Tuesday, May 25, 2004


The Wages of Liberalism

Serving your country party takes a toll

LEADERSHIP. It's hard to know how to respond to Ted Kennedy. The temptation is to laugh bitterly until the bad taste in your mouth makes you feel a little sick at your stomach. On the other hand, there's clearly still something dangerous about a man who evokes such fawning adulation from the objective minions of the media. And since -- hard as it is to believe -- he is a United States Senator, his penchant for blubbering treason while American troops are in the field is concerning. Yet any attempt to analyze his public pronouncements results in dizziness of the kind you experience when your foot tries to land on a step that isn't there. It's impossible to come to grips with a rationale, a philosophy, or a standard of basic decency that just doesn't exist. Teddy says what he says. Who can know what he means by it? Why bother? The moralist who seeks to shame a billygoat is only making a fool of himself. Gigantic as he has become, there isn't much to Ted Kennedy. Appetites. Bluster. Vindictiveness. A few million acquiescent sheep in his home state. And the eternal blind eye of the mainstream media. Fulminating is pointless, which means that laughter is probably the best of a poor lot of responses. Herewith our entry from Shuteye Nation 2000, where all the names have been changed in order to fool no one.

Teddy Schwartzenkennedy*. U.S. Senator from Machusetts and, formerly, the stupidest member of Ameria's most famous political family. Like everybody else in the family, he thought he was supposed to be Presdent of the United State, but he postponed doing it for awhile because he didn't want to get shot while he was still young enough to drink and have sex with anything in a skirt. By the time he decided to go ahead and be Presdent, the rules had changed and it wasn't enough to just be a Schwartzenkennedy—you also had to get the mass media's permission to run by convincing them you had a vision or something. What Teddy had was double vision, which didn't qualify at the time, and so he went back to drinking and screwing until he weighed four hundred pounds and girls started getting killed having sex with him... unless that was earlier in his career. Anyway, somebody made him stop drinking and screwing, and he turned over a new leaf by getting married and losing five pounds. Eventually he got so dignified that he didn't have a lot to say about the sex scandal and the perjury and the rest of it. But it's probably safe to assume he was more tolerant of the Presdent's private life than some of his senate colleagues.

*Originally, the 'schwartzen,' was silent, but it's gotten consistently louder over the years, until by now it's practically deafening.

Teddy still likes to go swimming, though. What a rack!

And we didn't mention Mary Jo Kopechne once. Oops.

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