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Monday, August 13, 2007

The Worst Species


PSAYINGS.5Z.1-12. They're rarely in the news, but they are today:

Trappers target deadly raccoons on US-Canadian border

Dozens of trappers have left their more lucrative prey of foxes and mink to catch raccoons along the US Canadian border that have caused an outbreak of rabies in eastern Canada....

After rabies first struck in May 2006, Quebec authorities launched a huge campaign on the borders with the US states of Vermont and New York to stem the outbreak of the viral disease that is fatal to humans if left untreated.

The raccoon-stopping effort got a bigger boost still after Vermont announced it had detected 50 cases of rabies in the first few months of 2007.

Since the start of the summer, the French-speaking Canadian province has picked up around 40 rabid raccoons and 3,000 of the furry, striped mammals have been euthanized as a precautionary measure.

The raccoon is a leading transmitter of rabies since it lives close to human habitats often feeding on garbage in the city and on crops in the countryside. The cat-size mammal with striped tail and black, mask-like markings over its eyes also comes into contact with domestic animals, who can unwittingly become a dangerous vehicle for the spread of the disease to humans.

Rabies kills some 50,000 people each year around the world. In Canada, the last death from rabies occurred in 2000.

The truth is, raccoons have absolutely no redeeming qualities. They're all born gangsters. They're thieves, they're filthy, and they actually enjoy spreading disease and death. If governments really cared about people, they'd band together for once and exterminate every single one of these disgusting creatures.

But that's not what happens, is it? We have hunting seasons for deer and bear and pheasant, but is there a hunting season for this most despicable of lifeforms? No. Every so often, the powers that be remember what a curse they are and kill a few of them, but never enough to make a real difference.

It's a scandal. Personally, I blame the Bush administration. Their incompetence on the raccoon issue is outrageous. On the other hand, what has the Democratic Congress done in the eight months they've been in power? Nothing. While they've wasted months on futile hearings about trivia, heavily armed gangs of raccoons are rampaging through cities, towns, and fields virtually unopposed. What we need is a "War on Raccoons" led by a Raccoon "Czar." What we'll probably get instead, especially if Hillary is elected, is a Raccoon Rights movement, with full constitutional protections for the very few who are captured in the act of committing their multifarious crimes.

I'm not saying it's a conspiracy, but how would you explain it? Look at them. People who say God doesn't make mistakes never met a raccoon. It's time we quit dithering and solved this problem once and for all.

If you could send me $4.3 billion via PayPal, I promise to make some real progress on turning back the raccoon threat. I'll even issue a report. By December of 2010. Or thereabouts.







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