February 24, 2008 - February 17, 2008
Friday, November 03, 2006
Lawn Jockey Slams
Steele, and the Republicans
. In a
desperate attempt to find something, anything, outrageous to put in
print on the last Friday before the election, XOFF News reporters have
tracked down the most senior Lawn Jockey in Maryland to get his
response to this quote from Michelle Malkin's
Steele has tapped into bubbling
discontent among independent-thinking minority voters--a phenomenon
ignored by MSM elites intent on smearing him as an Uncle Tom, sellout,
or "lawn jockey" and pandering to the tired, old liberal establishment.
Lemuel Jones, as he likes to be called, has spent a lifetime guarding
the front entrance of one of the oldest surviving mansions in
Annapolis, Maryland. But that doesn't mean he's a traitor to his race.
"I've voted straight Democratic in every election they take me to," he
said in a personal interview Friday. "Just who is that Malkin woman to
be telling stories about me? She's one of those Asians, isn't she?
Probably Korean. Or Jewish. I've got no use for her kind."
On the touchy subject of whether he's going to vote for Maryland's
black senate candidate, Michael Steele, Mr. Jones is firm: "He's a
Republican. I don't vote for Republicans, white, black, brown, or
purple. Never did. Never will. Period. So if my ride shows up, I'm
going for the other fella."
Why, he's asked, do people continually think that black people of his
profession are closet conservatives, capitalists, and other despicable
"I don't know," he says. "I never even had an Uncle Tom. Maybe it's the
uniiform. I'd like to put my cap on backward and wear my pants
underneath my buttocks like all the other homeys white women like so
much, but I wasn't allowed to go to college in my day, so this is the
kind of job I have to take. But I'll tell you one thing," he adds, "I'm
no sellout. I don't ever
smile at all the rich white crackers who drive through this entrance.
And that goes double for Michael Steele and all the other white, racist
Republicans -- like that no-account Malkin broad. And that Bush. Did I tell you how much I hate the President? Well, I do. Any more questions?"
No. That's about it. Now, if you'll excuse us, we have to track down a
lead about Laura Bush's torrid sexual affair with Lynn Cheney and
George Bush's secret deal to let Halliburton strip-mine all the blue
states for coal slag. One of these stories just has to break in time to
make sure the Dems win the Senate on Tuesday. Trust us. Would we lie?
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
No. We're not going there. NOT. Try this instead. Log off the
usual crap. Forget Michellle Malkin's guilt-ridden 'Come home to Mama and vote Republican' schtick. Get away from Glenn Reynolds's misdirection and sly
shilling for Harold Ford and a Dem Congress. GET THE WEDGE OUT
OF YOUR BAG and start focusing. HERE
life depends on it.
Okay, then. Feel better now? Good.
Monday, October 30, 2006
This message comes to you from the InstaPunk Emergency Broadcast
System. Please turn off your television sets, radios, and computers,
and do not read any newspapers, magazines, or other periodicals until
further notice. THIS IS NOT A DRILL. Exposure to mass media in any form
for the next week is likely to cause severe damage to the brain and
nervous system. All Civil Defense Monitoring Systems are registering
the highest levels of toxic political propaganda ever recorded.
REPEAT: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
To keep you and your family safe during the present mental health
crisis, we recommend the following specific measures:
1. If you live in a rural area, go outdoors and take private walks,
being careful to stay away from neighbors (who may be politically
radioactive), your front door and the mailbox (both of which are likely
to be contaminated with political fliers), but do not venture out to your
place of employment, where the risk of political contagion is
2. If you live in the city or suburbs, remain indoors at all
times. The danger of exposure to toxic political signage is highest in
3. Do not answer the telephone. There is a high risk that callers may
be pollsters, "Get Out the Vote" cyborgs, or other infectious
4. If you must read, confine your reading to books written prior
to the twentieth century. Any content which may cause you to recollect
current political issues or topics may aggravate existing low-level
infections to dangerous levels.
5. It is urgently recommended that you refrain from turning on the
television at all, but if you are an addict, confine your watching to
the Home & Garden Channel, the Food Channel, and QVC. For the
present all entertainment shows, news programming, and even sports
commentary are likely to be laced with insane political
commentary, and all commercial broadcasting will be interleaved with
potentially fatal political advertising.
6. Spend all available free time drinking heavily and doing as many
drugs as possible. You have reached a safe level of intoxication when
you cannot remember how to turn on the radio.
7. If you must turn on your computer to catch up with online news
services or blogs of any description (even those you normally agree with), shoot yourself in the head first,
with the largest caliber bullet available. Right now, they are ALL insane.
8. Wait for the All Clear, which should be broadcast universally
sometime after Wednesday, November 8, though perhaps much later than that if
contemporary trends continue.
9. If you must leave your domicile to vote, you're on your own.
END OF MESSAGE FROM THE INSTAPUNK EMERGENCY BROADCAST SYSTEM.