Instapun*** Archive Listing

Archive Listing
January 18, 2009 - January 11, 2009

Friday, October 19, 2007

The Friday Follies

Believe it or not, this is a test.*

TGIF. What a ridiculous week this has been. Not just because Congress has been making a fool of itself, although it has, of course. The highlight (i.e., lowlight) was yet another anti-Bush, anti-military tirade by a mentally ill Dem congressman named Pete Stark during the same week when Harry Reid's letter denouncing Limbaugh for smearing the troops is racking up scornfully huge bids at eBay. While the whole right-o-sphere is guffawing at this latest example of lefty hypocrisy, the Democrat leadership doesn't even have the wit to disavow Stark's contemptible rant. In fact, Speaker Pelosi even compounded the foolishness of Reid's attack on Limbaugh by blaming the defeat of the SChip middle-class entitlement bill on "hate radio."

But Congress aside, the greatest craziness of the week belongs to the ladies, who have been cha-cha-ing through the news with reckless abandon as if it were their whole purpose in life to make clear that the female sex is every bit as lewd, venal, corrupt, stupid, and immoral as the bad boys they find so irresistible.

The one great cause on which they all agree, for example, is breast cancer, the second biggest killer among the various cancers (exceeded only by prostate cancer) and the most ubiquitous and lauded raison d'etre for charity drives ranging from pink-ribboned bake sales to pink-ribboned marathons (and this week, pink whistles for football referees!!?), with the result that the color pink has, in the minds of many, become instantly evocative not of femininity per se, but mastectomies. Thanks for that. And now the selling of the cause has entered a perverse new phase, in which cancer and sexuality are somehow merged. New ways of "promoting breast cancer awareness" unveiled this week include wet T-shirt contests and even dry T-shirts that look like this:

"Save 2nd Base." Is it supposed to be as creepy as it is?

Thank goodness that so far men have had the neanderthal stoicism to die silently of prostate cancer without making any attempt whatever to raise awareness of the anatomy of their disease. But what will the "girls" do next to get more attention? I'm sure it'll be as subtle as a pair of bazookas. Cha cha cha.

To be fair, there are other accomplices in the squeamifying of the connotations of pink. A couple of these were also big in the news this week. The nutty anti-American ladies who call themselves Code Pink managed to embarrass themselves and the city of Berkeley by getting outnumbered by counter-protesters at their protest of a Marine recruiting office near the UCB campus.

Eventually they did. But "home" for Code Pink these days happens to be Nancy Pelosi's front lawn. Cha cha cha.

Camp Pelosi.

And then there's Britney Spears. Who took time out this week from defying her family court judge and losing visitation rights with her two (apparently unwanted) boys to show off her own favorite connotation (NSFW) to more paparazzi. Cha.

We all know that Britney used to be a role model for pre-teen girls, although she isn't anymore. Except for the girls who are having sex at the age of 11 in middle schools. But they have rights, too. A coalition of teachers and mothers voted this week to allow a middle school in Maine to dispense birth control pills to sixth grade girls without parental notification. Did you get that? Without parental notification. Yes, we concerned and doting mothers have no need to know if our children are ingesting powerful hormones that have never been subjected to long-term testing on 11 year old girls because it would have been frankly irresponsible and dangerous to do so. Never forget that we mothers can be as dumb as a box of rocks too, not to mention too morally retarded to be allowed out in public.

Of course, if we squint in just the right way, we can see their side of it. What with Britney and Lindsay and Paris, etc, there's absolutely nothing they can do to prevent their girl children from becoming sleazy whores within a matter of days after reaching puberty. Who would know better about that than the sleazy whores emancipated women who dropped them in the first place? Cha cha cha.

It will be argued, naturally, that men really shouldn't have any opinion about this sort of thing because we can never know what it's like to be a sex-crazed girl, a 21st century woman, or a mother. And especially a mother. That's why, apparently, the Hillary Clinton campaign is so confident that the female support for her will cut right across lines of party, ideological principle, and moral values. Yes, this is also the week in which we learned that at least one out of four Republican women will abandon all her intellectual stands on political issues and vote (with that curious Mona Lisa smile, no doubt) a Mother-in-Chief boasting zero executive experience into the White House. Cha cha cha.

Meanwhile, the Great Mother herself is dancing up a storm, effortlessly smiling, laughing, and twirling her way around at least five scandals that would be fatal to the candidacy of any white male politician (excluding Bill, I admit.)

There's the Peter Paul civil fraud trial in which hubby Bill is a defendant and Hillary is a material witness.

There's the continuously unfolding Hsu campaign financing scandal (and I absolutely refuse to do one of those terrible InstaPUNdit puns about "dancing Hsus.")

There's the long-smoldering Ray Reggie campaign finance scandal.

There's the brand new Chinatown campaign finance scandal.

There's the Sandy Berger-as-foreign-policy-adviser scandal.

And then there are all the other old Clinton scandals in which Hillary has managed to step-step-step around any number of possible indictments for perjury, obstruction, bribery, and FEC felonies. Could these pop up again to knock Hillary off balance and maybe even off her pedestal? No. Not so long as all the mothers regard sheer maternity as an absolute trump card over the demands of law, reason, and decency.

(btw, please contrast the female icon of America with this truly brave, accomplished, and principled woman who has quit a life of luxury and ease to confront the murderously evil forces in her country at enormous personal risk. She's not dancing. She's marching. Let's hope she's not alone.)

Cha cha cha.

*  EXPLAINING THE GRAPHIC. The gif file (h/t to Gabriel at AOS) is a test of whether you're right-brain or left brain dominant. Here are the originator's instructions:

Do you see the dancer turning clockwise or anti-clockwise?

If clockwise, then you use more of the right side of the brain and vice versa.

Most of us would see the dancer turning anti-clockwise though you can try to focus and change the direction; see if you can do it.

uses logic
detail oriented
facts rule
words and language
present and past
math and science
can comprehend
order/pattern perception
knows object name
reality based
forms strategies

uses feeling
"big picture" oriented
imagination rules
symbols and images
present and future
philosophy & religion
can "get it" (i.e. meaning)
spatial perception
knows object function
fantasy based
presents possibilities
risk taking

I think it's supposed to be the case that men tend to be left brain dominant and women right brain dominant, though there will be many exceptions all round. For the record, I saw the figure rotating counter-clockwise first, and then it flipped spontaneously into a clockwise motion. It keeps doing that without any effort on my part. As I said, there will be many exceptions. One exception I believe will turn up among the kind of women reviewed in the Follies today is an entirely different kind of brain organization, illustrated below.

If this is how the gif file looks to you, I wish you only the best and hope you're happy with Britney, Hillary, and company. You definitely deserve one another.

Cha cha cha.

UPDATE. Commenter Maggie suggests the Friday Follies should have noted this as well. But I feel more guilty for failing to mention the new Valerie Plame book ("Valerie lied, the MSM cried.") and the tortuously reported saga of Randi Rhodes and her regrettable but weirdly propagandized collision with a concrete curb. And the Gorgon reporter who terrorized a 70-year-old man for defending his life with a gun. And Ellen's self-absorbed nervous breakdown on national TV. And Peggy Noonan's truly strange meltdown into guarded but wistful fantasies about Hillary. And Maureen Dowd's odd attempt at seeming to have a sense of humor by subletting her column to a vandal court jester who mocked her but smiled so sweetly she didn't notice. Anyone want to try the brain test on the general population?

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Dream Season

Fight, Temple, Fight (the audio clip).

AS REQUESTED. It's been painful to watch the Temple Owls football team struggling so hard to overcome their losing ways. It's clear that they are dedicated and enthusiastic, and there has been some progress. Last year's campaign, for example, was less than memorable:

One win.

They've been doing better this year...

Two wins.

...but look at who they still have to play. Penn State? The Nittany Lions are considered the biggest threat on No. 1 Ohio State's schedule prior to the season-ending confrontation with Michigan. University of Miami? Sure, the Hurricanes have lost a few games, but they still have a winning record in a schedule filled with big-time opponents. And need we mention that Temple has already been whacked this year by the University of Buffalo(?) and Army(?!).

It's time to give the Owls a fighting chance, a real opportunity to obtain that elusive winning season. Herewith we propose a schedule that actually makes sense for Philadelphia's most embattled football team.

1. Northeastern University. They're a huge university, but they also don't have the slightest idea how to play football. This year, they're 1 and 5, and they've even lost to the tiny University of Delaware.

2. University of Minnesota. You want a Big-Ten team on the schedule? Fine. But forget Penn State. Go with the Golden Gophers, who know more about tunnelling under the turf than running and passing on top of it. They're 1 and 6 this year, including a loss to Bowling Green, the lone victim of Temple's 2006 season.

3. Columbia University. After the big-school challenges of the first two games, Temple will need a bye-week. The Columbia Lions are the doormat of the Ivy league. Their 1 and 4 record to date in 2007 is about as good as it ever gets for them. Last week they gave up 59 points against Penn. Penn! Even the Owls can phone this one in.

4. Marshall University. They keep yelling "We are Marshall." They should be yelling, "We are 0 and 6." What can an owl do against a thundering herd? Plenty, we suspect.

5. North Texas State. They're 1 and 5, including a loss to something called Louisiana-Lafayette. They certainly have no business playing Oklahoma, who beat them 79-10. Send them an invitation. They'll probably be delighted to get it.

6. Florida International. No, we don't know who these guys are, either. Sometimes it seems like ESPN or somebody is just making up universities on the fly to make sure they have enough scores whizzing by on the ticker. Still, they appear to have a schedule, and this year they've turned in a perfect 0 and 6 performance thus far. Here in Philly, we can't wait to get at'em.

7. Duke University. As far as we're concerned, their 1 and 6 record this year couldn't have happened to a more deserving school. We just love to see Duke get creamed. Let's do it right here next year.

8. Utah State. Maybe God is on the Momons' side generally, but He doesn't seem to be on Utah State's side. They're 0 and 6, which makes them perfect for the latter stage of Temple's 2008 campaign.

9. UNLV. All right. Every year has to have a tough challenge or two, and UNLV will be about as tough as they come based on their 2 and 5 record this fall. Remember, we're working for a winning season, not an unbeaten one.

10. Dartmouth College. After the titanic showdown with UNLV, the Owls will need another breather. Dartmouth should fill the bill nicely, having cruised to a 1 and 4 start in this year's Ivy League snoozer of a season.

11. VMI. Yes, they're 2 and 5 so far, which arouses some cause for concern. But don't forget they got clocked 63-16 by lowly William and Mary. Besides, their comparatively impressive won-loss record will add luster to a season some Temple critics might criticize as a shade too easy. We can't have that, can we?

12. Rice University. The perfect season-ender. The Owls of Rice (1 and 5) against the Owls of Temple. It should be a real hoot.

We think our recommendations are a doable and long overdue adjustment in the Temple football program. What do you think?

Armenian Genocide

Look familiar?

INCONVENIENT HOLOCAUSTS. I understand the political dance that's going on with regard to Nancy Pelosi's resolution condemning the Armenian genocide. I understand that she's pandering to an Armenian constituency in her district. I understand that in insisting upon passage of such a resolution at this moment in time, the Democrats are very possibly trying to sabotage the Bush administration's delicate relations with the Turkish government.

However. There is something in all the written and spoken punditry about the matter that I object to; namely, that one can wade through an awful lot of discussion about the political intricacies of the resolution without ever hearing a reference to the number of Armenians who died.

The number is 1.5 million. That's like exterminating every man, woman, and child in the state of Idaho. It's ten times the death toll of Hiroshima. I don't think the word 'massacre' exactly covers it. So I don't blame the Armenians for being mad or for pressing the point even if the timing isn't right. And I do blame the various conservative talkers for downplaying the enormity of what happened  in order to make their political case for tabling or withdrawing the resolution.

Has it occurred to anyone -- Democrats and Republicans alike -- that what the Armenians really want is for people to know what happened, the same way we know what happened to the Jews and Gypsies and others in Hitler's Germany?

What's more, the fact of an Armenian genocide is relevant to the current worldwide political situation. The Ottoman Empire which committed the Armenian genocide was the best example we had in the twentieth century of what we might expect from a transnational muslim caliphate. Could the Islamists liberals are so anxious to apologize for carry out similar pogroms against their infidel enemies? Yes indeedy. Have no doubt of it. Why do we think Attaturk was so determined to make his new Turkic state rigidly secular? Why? Think about it. Or are you one of the ones who still chooses to think Ahdumjihad would never really try to wipe out Israel?

I propose that the resolution be allowed to die in Congress, as looks to be its fate now, BUT that we also honor the memory of the Armenian holocaust by actually learning something about it. Perhaps that would be some measure of balm to a people who have suffered for so long in obscurity.

A radical idea? Perhaps. It's hard to look at the facts and pictures without experiencing some pain ourselves. Too hard to do? I think not.

Here's an FAQ about the Armenian Genocide.

Here's a map of the locations of atrocities and concentration camps.

Here are some photo galleries of the victims.

Take a good long look before you dismiss the latest Democrat maneuver so airily. Politics aside, there's a very real grievance here, and there's no praise due to anyone who wants merely to sweep it under the rug. Just because it falls out of the headlines doesn't mean it goes away. It doesn't. Nor should we want that or allow it to happen.

1.5 million.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Damn Rockies

Who ARE they? Does anyone know?

PSAYINGS.5S.1-4. I mean that in a good way. They remind me of the mythic team a hapless Senators fan sold his soul to the devil to beat, only to discover that all the Yankees had already signed the same contract. Those damned Yankees played with grim, unflagging brilliance. Their eyes glowed with Mephistophelian menace. They never made mortal mistakes.

That's how the Rockies strike me. I watched them bludgeon the Phillies and the Diamondbacks. I still don't know most of their names. They seem lacking in idiosyncracies, as if they are generic but archetypal ballplayers, timeless and determinedly anonymous. I know that this is mostly a function of the fact that they're not from New York or Boston, where the word 'player' has a social meaning as important as its sport meaning, but I find myself liking their facelessness. They have appeared, apparently from nowhere, to win relentlessly with unstoppable bats, an unhittable bullpen, and the best fielding ever displayed by a major league team. I don't want to know their names. They seem like a kind of inevitable poetic justice sent from who knows where to punish the star-crazed culture of 21st century sports.

I'm pretty sure Mephistopheles doesn't have anything to do with their juggernaut march to the World Series. Pretty sure. But if he does, only God can save the Red Sox or the Indians from a humiliatng sweep. I mean, what if the Rockies whose names and faces we somehow can't quite remember are actually possessed by the spirits of baseball greats from the days when the game was played for love and glory instead of money? Who could stop such a phantom roster from teaching a very necessary lesson? Who would want to stop them?

Not me.

Go, Rockies.

P.S. You wanted more sports, Alpha. Will this do? Or must I also publish my dream schedule for the persecuted Temple Owls? Also, because I haven't seen anyone else do the right thing on this point, I want to wish Randi Rhodes of Air America a speedy and complete recovery. Apparently she fell while walking her dog and is in a great deal of pain. Get well soon.

Monday, October 15, 2007

What's Likely to Happen

THE AMERICAN WAY. One thing that's really missing from our national political dialogue is serious contemplation of the future. That's because both major parties are locked into their own discrete time zones. The Democrats occupy a fantasy time past that could be called "What shouldn't have been allowed to happen," in which they rail about irrevocable decisions they would have made differently, thus preventing the unacceptable present. The Republicans confine themselves to the crisis-driven time present of "What can't be allowed to happen," in which their view of the future is blocked by one or two possible outcomes so terrible they believe everyone must dread them as fearfully as they do. The mainstream media straddle these two zones, creating an unreal superposition of past and present which projects the impossible proposition that the only way forward is to somehow repeal the recent past and initiate a do-over. Life as a video game with a reset option.

But there is no reset option. Regardless of our preferences, the future will unfold before us, good and bad, and it is not entirely unknowable. The propensities of key players are far from mysterious. All we have to do is recognize those propensities and consider how they will probably play out. Here's an example of that process.

1. Bush has won his last major battle in office. The war will continue and the Democrats will shift their focus to electoral victory in 2008 rather than American defeat in Iraq. In all other respects, the administration is too paralyzed and impotent to undertake serious action against Iran or the terrorist regimes in Syria and the Palestinian territories.

2. The Democrats will nominate Hillary Clinton. She's the supreme symbol of the fantasy past they long for -- that very brief moment in history after the Cold War and before 9/11, when America could hold the world at bay with vaguely worded treaties and concern itself with domestic prosperity and feel-good social policy gestures. Further, they have fierce, irrational faith in her ability to punish Republicans for the brutal termination of what they simply cannot see as a mere intermission in the incredibly costly and nasty interactions between America and the rest of the world.

3. The Republicans will nominate Rudy Giuliani because they simply must have a warrior candidate -- first, to have any kind of chance against the incredibly unscrupulous and dirty campaign Hillary will run against any Republican, and second, to stop the unthinkable from happening if he should somehow be elected president. Romney doesn't have the cold-blooded aggression to pull the trigger on enemies foreign or domestic. Thompson is just too comfortable to rouse himself for any kind of fight. So Giuliani will get the nod, the religious right will remain true to their own rigid fantasy of turning back the clock, and they will stay home on election day.

4. Hillary will win the presidency. She will campaign on a platform of domestic giveaway programs, international negotiation to restore American popularity in the world, and doing all the right and necessary things to head off the catastrophe of global warming. Giuliani will try to make voters care about the need to defeat Islamic fascism, and he will promise to give away money too, though less than Hillary. But the voters are tired of Islamic fascism and wish it would just go away. They also think it's better to get more stuff for free rather than less stuff. And since Hillary won't be able to give them the maximum stuff without a veto-proof Congress, they will give her that, too. It's time for a change.

5. Hillary will give a great inauguration speech that will remind everyone of FDR's New Deal. During her honeymoon period she will finally pass legislation taxing the evil rich enough and use the money to pay for a new national health care program. Congress will take the lead in repealing the Patriot Act and passing new laws extending constitutional protections to illegal immigrants and foreign nationals. The Guantanamo facility will be shut down, its prisoners set free or remanded to civilian courts for due process. As Commander-in-Chief, Clinton will take a wait-and-see approach in Iraq, while senior officers resign in droves from the U.S. military, and re-enlistments plummet in every branch of service. Troop drawdowns will therefore become absolutely necessary, regardless of the military situation in Iraq, and the Clinton administration will respond by launching ambitious negotiations with Iran, Saudi Arabia and Syria to obtain a pan-Arabian treaty securing stability in Iraq. As one of the necessary terms of the treaty, the administration will coerce the exhausted Israelis into accepting the final steps of partitioning Jerusalem, granting the "right-of-return" to exiled Palestinians, and recognizing Hamas as the rightful government of the Palestinian state.

6. When the troops begin to come home from Iraq, sectarian violence will increase dramatically as Syrian and Iranian reinforcements rearm al Qaeda and insurgent militias. The military will be embarrassed by humiliating and bloody tactical blunders, as well as emerging scandals of corruption, malfeasance, and civilian atrocities. Military morale will reach an all-time low. Congress will launch investigations of senior military officers. Assad and Ahdumjihad will deny involvement in the renewed Iraqi violence, although they will eventually be compelled to send in peacekeeping troops to "support" the failing Iraqi government. All-out civil war will ensue.

7. Belatedly, the European nations will express concern about the dramatic increase in Iran's nuclear program, and they will put up a fairly united front in objecting to Vladimir Putin's overt technical and military aid to Iran. The Cinton administration will conduct multi-lateral negotiations with Putin to obtain a treaty securing their cooperation in stabilizing the middle east, part of which will involve decommitting the U.S. to missile defense. At some point, while all this negotiating is going on, the Musharaff government will be overthrown, and Pakistan will fall into civil war. The administration will ask the U.N. for assistance in ending the violence, resulting in endless talks, and U.S. troops will be transferred from Iraq to Afghanistan in a show of force designed to deter extremists from exporting or otherwise exploiting Pakistan's unprotected nuclear arsenal.

8. In the dwindling period before Palestinians begin returning to Israel, Ahdumjihad will launch a surprise nuclear strike on Israel which will be only partially successful. Over a million Israelis will die outright, and another million will be poisoned or sickened with radiation. The partially successful Israeli counterattack will likewise kill a million Iranians and stop the flow of Iranian oil to the west. The Clinton administration will threaten the use of American military power to prevent Syria from invading crippled Israel. American aid will flow to Israel and Iran, and elsewhere in the world, nations will send aid to Iran. The U.N. will meet to condemn the actions of both Israel and Iran in using nuclear weapons.

9. Vladimir Putin will dramatically raise the price of Russian oil while the middle east writhes in chaos and Islamists worldwide launch terrorist attacks on targets of opportunity, including Iraqi and Saudi oilfields. This will catalyze a worldwide recession that causes governments to fall in Europe in favor of political coalitions seeking to placate Russia by breaking their alliances with the U.S. The sudden economic downturn in China will also convince that government to secure its own oil supply by forming an overt alliance with Putin's Russia and providing military "aid," including troops, to Pakistan and Iran.

10. To protect Americans and prevent a wider war, the Clinton administration will recall the U.S. Navy to guard the American coasts. As rumors of missing and stolen nukes proliferate, President Clinton will also declare a policy of immediate nuclear retaliation against the country of origin in the event of any terrorist nuclear attack on the U.S. The planned emergency evacuation of surviving Israelis will, regrettably but unavoidably, be cancelled. American academics will be jubilant about the sudden end of "the American empire." The New York Times, the Washington Post, Time, Newsweek, and all the television news networks will produce multi-part series explaining why and how all these events are George W. Bush's fault. After many congressional investigations and a televised criminal trial, he will be sentenced to a federal SuperMax prison for life. Dan Rather will pull his comfy old sweater out of mothballs and return to the anchor chair at CBS News. At the end of his first newscast, he will utter his old valedictory, "Courage."

How do you like the future so far? No wonder none of our leaders wants to talk about anything but the past and the present.


Sporting America is prostrate with awe.

GODS. Now that the intellectually and socially elite among us have decided that the proper religion of America is atheism, something has to be found to take the place of the old religious superstitions which once condemned us to red-state barbarism. Thankfully, the Brahmin state of Massachusetts has come to the rescue. The new national substitute for God is the New England Patriots, who underwent a divine transfiguration during last night's defeat of the evil red-state Cowboys and attained what the sportscaster-priests of ESPN (the "Enlightened Super-Patriot Nation") could only describe as "perfection."  In fact, NBC's Sunday Night Football announcers Al Michaels and John Madden were actually converted to the new faith on the air and fell to their knees in prayer. "Truly, this team is the Alpha and Obama of the universe," proclaimed Madden, lighting a devotional candle in the booth as the second quarter drew to a close. At halftime NBC political-sports polymath Keith Olbermann was moved to confess his own sexual impotence and scornfully named himself the Worst Person in the NFL.

Numerous miracles were reported throughout the Boston area beginning in the fourth quarter. A woman from Dedham was instantaneously cured of Restless Leg Syndrome. A wheelchair-bound Vietnam-era veteran discovered that his General Discharge was suddenly transformed to an Honorable Discharge with commendations. An anorexic girl with low self-esteem from Roxbury spontaneously gained fourteen pounds and received a call to audition for MTV's Real Life TV Show. A priggish virgin from nearby Mount Holyoke College had a prophetic vision of Randy Moss and called Boston's NPR station to invite the entire Patriots roster to a sacred "Girl(s) Gone Wild" ceremony. Senator Edward Kennedy, lying stricken in his post-operative hospital bed, suddenly felt well enough to grope two night nurses and expose himself to his bodacious female surgeon.

Pope Bellichick

College students at Babson, B.U., B.C., Tufts, Northeastern, and Lesley joined together in a spiritual assembly that prayed to Patriot Coach Bill Bellichick (a.k.a. "the Pope") for guidance in Copley Square. As one, they renounced their support for the apostate candidate Ron Paul and, with their Bic lighters burning brightly aloft, they affirmed their undying  belief in Tom Brady as the "way and the light," particularly with regard to the perfect ideal He exemplifies by dating, impregnating, and dumping multiple super-models at the same time. (Students at Harvard and M.I.T. in neighboring Cambridge announced they were thinking it all over pretty seriously and would issue a statement sometime after the weekly South House orgy at Radcliffe was concluded.)

Simultaneously, every single ex-NFL jock employed by every television and radio station in the country took to the air to declare the new England Patriots the "best, most talented, and most perfectest football team" in the whole history of the universe.

Boston city officials are already planning a formal Ascension Ceremony scheduled to take place after the inevitable 19-0 Patriots season and Super Bowl victory in February 2008. Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton, a lifelong Patriots fan, is expected to be the grand marshal of the Ascension Procession.

Soccer and rugby fans from Europe, South America, Africa, and the Pacific Rim were not immediately available for comment.

The Crack Brothers

Stung by the lack of attention, the Boston Red Sox issued a press release reaffirming their uniquely Bostonian mission to remain the most spoiled, mawkish, over-publicized, and superlatively loutish professional team in American sports. In a separate statement, David Ortiz and Manny Ramirez said, "F___ the Patriots. America still looks to the Crack Brothers for the bestest example of how to dress, how to act, how to spit and all kinds of sh_t like that. That Brady's nothing but a candy-ass pussy. You can see his calves for Chrissakes. And his shoes, but not the 'crack' of his ass. Get it? We did more models than him on any Tuesday you want to name."

The Gay and Lesbian Front has already issued a protest of the Crack Brothers' comments.

But religious wars are par for the course in the evil history of man, no?

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