Tuesday, July 29, 2008
W. Races His Book to Market
XOFF NEWS. Buoyed by the news that House Speaker Nancy Pelosi has published a book about herself in the teeth of congressional approval ratings that are even lower than his own, the President of the United States has announced that a book he has dictated about what it's like to be him will be hitting the back storage rooms of bookstores all over the nation within the next few weeks.
"They will have to ask for the book by name," Press Secretary Dana Perrino conceded. "The remarkably superior high school graduates who actually shelve books at the nation's two bookstores -- Borders and Barnes & Noble -- are unlikely to carry a book by the President of the United States from the back of the store to anywhere that it might actually be seen or bought. But customers who ask for it are certain to be charmed by an account of the Bush administration from an utterly unexpected source -- that of the chief executive from whom everyone else in his administration has made a fortune by libelling him to an unprecedented degree."
President Bush is also planning, Perrino announced, to spend the rest of his second term on a book tour promoting the work. "I might as well," she quoted the president as saying, "now that we have an 'acting president' so charismatic that the people of Germany are willing to follow him to the very end. Who could compete with that?"
Multiple stops on the president's literary tour have already been booked, including a county fair in Wyoming, a cable access channel in Cowlick, West Virginia, and a college radio station in Gawdhelpus, Alabama. "We will announce other dates as they are confirmed," Perrino said.
Some reporters at the press conference questioned the "as told to" attribution of some writing credit to former press secretary Scott McClellan, who has recently become a critic of the Bush administration. Perrino denied that McClellan's involvement was any cause for concern. "This manuscript was completed well before Scott became a brilliant moral philosopher and political hero," she said. "In fact, while he was actually taking dictation on the manuscript, he was still somewhere between a talentless Texas toady and an embarrassingly inept impediment to any sort of clear communication between the White House and the press. His new-found greatness as a progressive patriot was simply not a factor in this book, although his involvement did require more than the usual complement of spell-checks, and his foreword underwent multiple surgeries for the removal of metastasizing obsequies."
The publisher -- "You Got the Buck, We Got the Printing Press & Sons -- has also released a few text excerpts. Among them:
"Dick Cheney never told me what to do. I brought a cattle prod with me from texas. The old bastard knew I'd stop his pacemaker in a second if he gave me any grief. And I would have, too."
"I know. They say I'm dumb. I just have one question for them: Do you have any idea how hard it is to cheat your way through Andover, Yale, and the Harvard Business School? It's damn near impossible. It takes organization, people skills, ruthless determination, and even an occasional lucky guess. I'm nowhere near as dumb as they'd like to think."
"Drink? You better believe it. Who wouldn't have after 9/11? Where do you think the term "shock and awe" came from? I gave the GO order in Iraq after I downed one bottle of scotch, one bottle of bourbon, and one 40-ounce bottle of Iron City beer. That's when the damn generals knew I was serious. That's my biggest doubt about Obama. World leaders have to be men of the world. FDR never made a decision in WWII without inhaling half a dozen martinis first. Churchill was blasted on brandy from day one of his prime ministership to VE-Day. Lyndon Johnson... well, whew, the stories I could tell from Herr Grandpa Prescott's diary. And JFK had injections most of us would kill for. Yet, to this day, I've never even seen Obama sip a beer. That's sick. And un-American.""
"I'm more like JFK than my 'critics' acknowledge. I went into politics for the same reason he did. Chicks. You get one kind of chick if you own a baseball team. You get a whole different kind of chick if you run the most powerful country on the planet. Enough said. If you want details, talk to Bill. Why do you think he and I hit it off so well?"
"Dan Rather. Geez. I thought he had me. Those memos. Word for word what I remember. What I couldn't believe was how his snitch remembered them word for word too. If he'd had the actual documents instead of retyped copies, I'd have been a goner. Of course, the much bigger relief was that no one ever found out I didn't know how to fly a plane. That would have been a political problem."
"You want to know about Colin Powell? I'll tell you about Colin Powell. One word. Dork. Never knew a black man who was more concerned about how his tie looked than the lies he was telling the U.N. He can go suck eggs."
"Well, I actually like Laura. I really do. She's been a good mother to those kids of ours -- daughters, I'm pretty sure. And she stays out of my way. What else can you ask of a wife? I mean, really?"
"People get upset about all those death penalty cases in Texas. Why? Do you want those people running loose in your neighborhood? No. Of course you don't. Dead is what some people really ought to be. It's a lot easier to be from Massachusetts or California and act all outraged about the vicious killers we're executing in Texas than it is to look at your next-door neighbor who got a kid murdered by some psycho and then argue that he should have cable TV, a kitty-cat, and free room and board for the rest of his natural days. Every time I signed a death warrant in Austin, I hung up that 'Mission Accomplished' banner I've gotten so much grief about. Where do you think we got it in the first place?"
"Yeah, there are always crap-weasels. George Tennent. Richard Clarke. Joe Wilson and that dumb whore wife of his. It goes with the territory. I don't pay them no mind. When all is said and done, I'm the president. That's what it'll say in the history books. Does anybody bother Truman with the crap he pulled on Tokyo Rose? No. The crap-weasels are always footnotes."
"I get tired of hearing that I'm soft on immigration. Of course I am. Never said I wasn't. I ran on it back in 2000. How do you think I overcame all that New England constipation? And a mother who looked exactly like John Madden? Her name was Maria. She took care of me when my parents were at Kennebunkport. She taught me Spanish. And she also showed me her breasts. That's why I'm so bilingual to this day. Quien bustamos las brassieros la takeitoffo nowomos. You see? I just wish that Laura wouldn't keep stalking out of the room every time 'West Side Story' is on and Barney and I start singing 'Maria' and toasting each other with Margaritas and like that. It's a lot more healthily than what we did at Skull & Bones, I can tell you."
"They can talk all they want to about 'no WMDs.' In a few years, nobody will care. I'm the one who took out Saddam. My dad had the chance, but he was too New England and CIA and crap to do it all the way. So, someday, maybe not tomorrow or next year or next decade, somebody's going to go back and look at what Saddam did when he was running Iraq. He was a scumbag. Now he's a former scumbag, a deceased scumbag, a dead and buried scumbag. I was the only one in these United States who was cool enough to buck all the tightass diplomats and make his worst nightmare come true. That's cooler than you'll ever be."
"9/11. Hey, man. You been attacked lately? I stopped those fuckers cold. In their tracks. You know anybody cooler than that? Stallone? Schwartzenegger? Eastwood? Think about it. Not even Clint Eastwood did what I did. Mention Reagan and we'll talk. But Reagan never looked across the piazza at Eli Wahabbi and Lee bin Laden and gunned them down where they stood.. I AM SO COOL."
Word is, MSM outlets like the New York Times and Newsweek were hoping for more explosive revelations. If these aren't forthcoming, book sales might be disappointing despite the fame of the author. And, at a mere 13,500 pages, the Bush book is considerably slimmer than the bestselling Clinton memoirs. George W. Bush may well be forced to take second place yet again behind the most popular president of the last sixteen years.