone think Senator Kerry could deliver Belgravian support for the foundering Coaliton of the Willing? Because only Senator Kerry possesses the nuanced sense of diplomacy that can accommodate both Belgravia's martial bloodlust and its obsessive need for punctilious politeness. Unnamed European press sources confide that the Belgravian foreign minister is perhaps the leading admirer of Kerry's position(s) on the Iraq War, privately lauding the American's ability to communicate his resolute support for victory on the ground while simultaneously insisting that the Bush administration was unforgivably ill mannered in so disrespecting Saddam by failing to tolerate another round of inspections. In Belgravia this kind of thinking is neither contradictory nor indecisive. It is, well, Belgravian.

Beyond this fundamental cultural accord, Kerry also enjoys a long history of personal ties to the Belgravian royal family. He and the King attended the same private school in Switzerland as young men, participating on the same athletic teams and excelling equally at the elaborate interteam courtesies practiced at the most elite schools AND the fight-to-the-death ruthlessness that characterized their play on the field. Since that time, Senator Kerry has continued to maintain close ties with the Belgravian hierarchy, presciently aware that such an ally might one day prove indispensible.

For all these reasons, we believe the Belgravian armed forces are the trump card so often alluded to by the Kerry campaign. His seemingly absurd contention that he can replace AMerican troops with Europeans who actually want to step into the "quagmire" of Iraq is starting to make sense.

InstaPunk may be able to secure a ring-side seat at the international summit that will be held after a new Kerry-Administration is inaugurated in January, 2005. If so, we'll provide background and continuing reports as the situation develops further.

Saturday, October 09, 2004

Friday, October 08, 2004

. . . Old Generations Go
Who will take care of you when you are old? Your children? You better take a good hard look at them. Michigan's WOOD TV 8 (Source Archive) is reporting a story that may be coming to a state near you. Aging nurses and an upcoming demand that may very well exceed the supply of nurses. As baby boomers age, who will wipe their bottoms? There is no fool like an old fool ( Psay.5A.11). Shamadamma.

Thursday, October 07, 2004

Even More:   Democracy -- Meaning Rule by Apes
For those following the Electoral Vote Predictor. As of 10/7/2004, it is Bush 264 | Kerry 253 a shift in Senator Kerry's favor from 9/30/2004 where it was Bush 280 | Kerry 254.

Wednesday, October 06, 2004

Democracy -- Meaning Rule by Apes
Please tell us that no one is watching these exchanges to decide how to cast their vote. And, also, tell us that people are not reading The New York Times to decide how to cast their vote. And, tell us that Senator Edwards did not cite the Washington Post last night in the reverential tones reserved for the words of Christ and his apostles.

Oh, and one more thing. What is with the "moderators?" Don't the Republicans get to pick one?

Tuesday, October 05, 2004

Hockey -- which is an excellent way . . .
Hi -- just tryin to keep it goin while we don't get to play the hockey. As of today the whole NHL has meesed 23 games. For the first few weeks, I showed up for the practice but nobody was there. I called my agent to find out where practice was and he said there wasn't going to be no practice because of a strike. "Is that why there has been no check?" "Yes," he told me.

I know nobody watches the hockey here in America -- I love America! -- but, I thought I would tell the people that there is no hockey to watch anyway. Since my agent said that the guys at InstaPunk would pay me a little bit to write about the hockey while I don't get to play -- or even practice. "Just don't use your real name!" he screamed at me -- but I heard him just fine. "What name should I use?" "They'll give you one." And he hung up. He said the guys are a little political sometimes, so I thought that I would talk a little politics.

How about gay marriage? What is the big deal? In the hockey, we have had the gay marriage for at least ten years when David Duchovny married Teemu Selanne -- at least that's what I heard. Teemu plays for the Colorado Avalanche, but he is not so good as me.

EDITOR'S NOTE: Mr. Duchovny is married to Ms Tea Lioni, not Teemu Selanne. But, it is Puck Punk's first column and we didn't want to get cross-wise with him -- or, more importantly, his agent who seems to be particularly grumpy these days.

The Only Place for Mankind to Go
We're not big on petitions around here, but when it is serious -- action must be taken. So, what had come to us only in the form of rumor and unsubstatiated assertions has been confirmed by a Philadelphia journalist -- Mr. Stu Bykofsky (Source Archive). Old No. 7 Black Label has been watered down! With actual water. And Stu was man enough to get Jack Daniel's Distillery on the telephone and demand an explanation. Which he got, but it was wholly unacceptable. There is a petition and all must sign and sign and sign. This is an emergency. Forget Bush, forget Kerry, forget the Islamo-terrorists -- this is serious.

Monday, October 04, 2004

White People Talk A Bunch of Different Ways
Afronetizen sounds a little suspicious about Senator Kerry and his new found friends. What? Is there something odd about a New England blue blood working side-by-side with tireless Black grassroots organizers? We wouldn't think so . . .

A Remote and Insignificant Sector of the Universe
Are you scared? Are you afraid that if we don't do something the earth will become uninhabitable because it just keeps getting hotter and hotter and hotter, until . . . well, you know the rest. Not so fast.

The Geek Press is pointing out an article that appeared at Nature.com:

Hans von Storch, a climate modeller at the GKSS Institute for Coastal Research in Geesthacht, Germany, and his colleagues. Consequently researchers might have underestimated the size of temperature fluctuations from Roman times until the nineteenth century, by a factor of two or more.

I'm not sure what all that means, but if Hans isn't worried, than we should all be free to worry about something else.

Sunday, October 03, 2004

EVEN MORE:    Democracy -- Meaning Rule by Apes

So the choice for America is, you can have a plan that I've laid out in four points, each of which I can tell you more about or you can go to johnkerry.com and see more of it; or you have the president's plan, which is four words: more of the same. I think my plan is better.

Senator John Kerry, 9/30/2004

This caught our ear when we heard it because it may be the first time a website was called out during a Presidential debate. Our initial thoughts were, "Wow. That would be a great place to lay out a full plan for the security of the United States." And, "H-m-m-m, maybe our enemies could use such a detailed plan to bolster their own planning." And, "Maybe we've been too hard on Senator Kerry, thinking he hadn't really said anything specific about the security of the United States;" Or, "Maybe it is our own laziness that has caused us to misjudge this man . . . "

So, it was with great interest, fear, and trepidation that we stopped by JohnKerry.com. Here is the plan, in its entirety:

Today, we face three great challenges above all others - First, to win the global war against terror; Second, to stop the spread of nuclear, biological and chemical weapons; Third, to promote democracy, freedom, and opportunity around the world, starting by winning the peace in Iraq. To meet these challenges, John Kerry's national security policy will be guided by four imperatives:

Launch And Lead A New Era Of Alliances
The threat of terrorism demands alliances on a global scale - to utilize every available resource to get the terrorists before they can strike at us. As president, John Kerry will lead a coalition of the able - because no force on earth is more able than the United States and its allies.

Modernize The World's Most Powerful Military To Meet New Threats
John Kerry and John Edwards have a plan to transform the world's most powerful military to better address the modern threats of terrorism and proliferation, while ensuring that we have enough properly trained and equipped troops to meet our enduring strategic and regional missions.

Deploy All That Is In America's Arsenal
The war on terror cannot be won by military might alone. As president, John Kerry will deploy all the forces in America's arsenal - our diplomacy, our intelligence system, our economic power, and the appeal of our values and ideas - to make America more secure and prevent a new generation of terrorists from emerging.

Free America From Its Dangerous Dependence On Mideast Oil
To secure our full independence and freedom, we must free America from its dangerous dependence on Mideast oil. By tapping American ingenuity, we can achieve that goal while growing our economy and protecting our environment.

That's it? That's the plan? [Like Bruce Willis in Armageddon.] You couldn't bring those points up in the framework of the debate? You couldn't rattle those four platitudes off in about fifteen seconds? Oh, that wouldn't have sounded like much of a plan. And, it doesn't. Whew! We're not that lazy afterall.

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