Instapun*** Archive Listing

Archive Listing
February 24, 2008 - February 17, 2008

Friday, November 03, 2006

Pre-Election Bombshell!

Lawn Jockey Slams Malkin,
Steele, and the Republicans

XOFF NEWS. In a desperate attempt to find something, anything, outrageous to put in print on the last Friday before the election, XOFF News reporters have tracked down the most senior Lawn Jockey in Maryland to get his response to this quote from Michelle Malkin's blog:

Steele has tapped into bubbling discontent among independent-thinking minority voters--a phenomenon ignored by MSM elites intent on smearing him as an Uncle Tom, sellout, or "lawn jockey" and pandering to the tired, old liberal establishment.

Lemuel Jones, as he likes to be called, has spent a lifetime guarding the front entrance of one of the oldest surviving mansions in Annapolis, Maryland. But that doesn't mean he's a traitor to his race.

"I've voted straight Democratic in every election they take me to," he said in a personal interview Friday. "Just who is that Malkin woman to be telling stories about me? She's one of those Asians, isn't she? Probably Korean. Or Jewish. I've got no use for her kind."

On the touchy subject of whether he's going to vote for Maryland's black senate candidate, Michael Steele, Mr. Jones is firm: "He's a Republican. I don't vote for Republicans, white, black, brown, or purple. Never did. Never will. Period. So if my ride shows up, I'm going for the other fella."

Why, he's asked, do people continually think that black people of his profession are closet conservatives, capitalists, and other despicable things?

"I don't know," he says. "I never even had an Uncle Tom. Maybe it's the uniiform. I'd like to put my cap on backward and wear my pants underneath my buttocks like all the other homeys white women like so much, but I wasn't allowed to go to college in my day, so this is the kind of job I have to take. But I'll tell you one thing," he adds, "I'm no sellout. I don't ever smile at all the rich white crackers who drive through this entrance. And that goes double for Michael Steele and all the other white, racist Republicans -- like that no-account Malkin broad. And that Bush. Did I tell you how much I hate the President? Well, I do. Any more questions?"

No. That's about it. Now, if you'll excuse us, we have to track down a lead about Laura Bush's torrid sexual affair with Lynn Cheney and George Bush's secret deal to let Halliburton strip-mine all the blue states for coal slag. One of these stories just has to break in time to make sure the Dems win the Senate on Tuesday. Trust us. Would we lie?

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Breathing Deeply

WARNING. No. We're not going there. NOT. Try this instead. Log off the usual crap. Forget Michellle Malkin's guilt-ridden 'Come home to Mama and vote Republican' schtick. Get away from Glenn Reynolds's misdirection and sly shilling for Harold Ford and a Dem Congress. GET THE WEDGE OUT OF YOUR BAG and start focusing. HERE. Your life depends on it.

Okay, then. Feel better now? Good.

Monday, October 30, 2006

This message comes to you from the InstaPunk Emergency Broadcast System. Please turn off your television sets, radios, and computers, and do not read any newspapers, magazines, or other periodicals until further notice. THIS IS NOT A DRILL. Exposure to mass media in any form for the next week is likely to cause severe damage to the brain and nervous system. All Civil Defense Monitoring Systems are registering the highest levels of toxic political propaganda ever recorded.  REPEAT: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.

To keep you and your family safe during the present mental health crisis, we recommend the following specific measures:

1. If you live in a rural area, go outdoors and take private walks, being careful to stay away from neighbors (who may be politically radioactive), your front door and the mailbox (both of which are likely to be contaminated with political fliers), but do not venture out to your place of employment, where the risk of political contagion is exceptionally hazardous.

2.  If you live in the city or suburbs, remain indoors at all times. The danger of exposure to toxic political signage is highest in these areas.

3. Do not answer the telephone. There is a high risk that callers may be pollsters, "Get Out the Vote" cyborgs, or other infectious political agents.

4.  If you must read, confine your reading to books written prior to the twentieth century. Any content which may cause you to recollect current political issues or topics may aggravate existing low-level infections to dangerous levels.

5. It is urgently recommended that you refrain from turning on the television at all, but if you are an addict, confine your watching to the Home & Garden Channel, the Food Channel, and QVC. For the present all entertainment shows, news programming, and even sports commentary are likely to be laced with insane political commentary, and all commercial broadcasting will be interleaved with potentially fatal political advertising.

6. Spend all available free time drinking heavily and doing as many drugs as possible. You have reached a safe level of intoxication when you cannot remember how to turn on the radio.

7. If you must turn on your computer to catch up with online news services or blogs of any description (even those you normally agree with), shoot yourself in the head first, with the largest caliber bullet available. Right now, they are ALL insane.

8. Wait for the All Clear, which should be broadcast universally sometime after Wednesday, November 8, though perhaps much later than that if contemporary trends continue.

9. If you must leave your domicile to vote, you're on your own.


Back to Archive Index

Amazon Honor System Contribute to Learn More