Monday, May 14, 2007


El Cristada declares Holy Crusade.

South Park creators Matt Stone & Trey Parker were the first to die.

RENAISSANCE. Apparently, Rosie O'Donnell was right. Fundamentalist Christians are just as dangerous as fundamentalist Islamists. (as Glenn Reynolds correctly speculated.) They're just slower getting started. An Oklahoma oil billionaire named Orrin Bob Liddell has recently founded a revolutionary Christian sect in Baja California dedicated to the establishment of a theocratic government of the entire earth. OBL, as he prefers to be called, has declared a Holy Crusade against all the other religions of the world, including Islam, Judaism, Hinduism, Buddhism, Taorism, Shintoism, the Church of Scientology, Mormons, the Jehovah's Witnesses, and a wayward Christian denomination called 'al Cristada.'

The first order of business for OBL's new organization -- El Cristada -- is carrying out sentences of death on the most egregious heretics of the Christian faith. OBL has already let out contracts on Andres Serrano, the artist responsible for the 'Piss Christ'; Cosimo Cavallaro, the artist who sculpted 'My Sweet Lord' (the chocolate Jesus); Opie Bill Ledeen of al Cristada; and the developers of the Satanic TV show South Park, Matt Stone and Trey Parker.

The Crusaders are pretty much fed up with artists like these.

"These blasphemers will be the first to die," OBL announced in a press release simulcast on El Cristada Satellite TV, "but they won't be the last. It is time the infidels paid for their sins. God in his great majesty has seen fit to endow the most righteous of his flock with nuclear weaons, and these divine instruments of God will be employed to separate the wheat from the chaff, the believers from the unbelievers. The infidels of Araby will perish in sulphurous flame, as was foretold in the Book of Revelation, and the men, women, and children who participate in the destruction of heretic faiths will be rewarded in heaven with the blessed suffering of eternal stigmata exemplifying the transcendent suffering of our Lord,Jesus Chist. Yea, even the smallest children will be willing to sacrifice their earthly lives for the glory of an eternity spent bleeding from the hands, feet, and side, as did our beneficent savior."

Reportedly, the first victims of El Cristada's crusade were Matt Stone and Trey Parker, originators of what OBL terms the "incomprehensibly evil testament known as 'South Park.'" A video depicting the violent beheading of Stone and Parker was released to the Fox News Channel, which aired it in response to threats that failure to do so would result in the kidnapping and beheading of the Girls of Fox News, the nation's only source of breaking news fairly balanced between T & A. (Couric, take note.)

In a series of press kits and multimedia internet productions, El Cristada is also promising to inflict "the Lord's vengeance on the secular academic establishment, Jim Carrey, Marxist atheists in the artistic community, Godless millionaire sluts like Britney and Paris, Jimmy Carter, Richard Dawkins, Americans who belong to the Democrat Party or who have had abortions, Barbra Streisand and Sean Penn, Europeans who love government more than their divine savior, Asians in general, Rosie O'Donnell, the Taliban, al Qaeda, that Iranian Hitler Guy, the Icelandic people (just because), the Dixie Chicks, and every non-Christian man, woman, and child who lives within two thousand miles of the Bible's Holy Land."

A spokesman for the Department of Homeland Security said, "Our concern about OBL and El Cristada is 'Elevated' bordering on 'High,' due to the fact that he possesses the money and the organization to develop and deliver nuclear weapons in about a week and a half. That's why we're monitoring the situation so closely. If we can establish for a fact that Orrin Liddell is not an illegal alien from Mexico, as has been alleged, we will proceed to take him into custody. Otherwise, we will be forced to briefly detain and then release him, as we do all potential allies of our party.

However, Senator Charles Schumer of New York downplayed the threat posed by El Cristada. "Everyone knows that Christians are total idiots," he said. "Being worried about terroristic attacks from El Cristada is about as stupid as taking al Qaeda seriously. Nobody really wants to kill innocent people but Republicans, and we can handle them."

So don't worry.

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