JURASSIC FUNNIES. So
now the scientists are announcing new dinosaurs at a pretty rapid rate
again. Most recently, we got this:
What's 7 feet tall, 13 feet long, armed
with sickle-like claws and covered with feathers? Hagryphus giganteus,
the new raptor dinosaur discovered in southern Utah.
The dinosaur was unveiled this week in a pair of press conferences held
by the Utah Museum of Natural History, one on Monday in Escalante, near
its discovery site, and the other on Tuesday in the museum on the
University of Utah campus...
The name means "giant four-footed, bird-like god of the western
desert," said Lindsay Zanno, a graduate student at the U. who named it
and is the lead author of a paper describing the animal. The paper was
published in the Journal of Vertebrate Paleontology.
Only about 7 percent of the fossil was recovered, said Scott Sampson,
the museum's chief curator. That consisted of hand and feet bones,
including the impression of the sharp keratin sheath that was curved
like a huge cat's claw.
All they have of it is hand and leg bones, but they know it had
feathers. They know it had feathers?
Does anybody else suspect that the scientists are just playing with us
now? For some reason they got tired of the reptile dinosaurs and
decided they were really birds instead. So they start giving us
pictures like the one above, all nicely colored in and adorned with
poultry-like cartilage crowns, which, of course, they have recovered exactly none of.
I think they're laughing. I think they're going to see just how far
they can go with this made up crap until somebody notices that the
whole thing is a Confidencegameius
Giganticus, which is paleontology
In the meantime I expect we'll see additional exciting announcements of
new 'dinosaurs' like the two below.
It's just not working for me. I miss the old romping, stomping
'terrible lizards.' I don't want them to be just chickens the size of
airliners. What does anybody else think?
Thursday, April 06, 2006
The New Katie
THE MANTLE OF ED.
Are you ready, America? Here's our new national mommy. Her name is Meredith
Vereira, and she's the one who's going to be shouting 'Rise and
shine' at us every weekday morning on the Today Show. Like me, I know you're
hoping that she'll be a good mommy, filled with hatred for all things
Republican and Christian and filled with love for all things
saccharine, socialist, female, and paranoiacally child-related. With any
luck she'll share Katie's certainty that George Bush is destroying the
country, that Islam means 'Peace,' that Maya Angelou is a greater poet
than T. S. Eliot, and that the definition of good journalism is smiling
sweetly while while you ask hostile and unfair questions of those who
with your moronic assumptions about matters of politics, culture,
religion, and the raising of undisciplined psychopaths.
We don't doubt she's equipped with the uniquely female stamina for
interminable discussions about child seats in cars and the ineradicable
genetic flaws of men. But does she also have the requisite perky
narcissism to show off her colonoscopy,
breast cancer exam, pap smear, and home pregnancy test on live TV while
we're all trying to eat breakfast? And does she have the balls to keep
Matt Lauer in his assigned place as NBC's eunuch-in-chief? Only time
will tell, but you've got
to admit she's got the hips for it.
As for the old Katie, well, we hope her first year's salary is
strato-huge-ic, because when she sits her big ass down in that anchor
chair, it's the last time anyone will ever lay eyes on her. The
news is bad enough as it is. When it's being read to us by an aged elf
with a series of impenetrable grudges against the country that made her
a gazillionaire, it's unwatchable.
Good night, Katie, and good luck.
SO SMART. To understand the context of this event, go here
and make sure to read the Update.
Got it? Good. We're looking for the member of the GOP leadership who
would be best in the role of Tuco from The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly.
Entries should be written in the Comments section of InstaPunk or
emailed to the address shown elsewhere on this page. They should be
funny, witty, or otherwise amusing.
If nothing is funny, witty, or amusing, we won't report. If you are,
we'll be laudatory. That's the prize.
We've heard of politicians who leave office and subsequently offer up
some opinions that are more candid than the exigencies of political
life allow. But Tom "The Hammer" Delay is clearly in the process of
setting a new record. He started spouting off within hours of announcing his resignation, which
means he's now shooting from the hip while still a member of Congress.
That's what we call a fast
gun. Frankly, he was fanning so many shots across the horizon
yesterday, that's it hard to determine who exactly he took down first,
but here's our preliminary count of the initial victims:
Departing Rep. Tom DeLay of Texas said
yesterday that House Republicans have no vision or agenda and have let
the Democrats choose the GOP leadership.
The Democrat Leadership (with
collateral damage to Republicans)
Again from the Washington Times:
"The only reason I was indicted [was]
the stupid rule that allows the Democrats to pick the Republican
leadership," Mr. DeLay said.
He was referring to a party rule requiring that any Republican indicted
for a crime give up his leadership post. Mr. DeLay has contended that
is why the Democrats, who have no such rule, persuaded Ronnie Earle to
seek a grand jury indictment of Mr. DeLay and keep seeking it until he
He warned that if the immigration bill
sponsored by Sens. John McCain and Edward M. Kennedy becomes law, it
"would seriously undermine our own base" and cost Republicans seats in
the November elections. The House "should not conference with the
Senate on something we haven't discussed in the House."
Soon-to-retire Rep. Tom DeLay (R.-Tex.)
said today he would file an ethics complaint against Rep. Cynthia
McKinney (D.-Ga.) for striking a Capitol Police officer should no other
House member do so first.
DeLay’s comments came during a wide-ranging interview at his Capitol
Hill office with reporters, including HUMAN EVENTS Editor Terry Jeffrey.
“If nobody in this House files an ethics charge, I am,” DeLay said in
response to a question about McKinney. “Her behavior is outrageous. And
it’s not the only time.”
Then he blew the smoke from his revolver, established a meaningful
personal and historical context for his outrage (ouch), and fired again:
The subject of McKinney came up after
DeLay recounted a fond memory he had of a Capitol Police officer killed
in the line of duty. When asked about his best and worst days as a
lawmaker, he said his best day was the GOP’s sweep in 1994.
The worst day, he recalled, was July 24, 1998, when Capitol Police
Detective John Gibson was shot to death by Russell Weston Jr. in
DeLay’s office. Fellow officer Jacob “J.J.” Chestnut was also killed
that day protecting the congressman’s staff from the gunman.
The episode prompted DeLay to erect a tribute to Gibson on his office
wall. He told reporters that a plaque he keeps in his office with the
words “This Could Be the Day” serves as a reminder of Gibson, who had
discussed its meaning with DeLay only two days before he was killed.
THIS JUST IN... MORE UNCONFIRMED REPORTS OF GUNFIRE FROM TOM DELAY...
We can't verify this because it's only an unlinked item on Drudge, but here's what's coming
over the wires:
REP. DELAY ON FOXNEWS: 'Cynthia
McKinney is a racist. She has a long history of racism. Everything is
racism with her. This is incredible arrogance, and -- that sometimes
hits these members of congress, but especially Cynthia McKinney'...
Bang, bang, bang, bang.
POSTSCRIPT. We don't know where
all this is going, of course, but we can't help hoping -- like the evil
conservatives we are -- that Tom reloads his shooting irons and moves
out after some additional targets. We have no objection if he pauses
along the way to take out Ronnie
Earle, who would look much better with a Texas-style epithet
branded between his eyes, but we'd also like to suggest that Tom shoot
off his mouth -- with cold and deadly candor -- about the real corruption in Congress: the
scruple-free cabal of rich and pampered aristocrats
who are trying to assassinate the presidency of George Bush and cripple
the foreign policy of the United States at one of the most precarious
moments in our history. His gunbelt ought to include rhetorical bullets
engraved with the names of Thomas Feingold, Charles Schumer, Teddy
Kennedy, Richard Durbin, Harry Reid, Barbara Boxer, Tom Harkin, Joseph
Biden, John Kerry, Hillary Clinton, Nancy Pelosi, Charles Rangel, James
McDermott, Maxine Waters, John Dingel, and Barney Frank.
These people are all more despicable than even Lee Van Cleef would have
the stomach to play. Collateral damage is acceptable. If bringing down
Feingold mortally wounds the career of John McCain, so be it. If
Lincoln Chafee, Chuck Hagel, Howard Dean, and the Lords of the MSM
should get caught in the crossfire by unlucky accident, that would be
okay, too, especially if some Hollywood celebrities
are hanging out in the same filthy saloon.
If Tom is still in one piece after that, we'd really appreciate it if
he'd also take aim at the naysayers who are trying to dispel the rumor of
Scott McClellan's imminent (and crucial)
departure and do what comes naturally. Maybe other members of the GOP
could acquire some spine by example. You don't have to be all good and nicey-nicey to
accomplish some indisensable objectives. It's called remembering
Of course, we know that makes us seem uncivil. But we
can live with that. We bet a lot of you could too.
Do you remember the scene where Clint outdraws Lee Van Cleef and then
shoots his hat into the open grave before he makes Eli Wallach put a
noose around his own neck? Sure you do. Well, we've reached the part
where Lee is surprised as hell to discover he's beeen shot.
We won't make any jokes about shooting McKinney's hat because Neal
Boortz is still recovering from the apology he had to make about her headwear, but
we will allow ourselves to speculate about who gets to be Eli Wallach
in the big scene. Who in the GOP leadership would look best teetering
on a wooden cross while dangling from a tree branch and waiting for
Clint to shoot (or not) the rope that will otherwise hang him?
We give up. You decide. Contest rules are detailed in one of our
for April 6, 2006.
The Headhouse Gang
Tuesday, April 04, 2006
Beheading Error Exposed
NYT Publisher Sulzberger and editors
Keller, Geddes, Landman, and Abramson
Major figures at the New York Times
were refusing to comment today about reports that the onetime "paper of
record" had once again been caught publishing unverified rumors
considered damaging to the Iraqi war effort.
Times headline, March 27: 30
Beheaded Bodies Found; Iraqi Death Squads Blamed
BAGHDAD, Iraq, March 26 — The bodies of
30 beheaded men were found on a main highway near Baquba this evening,
providing more evidence that the death squads in Iraq are becoming out
But blazing headlines notwithstanding, the odd thing about those
headless bodies that provided more evidence that death squads in Iraq
were out of control is that nobody ever claims to have actually seen
The Mudville Gazette has the full story
Reynolds), including the accurate reporting done by Stars and
Stripes about the insurgent activity that led to the rumor and
feeble, buried corrections subsequently muttered by the Times.
The XOFF News Team tried repeatedly to obtain some explanation for this
gross abdication of journalistic standards from NYT managing editors
Jill Abramson and John Geddes, deputy managing editor Jonathan Landman,
executive editor Bill Keller, and publisher Pinch Sulzberger, but were
told the five principals were engaged in an all-day meeting of the
editorial board. (Something about a group photograph, we understand.)
"It's getting to be like the Emperor's New Clothes," complained one
anonymous source. "We're all supposed to act like nothing's wrong
around here, but the more news the higher-ups see fit to print, the
more us reporters feel like our bare asses are being hung out to dry.
We're sick of getting laughed at."
The anonymous source's colleague and secret mistress added, "Yeah. The
only ones who are getting promoted these days are the ones who dream up
even fancier ways of hiding all the corrections in the seventeenth
paragraph of some unrelated story. If there'd been this many idiotic
mistakes in the old days, you'd have been sure that some heads were
going to roll."
Apparently, though, heads won't be rolling anytime soon at the Times,
except maybe in fictitious dispatches from Iraq still to come. The
explanation for this bizarre slide into unethical incompetence remains
a mystery to all but the editorial heads of America's largest tabloid
newspaper, and for whatever reason, they have chosen to stand mute.
Every once in a while we can't help recognizing a moment when
someone acute has taken the pulse of the situation we're in in a
concise and correct fashion. It happened today. All his points have
been covered here in the past, but we applaud the starkness of
If we’re going to win a long,
ideological war, we need our primary schools to [teach] our children
what patriotism is - and for the most part, they don’t. We need our
college professors to give our best and brightest the intellectual
ammunition to confront our destroyers – and for the most part, they
don’t. We need our public thinkers to defend our laws and our way of
life against foreign aggression – and for the most part, they don’t. We
need our entertainers to choose the home team – and for the most part,
they don’t. We need our politicians to show the backbone of Churchill,
but for the most part, they don’t. And we need our military to
understand, embrace, and put everything on the line for their country.
One out of six? That’s pretty bad. Is it enough? Probably not.
Ordinarily, we'd say read the whole thing. This time, we'll recommend
something different: just follow the links in this one paragraph.
You probably won't be any happier about it than we are.
How many victims do we
have to see before we start taking action on
behalf of public safety? Within just the past week we've had two highly
disturbing incidents. First, there was this:
Super model Naomi Campbell was charged
with second-degree assault by the Manhattan Criminal Court Friday after
allegedly bashing her 41-year-old housekeeper in the head with a cell
phone... The assault occurred about 8:30 a.m. Thursday at Campbell's
apartment on Park Avenue, the police said.
(S)everal witnesses have said the
officer involved asked McKinney to stop three times. When she refused,
he placed a hand on her shoulder, at which time she whirled around and
struck him on the chest with her cell phone.
Please, let's bear in mind the two victims here:
black women ensnared and victimized by cell phones.
Now look at the cell phone gear pictured above. It's far worse than an
attractive nuisance. It's begging to be viewed and wielded as a weapon.
They even come in holsters,
for God's sake. How can we possibly expect talented, assertive, and
volatile women of color to resist the urge to draw that thing and fire
it right at whoever dares to earn their wrath? It's impossible.
If we keep on in this reckless way, allowing these sinister instruments
to be available on the market in whatever form bigoted capitalist
corporations run by white men decide will sell, we could be looking at
a slaughter of epic proportions and millions of needless, unjust
incarcerations. We don't want to lose the Campbells and McKinneys. We
can't afford to lose the Oprahs, Goldbergs, Malveauxs, and Houstons to
this new plague of violence.
Don't help a good woman go bad. Write
your congressperson today to demand serious cell phone control
Also, thanks to Michelle
Malkin for the link. Us news babes have to stick together.