Wednesday, September 03, 2008

SHOCK! Palin's a Woman

THE STORM. There's been a lot of criticism of the mainstream media and the lefty blogosphere for their reaction to John McCain's choice of Alaska's Governor Palin as his running mate. I tend to think, however, that they just got caught off guard. Who knew that the Party of Old White Men contained any female members, let alone a successful woman politician? After all, it's pretty generally understood by the media that all women outside the beltway are pro-choice single mothers who depend on government assistance just to get by and are therefore Democrats.

The result is that they were slow to realize what had happened. They were overwhelmed by a series of stunning disclosures which were initially impossible to process in their massively educated brains. The announcement event must have been traumatic in the extreme. First, there was the skirt. Why would an old white man be wearing a skirt? Wait. The Republicans wouldn't be nominating a cross-dresser, would they? No. Of course not, but... is he a transgender then? You can just see the waves of confusion storming through their skulls. Then a reference to a baby, and children, and a husband...?! It just... couldn't... be... the case... that Palin is... a woman. Impossible.

So they freaked. They momentarily forgot everything they had learned so painfully from feminists over the last half century. In a vain attempt to see the choice from that peculiarly perverted perspective called Republicanism, they fell into a black hole of conservative bigotry and hatred their gentle upbringings had left them woefully unprepared to handle. If, as seemed to be true, Palin was a woman approved of by conservatives, then she should obviously be a barefoot, pregnant, dirt-eating brood sow safely penned in a backwoods trailer park. And like all Bible-beating hillbillies, the huge extended family would all be sleeping together, every gap-toothed one of them, indiscriminately dropping infants between rows of the okra patch because there was no one to tell them what caused it and how to safely, uh, terminate it. And the absolute final proof of all this would be the fact that one of the babies wasn't wholly, well, right, if you know what we mean.

This is the point at which they began to get carried away. In their temporary simulated Republicanism, they were outraged by the fact of an unmarried pregnant teenager (more -- a teenager cruelly waterboarded into a decision to carry the baby to term) and horrified that a woman with five children (Is that even physically possible?) would have the gall to flaunt her disgusting fertile self in public and even dare to aspire to public office. She might even be breastfeeding. (Ew. EW. Pass us that bottled water, please, to get that awful taste out of our mouths...) This eventuality has to be prevented at all costs. She must be compelled to quit and go meekly home to the icy frontier wastes that spawned her -- and leave governance to the political class of feminized men and masculinized women who have no breasts (at least not lactating ones) and no desire to produce more than one androgynous, green, and vegan child as late in life as possible, at the end of a long line of precautionary abortions. That's modern womanhood. Isn't it?

Do you see now how it all came to pass? If I'm right, they'll gradually return to their senses and resume, somewhat sheepishly, their usual more politically focused style of campaign character assassination. In a week or two they'll forget they ever hated and despised Sarah Palin just because she has breasts and a uterus, just as they've forgotten they ever hated Michael Steele of Maryland for being black when he ran for the U.S. Senate as a Republican.

The vaunted inconquerable tolerance of the left will return. Count on it. Unless it never existed in the first place.

But that would be your call.

P.S. A palate cleanser for you. Back before Palin was an unspeakable pariah and an insult to the American political process, Craig Ferguson seemed to recognize immediately that she was a woman, and a darned attractive one at that.

Maybe he should give lessons to his many Dem friends.

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