Thursday, February 14, 2008

Man Proven JFK's Secret Son
Seeks Dem Prez Nod, Wins

This photo owned by the Globe and Mail. Apparently.

XOFF NEWS. It all started with a sensational news report:

A MAN has sensationally claimed he is the love child of assassinated US President John F Kennedy.

Mr Worthington, an American living in Canada, was born a year before JFK was gunned down in Dallas 1963.

He came forward after a US newspaper claimed JFK had a possible love child living in Canada.

He said he wanted “to do the right thing”.

Subsequently, volunteers at a crime lab in Las Vegas tested his DNA via cellphone and confirmed within 30 seconds that Worthington is indeed the son of John Fitzgerald Kennedy.

DNC Chair Howard Dean immediately polled his party's 796 "Super" delegates, who unanimously switched their support from Clinton and Obama to Worthington. The 2,171 "Lowlife" delegates, who are technically committed to voting for candidates who won their states' primaries, also switched their votes to the new Kennedy heir.

"Hang the rules," said one typical delegate, a Caucuser from Iowa. "This is the Party of Change. Everybody's been promising us change, and now we have it."

Then came the turning point in the race. All of Hollywood's top box office stars and movie producers endorsed Worthington on the Oprah Winfrey show, and The New York Times declared him the winner of the Democratic nomination.

Dean announced his satisfaction that the contentious race for his party's nomination was now settled, and preparations for a happy convention, a successful general election campaign, and a triumphant coronationinauguration could begin.

Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton immediately called press conferences to protest Worthington's belated entry into the race, but no one came and no one cares what they said.

In his first brief remarks upon returning to the United States, Worthington asserted that he had always opposed the Bush tax cuts for the wealthy, the invasion of Iraq, the Patriot Act, Guantanamo, Dick Cheney, NAFTA, Christianity, capitalism, immigration laws, petroleum, carbon dioxide, red meat, smoking, SUVs, unflattering baby bumps, and breast reduction surgery.

He also said that the message of his campaign would represent a "dramatically new approach" in American politics -- a clarion call for "Change and Bipartisan Unity against the Evil Republicans."

Presumptive Republican nominee John McCain said he looked forward to "a spirited debate on the issues with the new jerk."

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