May 23, 2011 - May 16, 2011
Thursday, March 04, 2010
on CP's Email
Beatles cover CP likes.
. So. CP got pissed. Why? Because he's never been a nice
guy. I could have told you
that. Mrs. CP is a saint to put up with him. But he's also fair
sometimes. Which is why he gave me permission to reproduce part of an
email exchange he had with Eduardo, who said:
I know you are disappointed by the
Stones/Beatles bickering in the comments section, but I couldn't walk
away without one last jab at Harkin. That whole exchange is a
perfect example of why I don't like the Beatles or their fans.
And it really doesn't have a whole lot to do with their music, as
Harkin pointed out but doesn't quite understand. Sorry to sully
your comments with more shenanigans.
But anyway, just wanted to mention that at work I sit next to a
gentleman originally from Philly who is in his early/mid fifties.
I asked him, out of the blue with no background on the question, who he
would rather listen to for a music marathon driving in the car: the
Beatles or the Stones. He narrowed his eyes at me a bit in a
"what are you, kidding?" sort of way and emphatically said, "The
Stones!" He went on to say some slightly derogatory things about
the Beatles similar to what I've said, but his overall point was that
the Stones are truly rock and roll while the Beatles aren't. His
best comment was when you hear a Stones song you turn it up, and you
don't do that with a Beatles song.
And I had to ask my coworker this while my branch manager, who sits
next to us, wasn't around, because he is a huge Beatles fan, whom he
speaks of so reverently you'd think he was speaking about Jesus
Christ. He's a nice guy and everything, but if the topic of music
is brought up around him it inevitably leads to him talking about how
"all" music after the Beatles is just a pale imitation of them, etc
blah blah yadda yadda.
PS - I... petition you... [for] an essay on your feelings for Beatles
CP responded thus:
It's not your fault. Sometimes -- what
with blizzards and seemingly endless computer woes -- I get grumpy.
I'm not really sure I have that much to add to a Beatles discussion.
I'm not an expert on the nuts and bolts of music, but it is my
understanding that the real skeleton in the Beatles' closet is the
Beach Boys, whose sophisticated harmonies the Beatles copied in service
of hippies rather than surfers. There's an album called "Pet
," which got lost in the Sgt Pepper craze, that some folks
think embodies everything the Beatles subsequently did. But I'm not the
person to make that case.
I have no objection whatever if you want to expand your comments and
anecdotes into a Beatles post. Mostly all I can offer is a few remarks
that agree entirely with what you said and how you've characterized
it. My favorite Beatles recording is Twist and Shout
which wasn't their song but indicated the road not taken -- a hard rock
Lennon-led band with some balls instead of wet panties. I also liked a
couple of the songs Lennon did solo -- not the lyrics because he was
the most imbecilic lyricist ever -- but a song like "Working Class Hero
had an edge that anticipated (dare I say it?) punk. But then Yoko put
his balls in a jar and that was all she wrote.
Basically, my own reductio ad absurdem of the Beatles-Stones rivalry
was that the Beatles were for girls and the Stones were for guys. My
sister was in college the same time I was and I'll never forget the
first time I visited her -- the dorm hall was filled with music hardly
anyone played in my freshman dorm -- Judy Collins, Joni Mitchell, James
Taylor, Laura Nyro, Donovan, and the Beatles. It wasn't long before I
just HAD to get out of there.
The other point I'll note is that the Beatles were done in 1971.
Completely. Much of the enduring Stones canon came after that. They
continued to comment on the life I was leading, including my corporate
life and my private defiance against my own generation, the
determination to survive their slick nihilism. The Beatles became
nostalgia for those
who, unlike me, didn't hate the sixties or hadn't actually lived them.
To me, they've sounded nothing but dated for the last 35 years. They
seem to me not timeless but absolutely time-locked. That's why I feel
animus for their legion of fans. Did I mention how much I hated the
sixties? Why would anyone lionize such pap -- generally nonsensical
lyrics, pop melodies that translate okay to elevator music, and a
"taking ourselves way too seriously" ambiance that never once rose
ABOVE their time but only reflected the utter self-absorption of a
pretentious and contentless adolescent tantrum.
It's interesting -- and I can't explain why -- that there have been so
few successful covers of either the Beatles or the Stones. Have you
heard Britney Spears' cover of Satisfaction
even worse, Rod Stewart's cover of Jumping Jack Flash? I honestly do
like GNR's cover of Sympathy for the Devil. And there's one Beatles
cover I think was genuinely superior to the original -- Sinatra covered
"Something" (not the studio cut, which was better, but this
is a fair
facsimile) in a very late album of his called Trilogy
. It was lovely.
You see? That's just about all I have to offer on the Beatles. Unless I
were to dig a lot deeper, which seems like kind of a grim chore.
Again. Not your fault. You have nothing to apologize for. Sometimes I'm
just in a bad mood. I'd be very interested in what you have to say.
Your perspective is different from mine, but, I suspect, strangely
complementary. And I'm thinking -- as I think about it -- what you have
to say is almost certainly worth saying. Okay?
CP is as CP always was. Something of a visionary and something of a
prick. As opposed to me. Who was always much more the latter than the
anyone else notice that the "Quick March" didn't include word one about
"Paint it Black" and the girl of CP's dreams? I don't know about you,
but I'm feeling sort of cheated. I know
the guy and haven't ever heard this story. If Brizoni wants to
show off his cojones, this
what he should be demanding in his impetuously impetuous way.
More email. Eduardo replied:
I don't know why anyone would lionize
such pap, either. My branch manager I mentioned was very excited
that the "Rock Band" series of video games had a special edition coming
out that featured nothing but Beatles music. Not because he plays video
games or anything, but because he overheard his son talking about it
and envisioned some type of Beatles renaissance occurring b/c of this
game, and that all the kiddies out there would discover what real music
is, not like modern music anymore, and I guess listen to Sgt Pepper and
the White Album over and over again. But why would someone want their
own kid to get into a band like the Beatles? What would the gen-X
equivalent be, wanting my kids to worship Nirvana?
You're right, they are time locked, which is one reason I mentioned
that I like several other bands of the '60s and '70s. When I hear
Beatles I can't help but think about the '60s and drugs; lots and lots
of drugs. Can't relate and don't want to relate. But even a song like
Paint it Black, which I think was probably an anti-Vietnam ballad, is
still a really cool song. I saw some old footage of the Stones
performing that live way back in the day on some TV show, and whoever
the dude playing the sitar was was definitely the epitome of hippie,
but I can still look past that.
But I did forget about Twist and Shout, you're right about that, too.
See? I don't even think of that as a Beatles song. I had heard a bunch
of their other stuff before I first heard their version of T & S,
and I had a hard time believing it was actually the Beatles doing it
because it sounded so, well, cool.
Thanks again for laying out so much info on the Stones, though. I feel
like I have been missing something. I am going to dig into their music
library. I don't know how much I will like it all because for better or
ill, my tastes do tend to gravitate toward the '90s alt
rock/grunge/whatever type stuff (my favorite band for years was the
Smashing Pumpkins), but based on the Stones songs I do know I think I
will have a favorable reaction.
There is one Beatles cover I have to send you. It's a live version of
Daytripper that Oasis did. I have no idea where or when it was done, or
who the person is that sings the first verse (b/c he's not in Oasis),
but it's awesome. I don't even like the original Daytripper but I like
this one. I think it's better.
Thanks. Here's another
Beatles cover I like.
I hate to postpone or delay, but can I also quote from your latest
email? Love the part about Paint it Black.
btw: all the various Stones comeback albums: Some Girls, Tattoo You,
and Voodoo Lounge. And some of the albums in between: Goatshead Soup,
Black and Blue, Emotional Rescue, and Undercover. Great individual
songs on all of them, including Hand of Fate
, All the Way Down
(Stones rap), Memory
, etc, etc.
Here's the thing. What lifelong Stones fans have realized is that the
first hearing means nothing. You can listen to a Stones song and hate
it. And then, if you keep listening, it starts to bore into you. I know
of no other band to whom this phenomenon applies. That's the secret of
Exile on Main Street, for example. You start to realize that Jagger has
multiple, quite different falsettos
Charlie Watts is the best rhythm drummer ever
anecdotal evidence about his dead-on timing), and finally, you begin to
realize that the Stones are an amazing synthesis of hard, hard rock and
roll, satire, capitalism, endurance, sex (and sex and
sex and sex
), and Keith
(who is still
against all odds, alive). If they weren't so damn English, they'd be an
American parable. While the Beatles are an episode of "This Is Your Life
Like, who doesn't remember this
I admit it. I like the Stones too. So sue me.
Tuesday, March 02, 2010
Stones Retrospective -- Last:
my favorite Stones song.Why? Petition me to explain why.
I don't like the turn this is taking. Commenters firing off at
each other over the feeble Beatles vs Stones issue. I cited it simply
as an historic fact. Not as a political issue. I was going to lead you
through my own life with the Stones. Hoping you'd recognize and
empathize with my experience.
Now I'm just going to do a quick-march because I want it done. You can
petition me if you want me to tell you more about these sound bytes.
. There was Sticky Fingers
. The first time I saw a
debutante at a mixer was when "Wild Horses" was playing. I couldn't
believe graduates of Westover and Farmington were Stones fans. And you
have no idea how beautiful they were. Debutantes aren't just rich.
. My hugest memory.
While I was reading Tender Is the
, I was also playing "Factory Girl" and "Salt of the Earth"
continuously. I was a freshman in college. I ultimately wrote my thesis
about Tender Is the Night
(and Virginia Woolf's To the
. I loved her writing and stil do. Have you read The Waves
? I was a literary
motherf...) They hated it; they bashed my brains in. I don't know who I
have to thank for this, but somebody pointed out that if Jagger really
cared about the forgotten millions, he might not have arranged for a
chorus that sang "salt of the earth" like a speedy cereal commercial.
Just saying. Read the last chapter of Tender
Is the Night
. While listening to Beggars Banquet
, with a little "No
Expectations" thrown in for good measure. See how YOU turn out.
. After college I reverted
to South Jersey motorhead. Sorry. One of many regrets in my life. A
friend of mine got arrested for speeding because he couldn't contain
himself while the Stones song "Heartbreaker" (with your .44) was
playing on the radio. Me? I always
had the Stones on the radio. Always. Nothing goes with 100+ mph like
the Rolling Stones.
. A shout-out to WMMR in
Philadelphia. 93.3 on your FM dial. (I have a long and pointless story
about the time I lived in Ohio, involving Peter Gabriel, WMMR, and the
miserable city of Cincinnati... Wanna hear it? Tell it to Harkin.)
Anyway. All of you people who think the Stones were just another band
might want to hearken back to WMMR's Beatles-Stones weekends, which
eventually gave way to Stones weekends. (They gave up on the Beatles
because they didn't have enough songs and nobody really cared anyway.)
Think about it. Your favorite band. Could they pump an FM station's
ratings for an entire weekend? The "C"s will be at ten on Friday night,
the "T"s on Sunday afternoon, and you'll be arranging your schedule
around them for all the times in between. Essay? You betcha.
. There was this moment in
time when disco was taking over the world. Then the new Stones album
was announced. On WMMR. I remember, as if it were yesterday, driving
into Center City Philadelphia with the top down while WMMR played
"Emotional Rescue" for the first time. I hated it. I loved it. A
classic Stones reaction.
. Every time the Stones
came to Philly I went to see them. The Goatshead Soup
tour was at the
Spectrum. Even WMMR couldn't disguise the fact that the Stones were too
stoned to remember their own names then. I was almost arrested at the
concert. I was wearing my Dad's fighter pilot jacket, with the P-47
painted on the back, and people kept stopping me to ask if I would sell
them some acid. After that there was a concert at John F. Kennedy
Stadium, which held 100,000 people and I was all the way at the back.
Jagger was just an ant in the far distance. How could an ant galvanize
100,000 people? But he did.
. You get older, you
know. You have responsibilities, a house, a wife, etc. Then, after
years of nothing, the Stones announce their Steel Wheels
tour. Which means you
immediately buy tickets and hit the road from Dayton to Cleveland for a
chance to see the "greatest rock and roll band in the world." I'd
appreciated what I -- by now a corporate consultant -- called the
"corporate album," (Dirty Work
but I was wearing leathers and boots when I hightailed it to Cleveland
for the Steel Wheels
My keenest memory is of a dirty black GM sedan I got behind en route to
Cleveland. Someone's finger had done its work on the rear trunk lid.
"Stones," it said. My favorite Stones moment ever. The concert? Great.
I've never known them to be less than great. And, to be completely
honest, it was the best Stones concert I ever saw.
. How many years are
we talking about here? I won't kid you. WMMR stopped doing Stones
weekends at some point. I stopped needing a Stones song before I could
attempt my next personal miracle. But then came yet another Stones
comeback (yeah, they've had more than any other band -- Some Girls
blah blah Voodoo Lounge,
didn't want to see the Voodoo Lounge
concert. I had, by
that time, internalized the Stones. I was old enough not to have to see
them. But my significant other at the time knew the Stones were
important to me and she produced a pair of tickets like rabbits out of
a hat. She was SO pleased with herself. So we went. With the shallowest
business associate I ever had. It was raining. I wanted to go home. But
then, in a gigantic ballpark, the Stones did their thing. Shallow man
and his girlfriend went ballistic: "I HAD NO IDEA THE ROLLING STONES
GREAT," they said.
Similar things happened with the Babylon
tour. I began to think I was a necessary accessory for young people who
needed an excuse for falling in love with the Rolling Stones.
All right. That's the quick step version. If you wanted me to draw it
all out longer, to savor and play with the moments and explain other
contributors to the music of my life, blame Harkin.
Why? I fucking hate Beatles fans. All of them. Forever. That's another
essay Brizoni can ask for and probably not get. Do we have some things
to talk about? Poke through this history and if there's something you
want to know more about, maybe I'll tell you more.
Or maybe not. Anyone want to explain the only Stones cover I've ever
You've got to earn
to more than what I've already offered. Is that fair? I
think it is.
Big Texas Zoni's News Roundup
The kid's fixin' to rustle up a good ol' fashioned prairie hash of
Believe it or not, InstaPunk readers, the world doesn't stop because the old men don't feel like watching it turn. Introspection, recrimination, and wist (you know, wistful? Full of wist?) are fine and good (and doesn't 15 paragraphs seem like a lot to declare we don't deserve his writing? Reminds me of some quote about protesting too much. Or not enough.) But the price of liberty is eternal
vigilance. Not sporadic vigilance. Saddle up!
Oh, hell. Evidently, he's gonna waste our time with another run in 2012. InstaPunk had this guy's number
...it doesn't matter how brilliant Mitt is because HE'S A FUCKING IDIOT. He lives in a Mormon universe where being nice is its own reward, and when the maniac with the K-bar comes for his throat, he'll still be smiling when the arterial spray from his carotid rivals the Trevi fountain for majesty. Romney was born rich, he's lived rich, and he will die rich. At some level, he will never understand that American life is a fight. A dirty, no-holds-barred, scratch-their-eyes-out kind of fight.
As a recovering Mormon, I can corroborate that assessment 100 percent. Mormons are the nicest people around. Best neighbors possible. They have more genuine kind-heartedness than you can believe. Speaking of belief, they believe
-believe. The whole Jesus/God/Heaven story is real to them, in that really-real-in-material-actuality way that it hasn't been to the other Christian denominations since Darwin.
That's why Romney can never, ever be President. You can't be the most powerful man in the free world and have your decisions informed by that
perspective. The President can't roll the faith dice on behalf of the rest of us like that. Not in a world filled with all sorts of horrible fucks who don't behave like Mormons at all.
Can a conservative Court overturn Chicago's pinko gun ban?
Someone more knowledgeable than I (HINT HINT) will have to fill you in on just how corrupt and unfree Chicago is. From what I gather, Daley used the Windy City as a kind of test market for the statist tyranny Obama and the rest of the Democrats are trying their damnedest to legislate.
Some sweaty Chi-town pol whined "If our gun control law is struck down, there will be more guns. Do we want more guns?" YES, you ass. I imagine Chicagoans in whom the spine hasn't been bred out want the hell
out of more guns. Or have liberals really not noticed that anti-gun laws ONLY WORK ON THE LAW-ABIDING? An armed society is-- the science is settled
-- a polite society. God have mercy on Kennedy
's soul if he screws this up. And his mortal ass.
No more Burka in the future Burkastan?
I hate to do it, but my libertarian conscience has to object. It's just not OK for governments to ban religious expression like this. Even if it is the expression of a shitty-ass religion like shitty-ass Islam.
Having said that, I love the symbolism of this heated burka ban debate. Ell oh vee ee space eye tee. Em you tee aitch ay eff you see kay ay. I trust I don't have to explain to you that it's not just the burka that's on Europe's mind. I'm calling it Steyn's Razor
. Even if they can't admit to themselves that's what they're thinking. And dreading.
They're not really gonna go through with it, right? No way Europe has the stones for even this fairly toothless censure of, for once, a group that deserves
it. No way the Old World has enough of its Old Grit left to defy Swar. 35
10 Rest assured that right is always on the side of the Others who are less white,
11 Less male,
12 Less western,
13 And less advanced technologically. [OK, Islam only gets three out of four. Still.]
It's just not gonna happen. Right?
Health care bill nears Nucular Option.
Drudge linked to this with all-red caps, and a picture of a mushroom cloud above it. We, uh, get it. Here's what I don't
get. Why all the moping and throwing up of hands? You do know laws can be repealed, right? Even the bad ones. Especially the bad ones. Maybe y'all just don't share my youthful optimism. That'd be a shame. The children are your future, after all. Teach them well and let them lead the way. Emphasis on that latter clause.
Well, I don't know about you, buckaroos, but I'm stuffed. See you back here for lunch? Or whatever the cowboy word for lunch is. Supper? Was that dinner or lunch, for them? Or was dinner lunch? My whole Wild West theme here doesn't lend itself to much scrutiny, obviously.
Instead of begging, I've decided to threaten. If certain parties don't write their memoirs to my satisfaction and in a goddamned hurry, I will write their memoirs for
You want that?
Monday, March 01, 2010
Obama Calls for an End to
Partisan Critical Thought
The stress of dealing with an inexcusably less-than-unanimous body-politic
coats President Obama in a glistening sheen of oleaginous divinity. (IP)
(IP) - Barack Obama has called for an end to "partisan disobedience and disagreeing with" the president.
From the White House lawn this morning, the president and his life companion TOTUS made the case for a 'trans-political' American discourse.
"In the spirit of bipartisan cooperation, it's time that both sides of the aisle cease all censure, reproof, unfavorable judgment, admonition, animadversion, faultfinding, two-facedness-finding, or three-facedness-finding of ME.
"These changes to our national dialogue are long overdue. We have got to put a stop to any and all other forms of critiquing me, disputing me, or getting in the way of what the American people elected me to do. Which is for me to do what I want, using all the powers the president has at his disposal. And even some he doesn't
After TOTUS withdrew for a regularly scheduled T-cell test, the president went on to chide the media for failing to "uh, consistently promote an appropriately, uh, reverential attitude towards, uh, ME," and for what he called their role in facilitating "the putting of, uh, ME on, uh, blast."
Prior to this morning's statement, the President delivered his most recent scolding to Republican Rep. Eric Cantor for bringing a hard copy of the Democrats' 2,400-page Senate bill to Thursday's historic
health care summit. He was especially offended at Cantor's use of the actual 2,400 page bill as a "prop," likening it to footage of Ground Zero after 9/11, which was "used so despicably by the Bush administration as cynical political propaganda exploiting an alleged attack on the United States never proven in a court of law."
"Representative, uh, Cantor's disgraceful, uh, citation of the, uh, bill is just the latest in a long line of obstructionist Republican, uh, cheap shots," said the president. "It's shamelessly truthful stunts like this that illustrate just how, uh, intrusive and ultimately unworkable fact-based resistance to our reforms could become. Such, uh, openly expressed criticism is a clear, uh, impediment -- a slap in the, uh, face -- to enlightened, uh, governance."
The president then sneered slightly and said, "Frankly, it's starting to, uh, hurt my feelings." The AP subsequently confirmed that the
president's feelings have been wrapped in an Ace bandage, modelled
closely on the one Shaq is sucking
on for his injured thumb,
during the latest POTUS physical. Both men are reportedly "smoking
more" (miscellaneous substances) as part of their pain management
Obama's remarks come on the heels of a controversial interview in this month's Harper's Bazaar
magazine, wherein he bemoaned the current climate in Washington.
"...uh, uh, let me be clear. I, uh, am the president of the, uh, you know. Which should, uh, let everybody else know it's time to, uh shut up, and, uh, start saluting."
Shortly after the Harper's
interview hit the stands, the President was forced to defend his comments.
"Now, I know my critics are saying I'm trying to make this about me. I have not. Do you see a teleprompter anywhere? No. The "Me and I" stuff is always on the teleprompter, and I don't have anything to, uh, do with it. That would be Rahm's fault, and I don't have anything to do with, uh, Rahm except, uh, uh, the occasional sneaked butt in the Rose Garden."
In a subsequent clarifying statement, Robert Gibbs explained that the president's "sneaked butt" remark referred to cigarettes, not clandestine anal sex with the brilliantly patriotic chief-of-staff Fox's yellow journalists keep calling the "Iron Ballerina."
Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi also leapt to the President's defense, issuing the following statement.
"Blah blah unconfirmed accusations blah blah blah defame and smear our DADT president blah blah Rahm is no gayer than blah blah the First Lady's irresistibly huge booty blah blah reconciliation is certain blah smoking has never been linked with gayness blah blah maybe except in ballet and Nevada senators blah blah my president is blah..."
It was later explained by her aides, Brad and Armando, that
her comments were misquoted after an unfortunate seizure involving
scheduled injections directly into her brain, which is "physically
dissonant" from that of other, non-Speakerish women of her age. They
were pretty insistent that the word 'vaginal' shouldn't appear in the
same sentence with 'brain' with respect to intelligence references. Although
the Speaker is now withdrawing her similar objections with regard to
Desiree Rogers. Whom the Speaker now concedes may ultimately be
reconciled with the words "vagina." injection," and "Rangel," though
never with the word "brain," in either case, unless someone happens to
understand what she might mean by that. You know. Unless you really do
understand. In which case, it just
no link has ever been established between Botox and brain damage. Some
people are just really fucking stupid. Naturally. Forget we said that.
Remember 'Reconciliation' instead. That's the process by which
congressional leaders suffering from advanced Alzheimer's continue to
fool ordinary Americans by looking like skin-tight ancient
cheerleaders. You know. The process by which brain-dead zombies conquer
the living through Armani wardrobes and big old tits
YOU figure it out. We're just reporting here. P.S.
Pelosi aides inform
us, "The Speaker doesn't smoke." She just steams a bit after intense
sessions. And the White House confirms that Obama doesn't smoke either.
He merely evanesces post-revelation clouds of holiness, a bit like Jesus Christ.
Are we all clear now? Me, I'm Brizoni. Sometimes struck from above by a
Higher Power. (Who will be talking to him later about what satire is
and is not.)
minutes in. My favorite. Never EVER give up.
. Quick hits here, after one inital blast at NBC. Baseball
are already beginning spring
practice in Florida and Arizona. Maybe I should be more respectful of
snow, but after a winter of blizzards, not so much.
. Awful. Exactly
awful as last
. Which makes it ever so much worse. Even pernicious.
Shiftless, ignorant clowns. Nothing about biathlon
rifles. Nothing about curling rules (ever), despite hundreds of hours
of coverage. (Hell, I'm Scottish and I HATE curling.). Almost nothing
bobsleds; just feelgood crap about bobsledders. Barely a mention of
what music was playing for figure
skaters. (I was better at that as a resource for my
figure-skating-loving wife. Answer? Gershwin's 'Concerto in F
now?) Worse than that, Al Michaels & Bob Costas always a
wrong or false note. Costas such an NBC whore he arranged on camera a
cameo role for Lindsey Vonn on Law
, the most disgustingly leftwing
political TV show
the air. Why did the rest of us need to be smacked in the face with
that? The building urgency of not having been allowed to inflict Keith
Olbermann on us had to break out somehow, somewhere?
Then the whole Gander
story. Narrated by Tom Brokaw. I was well aware
of it, happy to be reminded of it, enjoying the retelling. On September
11, 2001, dozens of international flights couldn't land in the U.S. and
landed in Gander, Newfoundland, instead. The wonderful (Scotch-Irish)
locals not only handled the sudden influx of jumbo jets but alo took
the 6,000 passengers into their homes and lives for four days. Great.
Compelling. A fine
to tell on the eve of the end of the Canadian Olympics. Rven
if those folks were a whole continent away from Vancouver. And even
if it had to be narrated by Tom Brokaw. Brought a tear even in the
retelling to my jaundiced old Scotch-Irish eye.
Until we got back to the studio and Al Michaels felt obligated to ask, "Where else in the world could this kind
of hospitality and open hearts occur?"
Fuck you, Al. Where else?
How about HERE, you absolute creep? The story Brokaw was telling
involved (among other folks) a pair of marooned parents whose NY
firefighter son was in the process of losing his life trying to save
strangers in the twin towers, and YOU want to elevate Canadian humanity
American humanity in
THAT context? Really? Way to poison an otherwise inspiring story with
your piss-on-America penthouse sophistication. And way to go, Tom
Brokaw, for not slapping Al Michaels across the face. Which is why I'll
remind everyone under the age of 40 who the old thick-tongued anchor
dinosaur called Tom
Honestly, I've never been able to listen to him without laughing since
first heard Dana Carvey's impression of the great South Dakota
dimwit who knows so much less about generations
than I do.
know. I'm a cynic. But I'm old, and I've tenure. I've despised Tom
since the '64 Republican
Convention. He was always a lefty. He was always
Barbara Walters with a cock if not
bigger balls & more baritone. Sorry. To
me, speech defects and bungled
educations aren't worth millions of bucks.
. Big Whoop. Lots of Gold medals. I'd like to say
something really touching and friendly about now. But I can't. For the
past eight years, they've been assholes. I genuinely liked some of
their athletes. But Canadians as a nationality? Screw'em.
. I've given up on
Puck Punk, who used to explain this bizarre sport to us. I watched the
big showdown, and I confess I told Mrs. CP, "I want us to win, but even
if Canada wins, they'll still be... Canadians." To her eternal shame, I
guess, she laughed.
. I'm referring to
the young lady skater whose mother died and then we all just swooned
when she won the Bronze medal. Except I actually watched the
performances. Our best skater, 16-year-old Mirai Nagasu, skated absolutely
better and finished
fourth, behind her. Fair? Maybe Mirai should have shot her father. The
Korean skater better look out. Our 16 year old is coming for you...
The Korean Diva
. Okay. She's
lovely. Kim Yu Na. She deserved to win. And I'm relieved on her behalf
that her countrymen won't savage her for failing
to win the Gold. Which
makes me think: Screw every other country, especially Asian countries.
Here, we don't punish
competitors who fail to do what we think they should do to win. We just
them more famous with tabloid stories about why they lost. Then we
follow them with cameras and.. you know the rest. But I'm feeling
really bad about the Japanese girl, which is good for me because I
don't usually care at all about Japanese feelings. That Mao Asada looks
like a lost child to me. She won the Silver medal and never cracked
even the slightest smile. Her countrymen don't want to honor her
because she lost to a nation that has about the best reason any nation
ever had for hating Japan (excepting China, the Phillipines. Australia,
the USA, etc). But why does it all have to sit on Mao
's shoulders? Me, I'm thinking there's nothing worse I can
than an Olympic Silver medal winner who looks like she'd rather cry
than be second best in the whole world. Of course, I'm an old
guy. I'm famous for my useless pep talks.
The Russian Diva
. I have a
mental block about his name. Sorry, Mister Putin. He had a quadruple
jump. Then he had a "platinum"
medal. Get over yourself. Being Russian
is curse enough. Sometimes you just lose. Even Dostoevsky knew that.
The Blueberry Farmer
apologize. Don't know his name. Just to show you I can root for a
Canadian. One of them, anyway. He was in four Olympics, his daughters
wanted to see his Gold medal, and so he finally won one for them in the
fog. Sounds like a Lifetime Channel movie to me. Maybe Helen Reddy
could sing the song. Forgive me. I'm absolutely in his corner.
The American Nordic Team
favorites in the Olympics. Four guys, no attention, no money, no
celebrity. Just four medals. And one of them was named Spillane
doesn't get any better than that.
loser, despite his medals. If Obama were an Olympic athlete, this
who he'd be.
. Lady's Downhill.
Gold. American. It doesn't get any better than that. The downhill is
the primo event in the Olympics. And she's exactly my height and
weight. Which must mean I'm
. You get hyped and
you lose. You come back and you win. Maybe you're an American. Who can now go back to drinking and screwing snow bunnies. Isn't life in these United States wonderful?
Canadian Women's Hockey Team
They celebrated with champagne, beer, and cigars. The IOC is
investigating. Leave them alone. During the medal ceremony, Canadian
fans started chanting "USA."
Result? The Canadian Women's Hockey Team can do whatever they want,
whenever they want, however they want. Although I'd like to be present
when they take off their jerseys.
. That little slip of
mercury is near miraculous. He reminds me of Seabiscuit ("How far do you want
me to take him?" "Till he stops."
. Two years
ago, the driver (and team captain) was going to quit because he was
going, literally, blind
official Olympic honorific about courage
. But that's okay. He
won the Gold. By remembering not to look at that damned dangerous
course and just feeling it instead with his ample American ass. How
cool is that?
There's more obviously. Except for curling, I have enormous respect for
every participant in every event. I'm still not that impressed with
Canada. They want us to know that they're a major contributor to
American comedy, which I never doubted. Good. But the opening and
closing ceremonies both demonstrated that Canadian contributions to
North American music are thin at best. My question remains: Wouldn't
you rather be
or Groucho Marx than all the Canadian comics that ever
were? The answer is yes.
After that, we have everyone else. All the writers but Malcolm Lowry
. All the artists.
All the musicians. Unless you prefer Celine Dion to Judy Garland, Ella
Fitzgerald, and Doris Day. Or Gordon Lightfoot and Neil Young to
Aerosmith and the Temptations.
And did we mention Johnny Cash? You'll match that with Sarah MacLachlan?
But I'm not proud. We lost at The Hockey. Despite baseball, football,
basketball, and, yes, 80 percent of the home cities in the NHL, here's a squeal
Canadians can envy:
Canucks don't know what it's like to be us.
Thank God, the Olympics are done.
Two developments. First, I added some links to some of my usual
sweeping generalizations. And, second, Eduardo has come in to comment
on hockey, which is the only knowledgeable source we have on that sport
since Puck Punk quit enlightening us about "The Hockey." Eduardo says:
I don't think the U.S. will ever beat
Canada at hockey in the Olympics.
The last time we lost to them was, I believe, 2002 and a commentator
said it best: "The U.S. wanted to win. The Canadians had
to win." For example, I'm sad we didn't win but I haven't thought about
it much. If the Canadians had lost, though, their entire country would
have serious mental issues, perhaps forever. I mean, hockey is Canada's
one and only contribution to the world. They can't lose that. But I'm
glad that the entire U.S. has a reason to dislike Sidney "Little Bitch"
What we like: Passion. What we're still missing: Puck Punk.
Oh well. Ou sont les neiges d'antan?
(That's for you Quebecois. In case you thought we hate you.)
Well. Truthfully. We don't hate Canada. Just the Quebecois. (Paraphrasing Lloyd Bentsen: I know French. And that twangy, thudding crap you talk is NOT French.) Are we
clear on that?