Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Honest Obe

Can't wait to see the new "chin whiskers."

CORONATION UPDATE. Ain't life grand? Who would ever have thought that Abraham Lincoln would become a decorator's "inspiration piece" in the 21st century? But according to inside sources, that's exactly what's happened. Not only will the Anointed One be using the Lincoln Bible for his swearing-in ceremony, he will also be looking to the Great Emancipator for menu and other style tips during the inaugural festivities:

Part of the meal will even be served on replicas of the china picked out by First Lady Mary Todd Lincoln at the beginning of her husband's first term in office in 1861.

The appetizer will feature a seafood stew in puff pastry - including scallops, shrimp and lobster - in honor of Lincoln's love of seafood.

The main course of a "Brace of American Birds (pheasant and duck)" with sour-cherry chutney will be served with molasses sweet potatoes - a nod to the root vegetables and wild game that Honest Abe ate as a child in Indiana...

"It's always good to model yourself after a great president," said Eric Foner, a professor of American history at Columbia University. "The proof will be in the pudding."

Thanks to our own highly placed sources, we can give you proles even more information than that. Here's a look at the official keepsake menu for that luncheon:

And, yes, the fare really will be authentic. An elite detachment of Secret Service agents has been trained to kill all the necessary game with the aforesaid Kentucky long rifle. Kewl.

Noted artists have been engaged to offer every guest a painting
of his game birds as they looked shortly after their demise, just as
they might have looked during the first Lincoln administration do.

As we understand it, guests will also be awarded valuable door prizes for digging out the bullets that killed their lunches. (I'm sure DC dentists are thrilled about this part of the gala.) These will be collected by the period-era waiters who will be serving those in attendance:

The stovepipe hats are a nice touch of livery, don't you agree?
It's how Mary Lincoln did it. So it must be okay, right? Right?

Predictably, though, protesters have already promised to do everything possible to disrupt the most sickeningly unacceptable aspects of this inaugural feast.

But what would a public event be without another nude PETA protest? As
soon as you hear tell of murdered pheasants and ducks, the first response
of any real animal lover is to rip their bra off and hit the high-traffic areas.

Well, that's life in America. Can't please everybody, can you? What everybody is guaranteed to love is the immediate enshrinement of our new president in two important venues. First, the head of Lincoln has already been sawed off the retro sculpture at the old Lincoln Memorial in favor of that of the new Great Emancipator.

Finally. Abe can get some well deserved rest.

AND, the first great public works project that will put millions of stupid, unskilled Americans back to work in the new era has already been decided -- in fact, will be announced via presidential decree during the post-luncheon audience our new leader will grant to the press -- the reconfiguration of America's equivalent of the great pyramids of Egypt.

Of course we predicted it long ago. We know everything.

This is going to be the Greatest. Inauguration. Ever. You heard it here first.

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