Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Get Rich for $19.95.
Yes we can. Get out of the financial crunch, that is. For good.
PSONG 23. For an extremely limited time, it's still possible to make a retire-to-Florida-in-impossible-luxury type fortune because of the current financial uncertainty. That's right. Not in spite of. Because of. If you send your certified checks or postal money orders to ThanksForMakingMeRich (at) Instapunk.com, we will send you the whole how-to package for just $19.95.
$19.95. Did you get that part? $19.95!!!
We're going to bypass the usual infomercial ruse of paying people to tell you how much money they made from our too-good-to-be-true scheme because we're hitting you so early in the business cycle that no one has yet made the fortune we're promising. That's how honest and up-front we're being with you. It's a proven fact that most get-rich-quick schemes worked for somebody sometime, but almost always well before it got packaged for delivery on cable at 3 am in the morning. We have cut out all the delay to give you a true-blue golden opportunity to make more damn money than you ever dreamed about in your wildest fantasies. What do you think of that?
Obviously we can't give you all the details until you give us your $19.95, but we can give you a pretty damn good hint or two. The key is gasoline prices. They've shocked people in recent months. They've changed people's buying habits, the rate of new vehicle sales, and, most importantly, the resale value of vehicles people bought just one year ago.
When you send us your $19.95, you'll learn how to make a fortune from the differential between people's expectations and the reality of current market prices. For example, gasoline prices have already been dropping like a rock but the market doesn't trust that this trend will continue. They think gas could bounce on up to five dollars a gallon next week or next month.
Guess what. It can't. It won't. Gas is headed back to the 32 cents a gallon it was 40 years ago. Why? Because thanks to the coming Great Depression II, nobody will have the money to gas up the family SUV. They'll stop driving to the mall, to soccer practice, to their secret trysts at motels, and even to their cross-country vacations at Disneydom. Think about it. If we Americans use the most gas by far of any nation on earth, when we stop driving frivolously the international oil market will collapse into a black hole.
Which means it's time to buy gas guzzlers. But not just any old gas guzzlers. No. The gas guzzlers we want to buy are the most ridiculously expensive, most depreciated gas guzzlers on earth; i.e., one year old sybaritic splendors on wheels, the kind no fabulously wealthy celebrity will touch today or tomorrow but which they'll lust for like crazy when they finally realize gas prices are in the toilet for the next five years minimum. They can afford any gas prices, but they won't want to risk the bad PR until gas prices don't matter anymore. Which is a day that's coming soon.
Here's our list of top investments that don't require you to go anywhere near the stock market for the foreseeable future.
The most expensive car in the world. Think of the discount
after "Joe the Teen-Seducer" drives it off the new car lot.
It gets a mile to the gallon. But it does have other virtues.
The most expensive motorcycle in the world. It has a
V-10 that can top out at 400 mph. Mpg not so good.
The most expensive RV in the world. It gets some number
of gallons to the mile (5). But it's really really plush. Cool.
The most expensive pickup truck in the world. The CXT.
The fuel tanks hold 300 gallons. It has a range of 50 miles.
You do the math. But we gave it a great review here at IP.
Couple more months, and all these one year old (heavily discounted) beauties are going to be back at the top of their value. Profits galore.
We know. You're saying to yourself, "How can I possibly front the cash to make such a great investment in my own immense future wealth, as typefied by my carelessly lazy orders to Cuban servants and random sexual encounters with nubile hardbodies in my oceanfront palace?" Glad you asked.
That's where the $19.95 comes in. After you send us your (certified) check or money order, we'll show you how to set up your finances just like a government-sponsored mortgage bank. You'll learn how to make huge no-down-payment loans to yourself at subprime rates that can then be divided, via our unique "Security Utility Cusinart," and resold to prestigious investment bankers as "Prestigious Investment Societal Securities," which, as everyone knows, constitute a healthy function of a consumer economy. Wiithout it, financial-renal failure soon follows, and even the Federal Reserve's Autonomically Usurious Dialysis is powerless to effect a cure.
But you don't have any chance of winning life's grand lottery unless you send in your $19.95. Like everyone else in this limp economy, you'll just be pissing in the wind. Like a damn prostate case (i.e., lawn sprinkler).
$19.95. Check (certified). Or postal money order. Malibu (and unbridled sexual excess) awaits.
NOTE. Instapunk.com is regrettably in some financial distress at the moment, like everyone else. We apologize for having sold this post for infomercial purposes, and we'd really like to disavow all the "we" references which make it seem as if we're endorsing the false claims in this marketing presentation. Unfortunately, we can't. Our contract won't permit it. Which is why we stand heartily behind every representation made on behalf of this outstandingly terrific investment opportunity, as described by our generous and brilliant financial friends at the Financial Underwriters Collective of Kentucky. You see how it is, don't you?
Sorry. The steak dinner they bought us was good, though.