Wednesday, July 07, 2004


Kerry-Edwards Kerry-Edwards


KERRY-EDWARDS. I wandered over to today, where they have 14 articles about Kerry-Edwards. I know it's required for every pundit, columnist, and lowly blogger to weigh in on the intensely interesting subject of Kerry-Edwards. So I'm trying to do my part here. Kerry-Edwards. Kerry-Edwards! Kerry-Edwards? It will come to me in a minute, I'm sure.

They sure do make some big teeth down south. Do you think maybe there's a little horse in some of those bloodlines? Forget that. It's off-topic. Sort of off-topic anyway. They keep reminding us that he's this rich successful trial lawyer, but I keep seeing him as the guy on TV who wants you to come on down to the dealership and make an eye-popping deal on a leftover Chevy pickup. Why do they always shout and carry on like that? Is there some sort of secret car-dealer society where they learn all that hokey jabber? Well, this line of talk isn't going anywhere. Kerry-Edwards.

Kerry-Edwards. Somebody or other told me Chris Matthews said that Edwards would clean Cheney's clock in a debate. Because he's a rich trial lawyer. Am I the only one who's ever watched Court TV? I can't believe all those trial lawyers are so anxious to be filmed on the job. Perry Mason they're not. What they are is slow, halting, repetitive, and boring. Real life cross-examination is more like an audit than an episode of Law and Order. I think Cheney could stand up to an audit pretty well. Heaven knows he's probably been through enough of them. Of course, Chris Matthews isn't the most objective fellow in the world. Not the smartest fellow in the world either. In fact, he's kind of a dope. But a fast-talking dope. He's the only man in broadcasting who can give a 700-word sound bite. Oh. Did I stop talking about Kerry-Edwards again? Sorry.

Kerry-Edwards. Will Edwards help the ticket? Who knows. Will he hurt the ticket? Who knows. Should it have been Gephardt or Bayh or Clinton instead? Who cares. The decision's been made. Will Edwards carry his own home state? Well, that's why we have elections, to find out that very thing. Are women going to flock to Edwards? I don't know. I'm not a woman. What do men think of him? Lots of things probably. Most men have pretty different opinions about everything but women, and Edwards isn't a woman, so there's no help there. Kerry-Edwards.

Kerry-Edwards. I'm trying. I'm really trying to figure out what could have been in all those other articles about Kerry-Edwards. But I can't. I couldn't even read them. As soon as they get to the part about Kerry-Edwards a certain feeling steals over me and my eyelids start getting heavy. Kerry-Edwards, Kerry-Edwards, and then my head starts to droop toward my chest and before I know it I.........................

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