November 8, 2007 - November 1, 2007
Monday, November 06, 2006
Dems win, Earth explodes
By a shockingly huge margin, the Democrats took control of both houses
of the United States Congress tomorrow, November 7, paving the way for
Nancy Pelosi (D), California, to become Speaker of the House and Harry
Reid (D), Nevada, to become Majority Leader of the Senate.
In a related development, the planet earth spontaneously exploded a few
hours later, extinguishing hundreds of endangered species and fouling
the environment in ways too numerous to mention. In addition, the
planet's six and a half billion human inhabitants were instantaneously
vaporized by the blast, which Speaker-Elect Pelosi described as "yet
another example of the gross negligence and incompetence of the Bush
Final vote tallies were not available due to the destruction wreaked by
the end of life as we know it, but it is believed that the Democrats
gained more than 40 seats in the House and more than 10 in the Senate.
Majority Leader-Elect Reid called it "a ringing affirmation of the
policies and positions of the Democratic Party" and said it proved that
"the American people have rejected the unilateralism and elitist tax
policies of the Republicans."
Reid went on to express his "grave disappointment" about the
annihilation of the earth, "because now we will be denied our rightful
opportunity to demonstrate to the people of America and the world that
the United States can protect itself without being a military bully, a
sadistic jailer, or a tactless eavesdropper on private conversations
between political activists at home and abroad.
"The world would have been a much better place," he said, "if only Bush
and his cronies hadn't blown it up. We Democrats just plain care more about people, and now we'll never get the chance to prove it. It's a pisser."
Reid and Pelosi both promised extensive hearings to assign blame to the
President for the "criminal failure of this administration to prevent
the death of everyone and everything."
Presidential press secretary Tony Snow called the Democrat charges
"purely political" and said the evidence suggested the explosion was caused by the "unthinkable Democratic victory," not Republican malfeasance. He added that FEMA was responding to the disaster "as
well as can be expected under the circumstances."
He also said that the heavy Republican losses in the election were
caused largely by an unexpectedly low turnout and professed the belief
that people hadn't lost faith in the administration but had fallen prey
to "the natural desire for change we've seen time and again in the
sixth year of a presidency."
Various pollsters who failed to predict the enormity of the Democratic
landslide could not be reached for comment.
Friday, November 03, 2006
Lawn Jockey Slams
Steele, and the Republicans
. In a
desperate attempt to find something, anything, outrageous to put in
print on the last Friday before the election, XOFF News reporters have
tracked down the most senior Lawn Jockey in Maryland to get his
response to this quote from Michelle Malkin's
Steele has tapped into bubbling
discontent among independent-thinking minority voters--a phenomenon
ignored by MSM elites intent on smearing him as an Uncle Tom, sellout,
or "lawn jockey" and pandering to the tired, old liberal establishment.
Lemuel Jones, as he likes to be called, has spent a lifetime guarding
the front entrance of one of the oldest surviving mansions in
Annapolis, Maryland. But that doesn't mean he's a traitor to his race.
"I've voted straight Democratic in every election they take me to," he
said in a personal interview Friday. "Just who is that Malkin woman to
be telling stories about me? She's one of those Asians, isn't she?
Probably Korean. Or Jewish. I've got no use for her kind."
On the touchy subject of whether he's going to vote for Maryland's
black senate candidate, Michael Steele, Mr. Jones is firm: "He's a
Republican. I don't vote for Republicans, white, black, brown, or
purple. Never did. Never will. Period. So if my ride shows up, I'm
going for the other fella."
Why, he's asked, do people continually think that black people of his
profession are closet conservatives, capitalists, and other despicable
"I don't know," he says. "I never even had an Uncle Tom. Maybe it's the
uniiform. I'd like to put my cap on backward and wear my pants
underneath my buttocks like all the other homeys white women like so
much, but I wasn't allowed to go to college in my day, so this is the
kind of job I have to take. But I'll tell you one thing," he adds, "I'm
no sellout. I don't ever
smile at all the rich white crackers who drive through this entrance.
And that goes double for Michael Steele and all the other white, racist
Republicans -- like that no-account Malkin broad. And that Bush. Did I tell you how much I hate the President? Well, I do. Any more questions?"
No. That's about it. Now, if you'll excuse us, we have to track down a
lead about Laura Bush's torrid sexual affair with Lynn Cheney and
George Bush's secret deal to let Halliburton strip-mine all the blue
states for coal slag. One of these stories just has to break in time to
make sure the Dems win the Senate on Tuesday. Trust us. Would we lie?
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
No. We're not going there. NOT. Try this instead. Log off the
usual crap. Forget Michellle Malkin's guilt-ridden 'Come home to Mama and vote Republican' schtick. Get away from Glenn Reynolds's misdirection and sly
shilling for Harold Ford and a Dem Congress. GET THE WEDGE OUT
OF YOUR BAG and start focusing. HERE
life depends on it.
Okay, then. Feel better now? Good.