Friday, January 25, 2008
The Better Candidate
President Psmith. It's Perfect. Psee?
PSAYINGS.5A.13. Rachel Lucas, the insouciant Eloise of bloggers, has nominated her dog Sunny for President. Sunny is a Rhodesian Ridgeback and has quite a lengthy platform reflecting the rightwing views of her mistress. For example:
“I’ve got a fevah, and the only prescription is more cowbell.”
Sunny admits she has limited experience with the medical establishment, mostly consisting of having something put in her bottom once a year and then being told she is obese. But it’s never to late to learn, so we recently sat down and watched Michael Moore’s “Sicko” because everyone knows the right solution is the exact opposite of whatever that stupid asshole says. So clearly the only way to go is to privatize the entire health insurance system.
If you’ll review Sunny’s plan to eradicate abortion, you’ll see the real genius behind it: it solves so many other problems at the same time. Why are there so many uninsured children? Because too many people breed before they have financial security. Really, it’s very simple. If you can’t afford health insurance not only for yourself but for your whelps, you don’t get to have whelps. We’ll be adding this condition to the sterilization reversal requirement list.
Sunny is also much more attractive than the other female candidate in the race:
Nevertheless, we can't help feeling concerned that Sunny, especially in light of her platform, might actually do something as President. We believe the American people deserve more, meaning less, than that. It's precisely when they take actions of various sorts that Presidents get into so much trouble. Psmith is the perfect antidote to that problem. He has no platform except for his own mammoth deerhound posterior. He has no ideas of any kind. If elected President of the United States, he would serve by standing (and sitting) there quite handsomely. He might want some gingerbread, but a multi-trillion dollar economy like ours ought to be able to handle that.
And just imagine how soothing and reassuring it would be to the America people to know that their President is snoozing on his great big couch in the Oval Office rather than talking to people, giving orders, making speeches, signing bills, and getting dangerous folk the world over all riled up about problems nobody can really fix.
We're running Psmith (the 'p' is silent) on the Do-Nothing Party ticket, and nobody can beat his experience. He's been doing nothing with imperturbable consistency all his life. He's not even asking for your vote, because that would be doing something. You see how demanding Sunny already is by comparison?
If you want to stop that government clock and have absolutely nothing nasty ooze out of Washington, DC, to infect all our lives, VOTE PSMITH!
If you don't, we'll run Izzie the Bengal (scroll down) instead, which would be very very bad. Take our word for it.