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Tuesday, December 09, 2008
San Fran Paralyzed
By Gay Sick-Out
By Gay Sick-Out
What
will we ever do? Put Andrew Sullivan on speed-dial, somebody.
ANDREW? Well, gee. The gays aren't coming to work in San Francisco. Hope they can survive. Of course, the government has some power to mitigate the disaster. Governor Schwarzenegger is assigning units of the California National Guard to fill in at the city's advertising and public relations firms, restaurants, and hotels, where the troops have been ordered to dress beyond their means, leer concupisciently at strangers of the same sex, and utter loud catty remarks about out-of-town clients while making frequent allusions to their personal preferences regarding fellatio and sodomy. FEMA first responders have also been pressed into service, despite their relative lack of training in California cultural norms. Their mission is to frequent various establishments that would ordinarily be filled with the missing city workers and make huge scenes about the poor quality of the cuisine and the wine. They are also receiving emergency training in shrieking across crowded rooms at the shocking attire of obviously heterosexual women.
The crisis is expected to be so extreme that elements of the Indiana National Guard have also been called in for additional support. Since there is no time to provide them with specific training, they will be deployed to replace the general population of gays who ordinarily miss work for HIV treatments and romantic upsets.
"There's no room here for subtlety," said a spokesgay for the governor's office. "All we can really do is strip them, truss them in leather, and inflict them on the sidewalks. Just between thee and me, we're also considering an alert to the SFPD about a possible rape epidemic. These outlander troops are from Indiana after all, and who knows what they'll do when they're half naked and sporting cock rings in a city one-third full of women, at least some of whom might be frustrated heterosexuals. Part of it will be consensual, Gawd knows, but what of the other half percent? They're walking potential victims of violent forced sexuality. Ooh."
Yes, we're all holding our breath about the possibly dire consequences in San Francisco. Worst case, some press releases might not get written, a truly huge number of hysterical catfights might not occur, and the lunchtime business at city bathhouses might plummet to Depression levels. We can only hope that all be well and that no permanent harm will be done to the city's economy.
Or not.
P.S. Something rather more serious. Our Eloise -- a.k.a. Rachel Lucas -- needs a foster home for her two big dogs in the Dallas-Fort Worth area. Read about it here. If you have any ideas, you can comment at her website.
