Monday, October 15, 2007
Sporting America is prostrate with awe.
GODS. Now that the intellectually and socially elite among us have decided that the proper religion of America is atheism, something has to be found to take the place of the old religious superstitions which once condemned us to red-state barbarism. Thankfully, the Brahmin state of Massachusetts has come to the rescue. The new national substitute for God is the New England Patriots, who underwent a divine transfiguration during last night's defeat of the evil red-state Cowboys and attained what the sportscaster-priests of ESPN (the "Enlightened Super-Patriot Nation") could only describe as "perfection." In fact, NBC's Sunday Night Football announcers Al Michaels and John Madden were actually converted to the new faith on the air and fell to their knees in prayer. "Truly, this team is the Alpha and Obama of the universe," proclaimed Madden, lighting a devotional candle in the booth as the second quarter drew to a close. At halftime NBC political-sports polymath Keith Olbermann was moved to confess his own sexual impotence and scornfully named himself the Worst Person in the NFL.
Numerous miracles were reported throughout the Boston area beginning in the fourth quarter. A woman from Dedham was instantaneously cured of Restless Leg Syndrome. A wheelchair-bound Vietnam-era veteran discovered that his General Discharge was suddenly transformed to an Honorable Discharge with commendations. An anorexic girl with low self-esteem from Roxbury spontaneously gained fourteen pounds and received a call to audition for MTV's Real Life TV Show. A priggish virgin from nearby Mount Holyoke College had a prophetic vision of Randy Moss and called Boston's NPR station to invite the entire Patriots roster to a sacred "Girl(s) Gone Wild" ceremony. Senator Edward Kennedy, lying stricken in his post-operative hospital bed, suddenly felt well enough to grope two night nurses and expose himself to his bodacious female surgeon.
College students at Babson, B.U., B.C., Tufts, Northeastern, and Lesley joined together in a spiritual assembly that prayed to Patriot Coach Bill Bellichick (a.k.a. "the Pope") for guidance in Copley Square. As one, they renounced their support for the apostate candidate Ron Paul and, with their Bic lighters burning brightly aloft, they affirmed their undying belief in Tom Brady as the "way and the light," particularly with regard to the perfect ideal He exemplifies by dating, impregnating, and dumping multiple super-models at the same time. (Students at Harvard and M.I.T. in neighboring Cambridge announced they were thinking it all over pretty seriously and would issue a statement sometime after the weekly South House orgy at Radcliffe was concluded.)
Simultaneously, every single ex-NFL jock employed by every television and radio station in the country took to the air to declare the new England Patriots the "best, most talented, and most perfectest football team" in the whole history of the universe.
Boston city officials are already planning a formal Ascension Ceremony scheduled to take place after the inevitable 19-0 Patriots season and Super Bowl victory in February 2008. Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton, a lifelong Patriots fan, is expected to be the grand marshal of the Ascension Procession.
Soccer and rugby fans from Europe, South America, Africa, and the Pacific Rim were not immediately available for comment.
The Crack Brothers
Stung by the lack of attention, the Boston Red Sox issued a press release reaffirming their uniquely Bostonian mission to remain the most spoiled, mawkish, over-publicized, and superlatively loutish professional team in American sports. In a separate statement, David Ortiz and Manny Ramirez said, "F___ the Patriots. America still looks to the Crack Brothers for the bestest example of how to dress, how to act, how to spit and all kinds of sh_t like that. That Brady's nothing but a candy-ass pussy. You can see his calves for Chrissakes. And his shoes, but not the 'crack' of his ass. Get it? We did more models than him on any Tuesday you want to name."
The Gay and Lesbian Front has already issued a protest of the Crack Brothers' comments.
But religious wars are par for the course in the evil history of man, no?