July 4, 2006 - June 27, 2006
Friday, July 01, 2005
Drudge to announce
Jessica Simpson as
Supreme Court nominee
Precedent: the creation of a
"celebrity seat" on the Supreme Court.
. InstaPunk's XOFF News Team has learned that the
Drudge Report will break InstaPunk's XOFF News Team has learned that the
Drudge Report will break this story
to unnamed White House sources, the administration is responding to the
increasing importance of celebrities in the national life. "It's time
to recognize that famous people are a new and growing segment of the
populace and should be represented -- like women and minorities -- in
the makeup of the court," said a Bush administration spokesperson.
believe Jessica will play a valuable role on the court based on her
experience as a singer, actress, TV star, and veteran of the new
"reality" shows that are making average Americans into celebrities on a
of all kinds have special needs that should be voiced in the
considerations of the Supreme Court."
Inside the Beltway, politicians are already reacting predictably.
Senator Orrin Hatch is privately hailing the move as a "master stroke
that finally recognizes the unique needs of a growing and crucially
Democrats, meanwhile, are expressing outrage at the nomination. Senator
Edward Kennedy said of the Simpson nomination, "It's a disgrace to the nation. We in the Democratic Party
have called for a celebrity seat on the court for years, but it's a
betrayal for this president to nominate a candidate of such mediocre
qualifications. What is needed is a celebrity jurist of the caliber of
Susan Sarandon, who has played an attorney at least once and has been
politically active in progressive causes for years. She is smarter,
more mature, and has much larger breasts than the president's woefully
lacklustre choice. I am dimayed."
Senator John Kerry was equally wroth. "I simply can't believe that this
president, at this stage in world affairs, when the country is mired in
yet another Vietnam, would not nominate a candidate possessed of
, such as Madonna, who has
gained the vitally necessary experience in European sensibilities and
innovations that are needed to erase the gap between Republicans and
Democrats in America," he said. "Instead, this president has seen fit
to put forward a wealthy young naif of negligible breastage who cannot speak French, German, or
Belgian. How can she possibly contribute meaningfully to the
deliberations of the U.S. Supreme Court?"
In anticipation of the approval fight to come, units of the Maryland
National Guard began surrounding the Capitol building this evening with
8800 tons of sandbags.
We'll keep you informed as more details emerge.
Thursday, June 30, 2005
Live8: Bigger by the
Reunions & Comebacks Galore
Harrison Jimi Hendrix
Kurt Cobain & Buddy Holly Keith Richards
ROCKING ROLL MUSIC
. Promoters of the impending Live8 concert have
the best for last. Interest in the event had already reached fever
Tens of thousands of people were
queuing today for a second chance to get tickets for the Live8 concert
in Hyde Park.
Many had spent the night outside theatres and concert halls around the
country in order to get some of the 55,000 free tickets to watch the
event on giant screens in the park.
In London, fans endured torrential rainstorms as they camped out.
But now, the public's apparently insatiable demand for middle-aged rock
stars is about to experience a rush as potent as a fatal heroin
overdose. Concert czar Bob Geldoff, Duke of St. Johns Wood, has
revealed a plethora of new additions to the Live8 performer lineup,
including John Lennon and George Harrison, who will team up with Sir Ringo
Starr and Lord Viscount Paul McCartney for a full-boat Beatles reunion, plus the late
Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Jim Morrison reunited with the legendary
Doors, Kurt Cobain, Buddy Holly, and most incredibly of all the long
and still deceased Keith Richards.
We had the unique opportunity to conduct a sit down interview with
these superstars at Geldoff's office in the U.K. It was an informal
session. We asked some questions of the group, and the stars spoke up as
they felt inclined. Here's a partial transcript.
News. It's great to see you all. People the world over have been
wanting to see you perform again for decades. What is it about this
event that has tempted you back into the limelight?
Buddy Holly. It's the debt
thing. We just can't stand by and do nothing while the Third World
suffocates under the usurious greed of the industrial nations.
John Lennon. You got that
Janis Joplin. Right on. Anybody
here got a little something to drink?
Kurt Cobain. Yeah, it's the
debt thing. And we also feel like we maybe owe it to our fans.
Jim Morrison. Did somebody say
something about a drink? Count me in on that.
Jimi Hendrix. That's right,
dog. I've always been really concerned about the Third World, and,
like, what those American bitches were doin to it. I also didn't like
all that s__t I been hearing about Live8 being only old white dudes.
(Turning to Morrison) Here, Jim, give this a try.
XOFF News. What do you honestly
expect is going to happen as a result of this concert? Do you think that
music actually has the power to remedy an international financial mess
involving hundreds of billions of dollars?
Morrison. Cool. This s__t rocks.
Joplin. Can I have some?
Cobain. That would be good.
George Harrison. How much? Did
you say hundreds of billions?
Jeez. That's more than Paul makes in a year.
Keith Richards. Don't hog all
that blow, Jimi. You know, I gotta say, you all look terrible. And Janis
doll, I'd appreciate it if you'd keep your hands to yourself.
XOFF News. Now that we've
covered the politics, let's move on to the fun stuff. How does anybody
feel about seeing the Beatles and the Doors all back together again?
Morrison. Geldoff. Pass me that
bottle of Wild Turkey on your desk, would you? Thanks.
Joplin. Don't be a pig, Jim.
Leave some for somebody else, would you?
Richards. Let's say we get rid
of these reporters and do a little jamming.
Lennon. I have a short written
statement I'd like to read about world peace and the crushing burden of
international debt. Could somebody lend me some reading glasses?
Morrison. Go f__k yourself,
John. You always were a g_d__n bore.
Lennon. Who you calling a bore,
you drunken sod? I'll smash you in your fat face in a minute.
Hendrix. Keith, what do you say
we get the f__k out of here and find a party and some ho's?
Richards. Dog, you took the
words right out of my mouth. (Exeunt.)
XOFF News. Well, thank you all
very much. I'm sure I speak for the whole world when I tell you we're
all looking forward to the concert.
Joplin. Is anybody else getting
horny? [General free-for-all]
Yes, it was a rare privilege to meet the giants of music history. It's
no wonder at all that Live8 is being billed as the greatest musical
event since Madonna's Blond Ambition Tour. Like all the other fans, we
just can't wait.
Be sure to wake us when it starts.
[Editor's Note: the music file accompanying this page is Janis Joplin's
new recording of the classic "Wild Thing," soon to be on iPods
Obama contemplating his
THE WORST THING YOU CAN DO
Peggy Noonan better look out. She wrote a column
this week that's bound to get her noticed by the biggest heads in
Washington. Here's a sample:
This week comes the previously careful
Sen. Barack Obama, flapping his wings in Time magazine and explaining
that he's a lot like Abraham Lincoln, only sort of better. "In
Lincoln's rise from poverty, his ultimate mastery of language and law,
his capacity to overcome personal loss and remain determined in the
face of repeated defeat--in all this he reminded me not just of my own
Oh. So that's what Lincoln's for.
Actually Lincoln's life is a lot like Mr. Obama's. Lincoln came from a
lean-to in the backwoods. His mother died when he was 9. The Lincolns
had no money, no standing. Lincoln educated himself, reading law on his
own, working as a field hand, a store clerk and a raft hand on the
Mississippi. He also split some rails. He entered politics, knew more
defeat than victory, and went on to lead the nation through its
greatest trauma, the Civil War, and past its greatest sin, slavery.
Barack Obama, the son of two University
of Hawaii students, went to Columbia and Harvard Law after attending a
private academy that taught the children of the Hawaiian royal family.
He made his name in politics as an aggressive Chicago vote hustler in
Bill Clinton's first campaign for the presidency.
You see the similarities.
Rather delightfully, she gives much the same treatment to the
senators who forged the "no
, except..." deal (McCain,
McCain, etc), as well as Silent Majority Leader Bill Frist, the
Clintons, and Supreme Court justices Ruth Bader-Ginsberg and John Paul
("The Great") Stevens. In her coda she imagines the latter two retiring
from the court to write their memoirs, which might go something like
Like Jefferson I held to principle,
and like Lincoln I often lacked air conditioning. But in my
intellectual gifts I've always found myself to be more like Oliver
Wendell Holmes . . .
She wants to know what is in the water in Washington, DC. We want to
know what is going on with Peggy Noonan. Has she accomplished some kind
of astral body soul swap with Ann Coulter? Ms. Noonan is often clever
and perceptive, but she is never uproariously funny. Not like this. And
our suspicions were heightened when we checked out Ms. Coulter's latest
which is uncharacteristically grave and lacking in yucks:
That's the America you live in! A
country founded on a compact with God, forged from the idea that all
men are endowed by their Creator with certain inalienable rights is now
a country where taxpayers can be forced to subsidize "artistic"
exhibits of aborted fetuses. But don't start thinking about putting up
a Ten Commandments display. That's offensive!
feel like chuckling?
You see? And that's why we're worried about Peggy. Heaven knows, Ann
Coulter's used to the abuse
that flow from being a conservative with a wicked
sense of humor. She's at the peak of training for dodging liberal
brickbats, the slings and arrows of outrageous pundits, and the
occasional cream pie that passes for reasoned argument in the halls of
academe. But is Peggy up to this?
Ann Coulter skillfully avoiding the
trajectory of an intellectually superior pie.
We suggest that Ms. Noonan immediately
hire a personal trainer and begin a gruelling regimen of twice daily
dodgeball workouts before venturing out in public again. The other
alternative would be for Ms. Noonan to go back to being Peggy Noonan
and leave being Ann Coulter to Ann Coulter.
No disrespect intended to either lady.
Just trying to be of service.
UPDATE: Thanks for the link from PoliPundit -- welcome to
PoliPundit.com visitors. Feel free to take a look around.
Wednesday, June 29, 2005
Tragedy strikes the 'Today' family.
"HE IS HISTORY, AND I
AM STILL TODAY'S HEADLINE..."
Life is so unfair. Matt
tries to branch out from his Today
base and cash in just a little
on his popularity as the smarmy girlie-man sidekick of NBC's perkiest
dominatrix and what happens? He takes the mass-media
equivalent of a
shotgun blast to the face. He has to stand there and pretend to like it
when the numbskull TV viewers of America choose Ronald Reagan as the
"Greatest American." Who could have guessed? The nominees included
Tom Cruise, and Michael
, for God's
sake. And Matt had really done his usual
on the presentation
and production end. When it was time to discuss the relative
candidacies of Bill Clinton and George W. Bush, for example, Matt was
masterly in his subliminal communication
In summarizing the lives of the 25
finalists in the Discovery Channel's "Greatest American" contest, NBC's
Matt Lauer on Sunday night labeled Bill Clinton as "brilliant" before trumpeting
"Under Clinton the economy boomed -- deficits turned into surplus --
and more than 22 million jobs were created. Along with the character
flaws and the subpoenas came peace and prosperity." The brief segment
did not feature any explicit criticisms of Clinton's presidency, but
when it came to George W. Bush, whom Lauer described as "our
tough-talking, language-mangling Commander-in-Chief
who most Americans
just want to hang out with," Discovery put on musician "Moby," who
declared over flag-draped coffins: "From my perspective, you cannot
call yourself a Christian, talk about the sanctity of life, and then
support the death penalty, and support a war."
It must have been disquieting when three Republicans made the list of
ten finalists, but one of them was Abraham Lincoln, and both FDR and
Bill Clinton made the cut too. Who could have foreseen the terrible
things would take?
The program "Greatest American," has
aired on the Discovery Channel for the last month; originally starting
with the Top 100 Greatest Americans of All Time. The list was ridiculed
and ripped apart for major exclusions of what some would consider
"obvious members" of the list as well as the inclusions of people such
as Ellen Degeneres, Brett Favre, Dr.Phil, and Oprah Winfrey.
The Top 100 dwindled down to a Top 10 two weeks ago, where
10. Franklin D.Roosevelt
9. Oprah Winfrey
8. Elvis Presley
6. President George W. Bush
The Top 5 was named last night with sections of the studio squared off
for the crowd's favorite.
5. Ben Franklin
3. Martin Luther King Jr.
Then it came down to two Republican presidents Abe Lincoln and Ronald
President Reagan beat Lincoln for the top spot by just 0.5% of the vote.
Approximately 2.5 million people voted in the final vote via telephone
and America Online.
O Calamity! O Horrors! Oh, Mommy, what have they done to your poor
little boy? Reagan? Reagan? REAGAN? REAGAN?
AND HE HAD TO PRETEND TO LIKE
IT. O WEEPING AND WAILING AND GNASHING OF TEETH.
There really aren't any words that can take away the pain at a time
like this, and we're reluctant to do more than gravely shake Matt's
hand while a tear drips slowly down our cheek, but the desire to say
something helpful is too strong to overcome. So, in addition to our
condolences, we'd like to offer Matt an empty platitude or two to show
that our heart is in the right place. Time is the great healer, Matt.
Someday -- perhaps in a year, or two, or five -- you will awaken as a whole
girlie-man once again. The
sun will shine, the birds will sing, and Katie will nod briefly in your
direction before storming into the producer's office for another
knock-down-drag-out brawl. Trust us on this, Matt. You will
recover, and maybe you'll even
write a bestselling book about your heroic conquest of post-traumatic
shock syndrome. Tom Cruise could play you in the movie.
Does any of this help at all? No? Okay. We'll just tiptoe out of the
room now and leave you alone. Sorry.