Archives
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Nancy Pelosi Quits
Congress:
"His name is Bruno... I think."
"His name is Bruno... I think."
A
wobbly Speaker of the House resigned late Wednesday
to pursue "the one true love of my life, come what may."
to pursue "the one true love of my life, come what may."
XOFF NEWS. After having gone missing for almost twelve hours during which her family frantically sought her whereabouts, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi made a brief appearance before cameras Wednesday night to announce that she was leaving Congress to "follow my man to Tijuana for the Pan-American Tattoo Festival," because "he told me to -- or be ready to get my ass kicked from here to Mexico."
Colleagues and friends of the Speaker expressed astonishment and dismay that she would so suddenly abandon one of the most powerful political posts in the nation. Her husband was reportedly so distraught that he cancelled his entire round of appearances at San Francisco bathhouses tonight. Senator Diane Feinstein was the only Pelosi intimate on Capitol Hill to tender any word of support: "In all fairness," she said, "I've spent a weekend or two myself in Oakland with a few dozen of my closest motorcycling friends, and I recognize that look in her eyes. When you've been well and truly, er, befriended, within an inch of your life, it doesn't matter whether you're a U.S. Senator, Speaker of the House, or Empress of Goddam Japan. He snaps his fingers and you do what he says."
When asked for a comment, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid said, "Damn." Moments later, he added, "Damn." Then he concluded, " If only I'd known, I'd have, well, you know, not wasted so much time talking about screwing Republicans."
No party elections have yet been scheduled to determine a replacement Speaker, although multiple party-type parties are in full swing all across Washington, DC. According to party insiders, Senator Barbara Boxer, also of California, is leading the swinging by a head and a "surprisingly agile abdomen."
A spokesperson for the Hillary Clinton campaign dismissed rumors that the former candidate had anything to do with Pelosi's resignation. "Bruno is just a casual friend of the family," she said. "He has no official duties in the campaign organization. What he does in his private life is completely unrelated to any services he might perform, if and whether he does, for Mr. and Mrs. Clinton."
The San Francisco office of the FBI was still printing out Bruno's rap sheet at press time but estimated that the last page would be in hand before the morning network shows went on the air at 7 am.
