Friday, December 14, 2007

The Friday Follies

Republican Smurfs doing the "I believe in Global Warming" jig.

TGIF. A really really bad week in American political life. There's no way to dance around that sad fact. The two Iowa debates may not have been funny, but they were certainly follies. PBS thought it would be amusing to choose as emcee a nakedly biased martinet who would do her utmost to belittle and sabotage the Republican candidates in her own adaptation of The Weakest Link game show.

The Des Moines Register's debate emcee and her mentor Anne Robinson.

To this end, she broke into every single Republican response with repeated reminders that they had overrun her 45 second time allotment. Her expression never varied from a rigid sneer, and for just a moment when Fred Thompson defied her kindergarten request for a show of hands, it looked as if she might haul out a paddle and spank his bare rear end on the spot.

Speaking of rear ends, though, hers was the sole amusing aspect of the event. Would she have been quite so imperiously self-satisfied on that stage if she'd known what she looked like from, er, behind? If she has a husband, which we tend to doubt, this would have been a good time for her to ask him the infamous question, "Does this suit make my ass look big?" On the other hand, her putative husband was probably crushed beneath her chariot wheels so long ago that he wouldn't have had the nerve to tell the truth even this once: "Yes, dear. It makes your ass look as enormous as Hillary Clinton's."

The Des Moines Register's debate emcee and her "derriere double."

That comparison probably occurred to her quite spontaneously when she viewed the video of her pogrom against the Republicans. Which might explain why she was so cold to Hillary in the Democratic debate the next day, even though she simply oozed good will to all the other Dem candidates. She dispensed with her metronomic time cues and at times she laughed, even simpered, in her appreciation of the astounding liberal wisdom the candidates were able to remember word for word from their stump speeches.

But she's not the only ridiculous figure in this sorry pair of circuses. The Republicans were mostly awful, despite Fred Thompson's brief outburst. As Malkin has pointed out (and as you can see in our top graphic), the leading Republicans all raised their hands to indicate that they believed in Global Warming and that it was principally caused by human activities. If Thompson had been given the minute he asked for, he would probably have agreed too. Since Global Warming has become the political flag under which all the anti-American, anti-capitalist forces in the world are marching, any Republicans who really still are Republicans (and not Democrats-Lite as the Iowa Republicans in attendance were) would be well advised to start noodling a way to engineer a brokered convention for the purpose of nominating someone other than these patsies to run against the Dhimmicrats.

The Hillary-Obama-Edwards-Biden-Dodd lineup performed just as poorly. Their answer to every question is to raise taxes on the "rich" (i.e., everyone who makes more than $75,000 a year) and plunder the Defense Department to raise money for the next uncontrollably huge entitlement in their vision of socialist Utopia. They think they can hold the entire world at bay by engaging in endless talks with certified monsters and that this threadbare strategy will somehow offset the tsunami of antipathy they plan to create by adopting dramatically more protectionist trade policies. It all sounded great to the Des Moines Register's little czarina, and the indications are that it also went down well with the Iowans in the audience.

What do we have so far? Debate events intended to be a forum for selecting the next occupant of the most powerful office in the world formatted and run like a cheesy game show. Candidates from both parties who appear to have no clue about the complexity of the issues confronting the nation or even which ones are the most vital to address. Great.

And then there's Iowa. A state which has by mysterious means become a kind of gatekeeper of the presidential nomination process. Iowa. A state which appears by its questions and its audience reactions to have no interest at all in contemporary immigration issues, the fundamentalist Islamic threat, the dangerous storms of hatred in the middle east, or in fact the existence of ambitious competitor nations outside the borders of the United States. What do they care about? Ethanol. Ethanol and however much "free" shit they can get from the federal government by agreeing to higher taxes for the nasty rich people on the east and west coasts. They also like people to be nice. You can say anything you want as long as you wear a bright superficial smile while saying it. The Democrat audience thought John Edwards came across as "authentic." Let me repeat that. The Democrats in the audience thought John Edwards came across as "authentic"


They also had no problem with Joe Biden's plan to pay for universal health care by looting the Defense Department during a time of war and dismantling the missile-defense program at a time when their country is entering the most dangerous period of exposure in its history to missile attacks by rogue nations who have openly declared their intention to destroy us.


Okay. It's probably true that we're stuck with one of the candidates who tap-danced his or her way through these most recent debates. But isn't it possible that we could at least do something about Iowa?

How about throwing them out of the damn United States? Let them go play in their cornfields, make ethanol instead of food, and then drink themselves into a coma with the stuff. We sure wouldn't lose any sleep over that outcome. Here's what a new improved map of the continental U.S. would look like:

Most of us could dance a happy little jig about that. Even just thinking about it.

Truthfully, there wasn't much else this week worth dancing about. Maybe next week.

P.S. There's one important exception we'd like to point out. (There's always an exception, isn't there? It proves the rule.) We definitely want to keep Iowahawk, who is a national treasure and who happens to be celebrating his fourth blog anniversary this week. He's also been on a most extraordinary roll of late. His sendups of Hugh Hewitt, Franklin Foer of TNR, and the victims of the subprime mortgage disaster are fall-on-the-floor funny.

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