Archive Listing February 23, 2009 - February 16, 2009
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. I know
that for non-Scots the bagpipes and the Highland Fling
are a sort of easy joke. No other ethnic group combines quite the same
longevity and rigid stereotypicality as the Scots -- ridiculous at once
for their nauseating (truly) cuisine, their men in skirts, their
earsplitting imitation of music, their barbarism, and their anti-poetic
glottal speech, as well as their enormous contribution to priggish
(i.e., Presbyterian) protestantism and the equally black arts of
economics and industry, including capitalism itself and all the
grunting, puffing, clacking machines that made capitalism an industrial
reality in the first place. I think Scots are funny
myself, and that's
largely because I'm a Scot.
On the other hand, Scots are one of only three tribal cultures that
have arced all the way from the prehistoric past to the high-tech
present without losing either their original identity or their
individuality. And of the three, they're the only one whose first response was always to kick
the ass of anyone who dissed them. All three cultures have played a
major role in shaping the world everyone else lives in. The Irish have
defined poetry for the world. The Jews, philosophy and psychology and
science. The Scots have defined economic competition as warfare by
other means, innovation as wealth, and free markets as personal
liberty. And alone among the three, the Scots have never stopped going
to war when it suited them.
This weekend, Mrs. CP and I went to a concert of the Coldstream Guards
and the Royal Scots Dragoons. One English, one Scots, now integrated
into a single regiment. The Brits are going multicultural. The concert
was magnificent. Part of it had to do with retracing the musical steps
of the Coldstream Guards. There were tricorn hats, bassoons, and an
instrument called the Serpent. Then there was a Coldstream waltz,
written by a Coldstream commander, and it was a competently done piece
of composing and playing. The audience loved it.
Eventually, though, the program calls for the pipes and drums of the
Royal Scots Dragoons. When the pipes start, it's as if everyone else
has left the hall. When all ten pipers line up, the British Empire
seems to fall away, and we are left with their pagan wail, their
mammoth-fur busbees, and what the Scots call drums -- the choreographed
beating of bones on bones the ancient Celts used to bring themselves in
and out out of battle.
They also played a tribute to all the American services. This was at
the Kimmel Center. It occurred to me that members of this audience
would be found at multiple other concerts, from the Beatles to the Big
Bands to Ray Charles to John Coltrane to Motown to Whitney Houston to
U2 to the Black-Eyed Peas and Warren Zevon, but they were nevertheless
white, and no non-Celtic audience would ever attend such a performance.
Where, I wondered, was diversity now? It lay in the services. As the
Guards played the anthems for the marines and the navy and the army and
the coast guard and even the merchant marine, members of the audience
stood, sat down, and then gave a standing ovation for the hands aross
the sea, and that land across the sea.
At the intermission, we got to meet members of the Guards. The man in
the middle up top told us he was the first black member of the
Coldstream Regiment. We congratulated him. He was from Fiji. What would
they do with a real black man, like Osi Umenyiora? That's right. This
is the United States. Everyone else iin the world is worse at liking
people for superficial things like talent, looks, and ability.
You see, the Royal Scots Dragoons had been folded into the English
Coldstream Guards. Scots are assholes, but they're not snobs. The
Coldstream Guards are English and the English remain who they have
always been. I was shocked when the Scots dancer we met burst into the
Scots tongue I hadn't expected to hear. It was his job to dance over
the crossed swords. He did it like Romans were watching.
.
He had never been in the United States before. I didn't ask him if he
was liking it. I only expressed the hope that our people would be
hospitable to him. He seemed nice. Let's hope... (Sorry. The vid is from the Edinburgh Tattoo, which includes the Royal Scots Dragoons.)
Just a thought. All you people who don't believe in God. Why not
believe in Scots? God only knows they're pagan and ancient enough...
A final video from the Scots Dragoons.
See you tomorrow.
P.S.
Yeah, I forgot. The Scots Dragoons also won the battle of Waterloo.
Here's one of the most famous war paintings of the 19th Century.


. It keeps coming up. The uncomfortable possibility that the
U.S. State Department is a world unto itself, not entirely loyal to the
President or even the nation. That's why it's time to lift the veil, in
a manner of speaking, and show average Americans the people and practices
which are so determinative of what the United States does in the world.
For example, the charge has been made that Secretary of State
Condoleeza Rice has become a different person than she was as National
Security Adviser, that somehow she has been absorbed into a culture
which mysteriously alters everyone who encounters it. Where once she
was a hardliner about Israel, she has by dint of mere association
become yet another apologist for Palestinian terrorism that never ends
and never apologizes for itself.
Well, sunshine is always the best antidote for silly rumors. Condoleeza
Rice is every bit as shrewd and decisive as she ever was. All that's
changed is that thanks to the U.S. State Department's Middle Eastern
Divison, she's received the advice of Ahmed Im Ahman, the world's
foremost expert on various middle eastern type things. He doesn't care
if you went to Stanford and think you know everything. He doesn't even
care if you're Madelyn Albright and know
you know everything. He can look right up your skirt, so to speak, and
see everything you're missing. Thank goodness we have him on staff.

Without Ahmed Im Ahman, there's no chance at all the U.S. would be
pressuring Israel to abandon even more of the "occupied Arab lands"
President Bush referred to yesterday. And, in all probability, Madelyn
Albright would still be on speaking terms with the U.S. Secretary of
State.
But the State Department has a reach that extends beyond its own
secretary. Keeping the President informed is also a high priority. Word
is that our current President spends so much time learning about world
affairs from State that First Lady Laura is actually jealous. Well,
that's hardly the first time the first family has been similarly
affected.

Fortunately, the Commander-in-Chief's middle eastern education is in
the hands of a great patriot -- Herezade by name -- who has been able
through the years to overcome his reflexive Zionist prejudices and
introduce him to the nuances of the Protocols of the Elders of Zion. We
are all going to owe her a huge debt of gratitude when the Palestinians
get their new state and establish
appropriate relations with Israel in the last year of the Bush
Administration. Ali Ali Akbar.
There are those malcontents
who would contend that the State Department is actually fiercely
partisan. But our research suggests this is largely false. Yes, it's
true that Madelyn Albright had a much larger contingent of mideast
advisers than the current secretary, but everyone knows that
Democrats are inherently more intellectually curious.

The truth is that exceptions do
prove the rule most of the time. Like Bush, President Clinton also had
a sole chief adviser on middle eastern affairs, who played the key role
in convincing him that persecuting UBL would have done more damage to
his presidency than the Jew whore the Republicans positioned to steal
his power. If Bill hadn't listened to her, imagine how much damage
could have been done. Al Gore might have been President when 9/11
happened. The nation couldn't have survived that eventuality. Thank
Allah we had Ashkira to save us -- and thank the U.S. State Department.

The important thing for everyone to know is that the State Department
never sleeps. While all the rest of us pay little or no attention to the
world at large, they are always doing whatever it takes to keep presidents, cabinet
secretaries, generals, admirals, vice presidents, senators, and congressmen informed
about key issues in the world. They're smarter than everyone and ready
for anything. They even know how to keep Cheney up to date.

They keep the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs happy.

They're even prepared for a Hillary administration.

According to our sources, they're working double and triple ovetime to
be able to handle the unique demands of a Huckabee or Obama
administration.

Truthfully, you can help. All they need is certain
knowledge of the deepest depravity either or both of them yearn for.
Then they can adjust U.S. foreign policy briefings accordingly.
Wish them luck. They're going to need it.
And so will we.

. The last gasp of the hard left during the Reagan
era was the Nuclear
Freeze Movement, which sought to perpetuate the dying Soviet Union
by insisting that the U.S. unilaterally abandon its own nuclear weapons
upgrade programs in the 1980s. When the movement failed, the communist
bloc crumbled and exposed the ugly failures of socialism as a modern
system of government. Since then, the world's leftists have latched
onto a seemingly different cause, the rescue of planet earth from the
depredations of man-made global warming.
It's a clever stratagem on the whole. Most of the vocabulary is
different, which enables the true believers to sweep millions of
gullible neophytes into their cause. What remains the same is the real
purpose of their efforts, which is to destroy the capitalist economic
system. But there's also a significant weakness of the most current
incarnation of leftist philosophy; this time, they're more or less
forced to admit what they never did under Marxism, that far from loving
the masses, they actually despise the masses and seek to punish them.
Underneath their rationalism, they're as pitiless and robotic as the
Old Testament prophet Amos in their antipathy to sinful mankind.
Their leaders speak of a "carbon
freeze," but what they really yearn for is a Civilization Freeze, an abrupt
termination of the technological progress which has doubled human
lifespans in the last 500 years and multiplied our population as a
species by many orders of magnitude. Their version of the hated
Holy Bible's concept of original sin is our very existence. Once you
understand this basic truth, you'll see it running like a malevolent
thread through all their policies and positions. Here are just two
examples, notable only for their currency.
In what should be good news, an Indian
manufacturing company has announced a breakthrough in automotive
design which will allow people in the Third World to buy a car for
approximately $2500:
If you hate people and civilization itself, obviously the masses should be denied individual
transport. It's the same logic which argues that undeveloped nations in
Africa, Asia, and South America should be denied the life-saving
benefits of electrification unless it can be implemented with
ridiculously expensive and inefficient technologies like windmills and
solar panels. The real problem isn't really climate change; it's the
annoying persistence of the human race.
It's also the same logic behind Madelyn Albright's so-called liberal
view of world politics. On the same day U.N. fatcats were anguishing
about the possibility an Indian mom and dad might be able to speed
their sick baby to the hospital in a car of their own, the pudgy old
secretary of state was selling her book
to the faithful via interview observations like these:
Wow. Wow. The "problem" is the
spread of "knowledge." That's
what creates "disquiet and anger." Obviously, the only effective answer
is to get rid of "knowledge" and the "information technology" which
spreads it like a virus through the most worthless species on our
sorry-ass planet.
Failing that ideal, we'll probably have to settle for the more gradual
human attrition that would improve the planet "if we were all poor."
The good thing is, there's no secret about how we can achieve that masochistic goal. We just
freeze civilization in its tracks and let natural disasters, famines,
and mosquitoes do the rest. North Korea, Cuba, the Soviet Union, and
Communist China have done lots of groundbreaking work in this area.
Time we benefited from their research, don't you think?
We could be down to a billion people flat in less than a generation. If
we really work at it. Utopia, I mean.

The Couch Campaigner
I know I was supposed to be covering the Presdential campaign, but I
got
a late start. The end of the NFL season was pretty absorbing for a
change,
and suddenly it seemed like all the movies were being touted as “one of
the year’s very best.” (It took me a few wasted tickets to figure out
the
year they were talking about was 2000.) Besides, all the polls were
saying you
hadn’t gotten too interested in the campaign either, and why should I
wear
myself out writing a bunch of great stuff about something you didn’t
notice
yet?
So now I’m on the case, and it looks like exciting things are underway.
The last time I checked in, George W.
and
Al
Bore were walking away with the major party nominations, and Pat
Buchenwald was getting ready to throw the big enchilada to the Dems
by running on the Reformed Party ticket.
Who would have thought everything would get so different so fast? Pat
Buchenwald
is embroiled in a tougher race than the one he walked out on—competing
with the likes of Donald Trumph,
Jesus
Ventura, Warren Beady (sort
of),
and the ghostly spectre of Ross Pyro.
George W. did the impossible by spending $50 million in New
Hamshire to get his ass kicked by a white-haired Viet Nam POW. And
Al Bore turned the solid gold advantage represented by the best economy
in 3 billion years into a skin-of-the-teeth victory over a washed-up
basketball
player with a heart condition.
It almost makes me wish I’d been paying more attention. How about you?
Maybe you’d settle for a brief explanation of how this all came about?
Let’s hope so. Here goes.
Pat Buchenwald got into trouble because he figured the Reformed Party
would
swoon for a famous, college-educated (semi)politician who had been on
TV
more than Ross Pyro. Like most of the ‘inside the beltway’
intellectuals,
he forgot that college-educated doesn’t impress Amerians very much any
more, since everybody in the whole government went to Yail,
and anyone with half an eye can see they’re not too damn
smart.
And when you leave out the college-educated part, suddenly Pat
Buchenwald
isn’t the top gun anymore, because here comes Jesus “The Booby”
Ventura,
who’s been seen on television by probably fifty times as many people as
Pat, and he’s been elected a governor to boot, even if it is in one of
those nothing states that start with an “M.”
When everybody in the media rushed to interview Jesus about being
Presdent,
people kind of lost track of Pat, and when all those interviews made
people
start thinking that maybe it wouldn’t be too smart to elect a bald
idiot
as Presdent, that gave Donald Trumph the idea to run, because why else
did he spend all those years combing his side hair over the big empty
spot
on top of his head? Investments like that have to be cashed in
sometime,
don’t they?
After the Reformed Party folks didn’t actually throw up at the thought
of a whoremaster like Trumph as the nominee, Warren Beady got the idea
that he might have a shot too. And does anybody think Ross Pyro paid
all
that money to set up his own political party just to see a bunch of
squabbling
egomaniacs rip it to pieces? That scratching sound you hear is Ross's
feet
digging in for a last-minute sprint. With all this going on, who’s
paying
any attention to Pat? Maybe black and silver uniforms would help...
George W. got into trouble because after about six months of being
polled
every half hour, average Amerians finally realized that the Bush who
was
running this time was the son of the one they dimly remembered.
Which was a completely different thing, of course. Completely. If John
McKane had realized it six months earlier, he would have gotten
into
the race a lot sooner—probably six months sooner. As it was, he had a
lot
of catching up to do. After six months of voting for him in telephone
polls,
average Amerians were starting to feel like they knew George W. almost
as well as they knew his dad.
In fact, it wasn’t until the mass media started telling people how much
average Amerians admired John McKane for all his honesty about whatever
it was he was being so honest about that they realized how much they
had
always admired McKane before George W. distracted them by pretending to
be his own father.
All in all, there was lots of realizing going on, and most of it got
completed
in time to give George W. a good thumping in New Hamshire. None of the
other Republians was ever in the race because the only thing they
talked
about was abortion, which is the one subject nobody anywhere wants to
hear
another word about. Thus, the first primary resulted in the two-man
race
we have today.
Al Bore got into trouble by being himself for many months of
campaigning.
Thankfully, an army of political consultants figured this out in time
to
convince him that the best strategy was to run as someone else, someone
like, say, Bill Clitton. And so
they
managed to come up with a perfect patsy for Al Bore to run against, so
that the Vice Presdent would have someone other than himself to lie
about
during the campaign.
Then it turned out that Bill Broadley
was almost too perfect a patsy—he campaigned so lethargically
and
inertly that Al barely noticed him and kept on telling all his best
lies
about himself. As a result, New Hamshire was a closer vote than anyone
wanted, especially Bill Broadley, who had been given to understand that
he’d be able to go home after the first primary. When he realized that
the Bore campaign had been lying about this too, he got really steamed
and started hurling accusations about everything under the sun, which
made
everyone nervous.
First, Broadley charged that he had a debilitating heart condition,
then
he claimed that he was too much of an impotent intellectual to have the
guts for Presdential campaigning, and then he asserted that if elected
he would make the government pay everybody’s doctor bill forever, thus
bankrupting the country.
In response, the Bore campaign counter-charged that Al Bore would pay
everybody’s
doctor bill too, and that it wouldn’t bankrupt the country because the
Democratics would raise taxes on the Republians to pay for it, even if
Broadley did get elected. Faced with such negative tactics, Broadley
quit
trying to weasel out of the race and consented to stay in a while
longer.
Having dodged a very big bullet, a much relieved Al Bore finally
started
to get the hang of Presdential campaigning and began telling only the
lies
his campaign managers ordered him to.
All caught up? Good. I promise I’ll be checking in more often from here
on in. Okay?
The Couch Campaigner

Bush is done! McKane is done!
No, Bush is done
It’s getting
confusing here on the couch. If I didn’t know better, I’d think the
mass
media don’t have a clue about what’s going on in the campaign.
First, John
McKane blows out all the poll predictions in a giant drubbing of Bush
in New Hamshire. The whole
country
starts going nuts for McKane. He makes the covers of all the news
magazines.
The polls which had shown Bush with a 20 point lead in South
Carelina are suddenly showing him behind McKane.
The pundits
explain that Bush’s people had always been dead wrong to think of South
Carelina as a conservative “firewall” for their man. Actually, they
say,
Carelina doesn’t belong to the “Old South” anymore. They’re tied into
the
UnderNet like everyone else in the country, which means they don’t have
any morals anymore either, and so they’re not quite as enthusiastic
about
the politics of a Republian God who’s planning Armageddon for Satan’s
anti-Anti-Choice
minions.
What’s more,
South Carelina is also overflowing with veterans, which means that
George
W. might remind them more of Clitton
than his dad, and McKane could attract their votes just by waving the
(Amerian)
flag a little and swapping some raunchy war stories.
Even worse,
the way the pundits explain it, the South Carelina primary is also open
to independents and Democratics, which there aren’t supposed to be any
of in the state, except that there are, and they seem to like the looks
of a Republian who talks like a Clitton Democratic. And the whole time
the pundits are explaining all this, the polls stay close, and the Bush
campaign seems to be bracing itself for another, possibly fatal, defeat.
Then the
South
Carelina primary takes place. Bush wins it convincingly. The news
magazines
put George W. on their covers and talk about how tough he was to come
back
and put it to McKane that way. The pundits take to the air to explain
that
during the last frantic days in South Carelina, the honest and highly
principled
John McKane had done some pretty negative advertising, going so far as
to compare George W. to Clitton.
It also
turns
out that the South Carelina folks aren’t quite as finished with being
“Old
South” as everyone thought—as the experts could have deduced if they’d
paid attention to their own tirades about the Confederate flag flying
over
the capitol. But, anyhow, the folks were still “Old South’ enough to
remember
that a candidate who talks about being positive and honorable probably
shouldn’t compare his opponent to the scummiest presdent in Amerian
history—unless
maybe he isn’t quite so positive and honorable as he says he is.
Any of the
South Carelinians who were slow to figure this out were nevertheless
able
to get some help from the Bush campaign, who called everybody in the
state
once an hour and preempted all regular programming on TV to explain
just
how unprincipled it was for John McKane to do negative campaigning.
With South
Carelina now safely out of the way, the Republians run up to Mishigan
to explain to the voters how negative the other side is being. Since
Bush
has proven to be so much more effective at this than McKane, the
pundits
explain, the Arizonia senator is
now
in real trouble. Besides, the Republian governor of Mishigan has made
this
primary a vote of confidence for his own administration and is using
the
whole Republian machine to win it for George W.
The worst
news of all for McKane is that he seems to be losing his famous temper
quite a bit, and he’s no longer sounding like a brave, war-hero
reformer.
What he's sounding like is a sore loser.
The Mishigan
primary vote takes place right on schedule, and McKane wins big. The
pundits
race to the talk shows to say, of course, obviously, this was
inevitable.
The governor of Mishigan is unpopular, and everyone in the City of
Destroit—all
Democratics, of course—voted in the primary, for John McKane, just to
piss
off the governor. What this means, according to the pundits, is that
the
whole phenomenon of Democratics voting in Republian primaries will make
the race for the nomination into a real dogfight, one that could go all
the way to the Convention.
Next up are
primaries in the Commonwealth of
Vagina
and Wishington State, both
considerably
more moderate in their politics than South Carelina, which is the only
place Bush has actually scored a victory at the polls. Time, the
pundits
tell us, to hold our breath.
So,
naturally,
Bush stomps McKane to pieces in Vagina and Wishington. It turns out
that
the Republians have decided to battle the Democratics by voting
unanimously
for the candidate the Democratics hate the most—George W.
Now, we’re
on the brink of Super Tuesday. The pundits are still busy explaining
what
happened in Vagina and Wishington, and what will happen in Newyork,
Californica,
Uhio,
and a bunch of other states. But I’ve stopped listening for a while. My
head hurts. Maybe I’ll just wait for their explanation of what happened
after it’s all over.