Monday, October 27, 2008
Phillies Fever:Emergency Luck Bailout
All emergency situations ultimately become resource issues. What's yours?
FLASHBACKS ARE A BITCH. Since Game 4 of the World Series ended last night around midnight, Philadelphia Sports Fan-in-Chief (Governor) Ed Rendell has been leading a desperate emergency effort to counteract the wave of jinxing behavior that's sweeping through the Delaware Valley. As local SportsTalk radio hosts and print columnists were openly celebrating the "inevitable" Series victory to come in Game 5, planning parades and conducting post-mortems on the failed Tampa Bay team's performance, thousands of grim-faced first-responders were rolling into action under Rendell's direction.
In a brief, anguished statement released early this morning, the Governor ("The Gov") said, "I cannot overemphasize the danger presently facing us. This is Philadelphia we're talking about. This is the city whose professional football team has lost in the closing seconds to more improbable field goals of 50 yards and longer than any other team in NFL history. If her team were tied with the Eagles with two ticks left on the clock, a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader could boot a 56 yard winning field goal blindfolded. This is the city which took five years to win a World Series with a team boasting the greatest pitcher, the greatest power hitter, and the most gifted center fielder of their generation, as well as the all-time major-league leader in base hits. There is literally no end of things that can go wrong for a Philadelphia sports team. That's why I've been compelled by circumstances to call out the Pennsylvania National Guard and numerous other state agency and volunteer personnel in response."
Even as he was speaking, hundreds of Guard trucks were on the road, delivering hundreds of thousands of rabbits feet to state highway salt storage huts where volunteers who had removed the salt (while throwing abundant amounts of it over their shoulder) were waiting to start rubbing them for luck. The Pennsylvania Air National Guard was also mobilized, pressed into service to drop millions of four-leaf clovers over the imperiled City of Brotherly Love. Emergency broadcast channels normally used by police, the Turnpike Authority, and the state weather service were transmitting pleas, via AM and cable media, to Delaware Valley citizens beseeching them to "knock wood" continuously through the end of the Series. The state's 911 operators were also being diverted from answering calls about fires and heart attacks to dialing radio stations with demands to "shut the hell up about how the Phillies have it in the bag." Additionally, the state's mounted police were all being ordered back to their stables to gather up loose horseshoes and arrange them in the "full upright position" required to capture and "hold" good luck. Hundreds of state troopers were reassigned from patrol duties to stand guard over individual members of the Phillies team and front-office organization and prevent them from walking under ladders, breaking mirrors, and doing anything involving the number thirteen. The Governor temoprarily attached all other state emergency personnel to the Philadelphia animal control department, with orders to "detain" all black cats "for the duration," so they wouldn't be able to cross the path of a Phillies fan.
By mid-morning a "crisis website" had been established on-line detailing the many signs that the Phillies luck was doomed to run out. Highlights (lowlights) included the fact that this past weekend may have been the greatest in Philadelphia sports history, featuring two Flyers wins in two days, an Eagles victory in a game they were favored to win (??!! Damn !!??), and two Phillies World Series wins in one day. And then there's what might be if the Phillies win Game 5...
Pitcher Cole Hamels would set a WS record by winning five (5) post-season starts
The Phillies would tie a WS record by having won all of their post-season home games
A Philadelphia team would win a World Championship without a single heartbreaking blunder en route.
"These things just aren't possible," the Governor warns on the site. "Not in this system of reality as we know it."
The "Gov" after one of his numerous losing sports bets with other
city/state politicians. This one concerned the Flyers & Red Wings.
Thus, the waiting game begins. The Countdown to Catastrophe with which all Philadelphians are intimately familiar -- even if they are momentarily crazed with denial.
Including us. It's a lock. Phillies in Five.