Wednesday, July 14, 2004
PRIORITIES. It's all well and good to talk about war and peace and politics when nothing serious is happening, but there are moments when it's time to put away childish things and deal in matters of true import. Just such a moment has arrived now. New photographs have become available that reveal a horrifying truth: Britney Spears has thick ankles. Who could have guessed the dreadful irony of such an eventuality? Certainly, the CIA gave us no hint. It's possible that stock markets will crash, a wave of post-traumatic shock syndrome will sweep through the female pre-teens of the nation, and life as we know it will cease to exist. No wonder she went over the edge a few months ago and savagely seduced her childhood sweetheart. This is the ultimate catastrophe for a country already ravaged by several hundreds of combat deaths and the humiliation of the humiliation of terrorists in our custody. What next? Madonna photographed without makeup? It's a sad day indeed that has arrived on our shores. Our archetypal siren not only has feet of clay; she has legs of piano and a sturdy peasant lower body that is bound to get us laughed at by those who are awaiting the divinely slim virgins of Allah -- the fleets of seraphs who will be surrendering their virginity to holy hijackers and saintly suicide bombers. What base fools we must look for adoring this coarse farm wench as a goddess. The shame of it all.
Britney Baldwin Steinway