Monday, November 10, 2008
Ship of State
They'll be awakened if needed to handle some emergency.
VEEP STRATEGY. Since President Obama is planning to begin his "rule" by "executive order," the transition team has had to engage in some very high level cerebration to arrive at the most productive possible use for, well, irrelevant officeholders like the Vice President, the Speaker of the House, the Senate Majority Leader, and the former president of the United States and his wife, who is, reportedly, a U.S. Senator representing the State of New York. And especially the Vice President,. Who's been making a lot of noise (surprise!) about how lamprey-like he intends to be about attaching himself to policy meetings and the like.
It's long been clear that the "undisclosed location" business wasn't going to work in the new regime. No location remains undisclosed for long when the person so located immediately discloses it to everyone within earshot, generally accompanied by some weird ethnic or gender insult.
The good news is that an incredibly important mission has been found for these valuable members of the Democratic leadership. They will be commissioned to lead the starship Nostromo (2:45 in) on a four -- or possibly eight -- year mission to protect the earth and the universe at large from the depredations of the most malevolent force in existence, Karl Rove, who is always prepared to strike at the heart of everything good and eat it with some fava beans.
You see what an urgent priority it is? But it's tedious work. Which is why the Nostromo's crew are being accorded the great benefit of being placed in suspended animation during most of their mission. They'll be sleeping like babies unless some sort of Rove attack is detected by the ship's scanners, which will immediately wake them and galvanize them into action.
An Obama spokesman said confidently today, "We're ready. If Rove makes a move, Joe Biden will know what to do. He has many many (many) years of experience, and as soon as we make him conscious, he'll spring into action like a kid who's been knocked down by an Indian 7-11 manager or a clean articulate you-know-what and start kicking ass in defense of the planet and the universe. As soon as we make him conscious."
The spokesman dismissed the relevance of a prior Nostromo mission in which only one member of the crew survived a Rovian assault. "That was just bad luck," he explained. "None of the other crew members understood the importance of wearing sheer panties as a DDD (distraction and diversion device). We progressives keep forgetting how sexually perverted all powerful Republicans are. But we won't be making that mistake again. This time they'll all be equipped with the filmiest possible DDDs. We also won't repeat the mistake of including an android weasel screw-up on the crew, which is why Senator Durbin will remain at his invaluable post in the United States Senate. And neither Senator Reid nor Senator Schumer has yet been NASA-certified as flight ready. We're taking no chances. If need be, we'll launch them in their own ship with the DNC's top science consultant, Dr. Jonathan Smith. Rest assured. This time, the Rove Monster is going down for good."
Last time, CIA operative Valerie Plame had to face Rove all alone.
No wonder she stopped taking undercover assignments so long ago.
According to various unnamed sources, former President-elected-but-not-selected Al Gore may also join the crew of the Nostromo on the prestigious new mission, pending negotiations on acceptable panty color, bra cup size, and other minor lingerie issues. (It's already been determined that the Nostromo will be "greened-up" and retrofitted with warp engines powered by windmills.)
"We look forward to the vital role that will be played by this crew and this ship in the new world the Obama administration will bring into being," the spokesman said, "and we can't wait to show them what we've done after we wake them up in 2016."