Archive Listing
February 13, 2007 - February 6, 2007
Thursday, April 06, 2006
The New Katie
Meredith
Vereira
THE MANTLE OF ED. Are you ready, America? Here's our new national mommy. Her name is Meredith Vereira, and she's the one who's going to be shouting 'Rise and shine' at us every weekday morning on the Today Show. Like me, I know you're hoping that she'll be a good mommy, filled with hatred for all things Republican and Christian and filled with love for all things saccharine, socialist, female, and paranoiacally child-related. With any luck she'll share Katie's certainty that George Bush is destroying the country, that Islam means 'Peace,' that Maya Angelou is a greater poet than T. S. Eliot, and that the definition of good journalism is smiling sweetly while while you ask hostile and unfair questions of those who disagree with your moronic assumptions about matters of politics, culture, religion, and the raising of undisciplined psychopaths.
We don't doubt she's equipped with the uniquely female stamina for interminable discussions about child seats in cars and the ineradicable genetic flaws of men. But does she also have the requisite perky narcissism to show off her colonoscopy, breast cancer exam, pap smear, and home pregnancy test on live TV while we're all trying to eat breakfast? And does she have the balls to keep Matt Lauer in his assigned place as NBC's eunuch-in-chief? Only time will tell, but you've got to admit she's got the hips for it.
As for the old Katie, well, we hope her first year's salary is strato-huge-ic, because when she sits her big ass down in that anchor chair, it's the last time anyone will ever lay eyes on her. The news is bad enough as it is. When it's being read to us by an aged elf with a series of impenetrable grudges against the country that made her a gazillionaire, it's unwatchable.
Good night, Katie, and good luck.
posted at
12:21 pm
by
The Glimmers
CONTEST!
WE'RE SO SMART. To understand the context of this event, go here and make sure to read the Update.
Got it? Good. We're looking for the member of the GOP leadership who would be best in the role of Tuco from The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly. Entries should be written in the Comments section of InstaPunk or emailed to the address shown elsewhere on this page. They should be funny, witty, or otherwise amusing.
If nothing is funny, witty, or amusing, we won't report. If you are, we'll be laudatory. That's the prize.
posted at
5:18 pm
by
The Headhouse Gang
Wednesday, April 05, 2006
No Delay for Delay
The
Man with No Delay
DAVE.52.1-18. We've heard of politicians who leave office and subsequently offer up some opinions that are more candid than the exigencies of political life allow. But Tom "The Hammer" Delay is clearly in the process of setting a new record. He started spouting off within hours of announcing his resignation, which means he's now shooting from the hip while still a member of Congress. That's what we call a fast gun. Frankly, he was fanning so many shots across the horizon yesterday, that's it hard to determine who exactly he took down first, but here's our preliminary count of the initial victims:
The GOP Leadership
The Washington Times reports that:
Departing Rep. Tom DeLay of Texas said
yesterday that House Republicans have no vision or agenda and have let
the Democrats choose the GOP leadership.
Bang.
The Democrat Leadership (with collateral damage to Republicans)
Again from the Washington Times:
"The only reason I was indicted [was]
the stupid rule that allows the Democrats to pick the Republican
leadership," Mr. DeLay said.
He was referring to a party rule requiring that any Republican indicted for a crime give up his leadership post. Mr. DeLay has contended that is why the Democrats, who have no such rule, persuaded Ronnie Earle to seek a grand jury indictment of Mr. DeLay and keep seeking it until he got one.
He was referring to a party rule requiring that any Republican indicted for a crime give up his leadership post. Mr. DeLay has contended that is why the Democrats, who have no such rule, persuaded Ronnie Earle to seek a grand jury indictment of Mr. DeLay and keep seeking it until he got one.
Bang.
John McCain
Ibid:
He warned that if the immigration bill
sponsored by Sens. John McCain and Edward M. Kennedy becomes law, it
"would seriously undermine our own base" and cost Republicans seats in
the November elections. The House "should not conference with the
Senate on something we haven't discussed in the House."
Bang.
Cynthia McKinney
Human Events Online is reporting that:
Soon-to-retire Rep. Tom DeLay (R.-Tex.)
said today he would file an ethics complaint against Rep. Cynthia
McKinney (D.-Ga.) for striking a Capitol Police officer should no other
House member do so first.
DeLay’s comments came during a wide-ranging interview at his Capitol Hill office with reporters, including HUMAN EVENTS Editor Terry Jeffrey.
“If nobody in this House files an ethics charge, I am,” DeLay said in response to a question about McKinney. “Her behavior is outrageous. And it’s not the only time.”
DeLay’s comments came during a wide-ranging interview at his Capitol Hill office with reporters, including HUMAN EVENTS Editor Terry Jeffrey.
“If nobody in this House files an ethics charge, I am,” DeLay said in response to a question about McKinney. “Her behavior is outrageous. And it’s not the only time.”
Bang.
Then he blew the smoke from his revolver, established a meaningful personal and historical context for his outrage (ouch), and fired again:
The subject of McKinney came up after
DeLay recounted a fond memory he had of a Capitol Police officer killed
in the line of duty. When asked about his best and worst days as a
lawmaker, he said his best day was the GOP’s sweep in 1994.
The worst day, he recalled, was July 24, 1998, when Capitol Police Detective John Gibson was shot to death by Russell Weston Jr. in DeLay’s office. Fellow officer Jacob “J.J.” Chestnut was also killed that day protecting the congressman’s staff from the gunman.
The episode prompted DeLay to erect a tribute to Gibson on his office wall. He told reporters that a plaque he keeps in his office with the words “This Could Be the Day” serves as a reminder of Gibson, who had discussed its meaning with DeLay only two days before he was killed.
The worst day, he recalled, was July 24, 1998, when Capitol Police Detective John Gibson was shot to death by Russell Weston Jr. in DeLay’s office. Fellow officer Jacob “J.J.” Chestnut was also killed that day protecting the congressman’s staff from the gunman.
The episode prompted DeLay to erect a tribute to Gibson on his office wall. He told reporters that a plaque he keeps in his office with the words “This Could Be the Day” serves as a reminder of Gibson, who had discussed its meaning with DeLay only two days before he was killed.
Bang, bang.
THIS JUST IN... MORE UNCONFIRMED REPORTS OF GUNFIRE FROM TOM DELAY...
We can't verify this because it's only an unlinked item on Drudge, but here's what's coming over the wires:
REP. DELAY ON FOXNEWS: 'Cynthia
McKinney is a racist. She has a long history of racism. Everything is
racism with her. This is incredible arrogance, and -- that sometimes
hits these members of congress, but especially Cynthia McKinney'...
Bang, bang, bang, bang.
POSTSCRIPT. We don't know where all this is going, of course, but we can't help hoping -- like the evil conservatives we are -- that Tom reloads his shooting irons and moves out after some additional targets. We have no objection if he pauses along the way to take out Ronnie Earle, who would look much better with a Texas-style epithet branded between his eyes, but we'd also like to suggest that Tom shoot off his mouth -- with cold and deadly candor -- about the real corruption in Congress: the scruple-free cabal of rich and pampered aristocrats who are trying to assassinate the presidency of George Bush and cripple the foreign policy of the United States at one of the most precarious moments in our history. His gunbelt ought to include rhetorical bullets engraved with the names of Thomas Feingold, Charles Schumer, Teddy Kennedy, Richard Durbin, Harry Reid, Barbara Boxer, Tom Harkin, Joseph Biden, John Kerry, Hillary Clinton, Nancy Pelosi, Charles Rangel, James McDermott, Maxine Waters, John Dingel, and Barney Frank. These people are all more despicable than even Lee Van Cleef would have the stomach to play. Collateral damage is acceptable. If bringing down Feingold mortally wounds the career of John McCain, so be it. If Lincoln Chafee, Chuck Hagel, Howard Dean, and the Lords of the MSM should get caught in the crossfire by unlucky accident, that would be okay, too, especially if some Hollywood celebrities are hanging out in the same filthy saloon.
If Tom is still in one piece after that, we'd really appreciate it if he'd also take aim at the naysayers who are trying to dispel the rumor of Scott McClellan's imminent (and crucial) departure and do what comes naturally. Maybe other members of the GOP could acquire some spine by example. You don't have to be all good and nicey-nicey to accomplish some indisensable objectives. It's called remembering the mission.
Of course, we know that makes us seem uncivil. But we can live with that. We bet a lot of you could too.
UPDATE. Do you remember the scene where Clint outdraws Lee Van Cleef and then shoots his hat into the open grave before he makes Eli Wallach put a noose around his own neck? Sure you do. Well, we've reached the part where Lee is surprised as hell to discover he's beeen shot.
We won't make any jokes about shooting McKinney's hat because Neal Boortz is still recovering from the apology he had to make about her headwear, but we will allow ourselves to speculate about who gets to be Eli Wallach in the big scene. Who in the GOP leadership would look best teetering on a wooden cross while dangling from a tree branch and waiting for Clint to shoot (or not) the rope that will otherwise hang him?
