Tuesday, January 20, 2009

The Obamascension

Too grandiose? Just want to make sure you get your money's worth.

THE LINCOLN LOG. Just a quick update on inauguration details, in case you're one of the estimated 50 million people who will be squeezing into Washington, DC, for the festivities. You'll need to park your car in Poughkeepsie, Scranton, or Raleigh and walk the rest of the way to the ceremony, so wear comfortable shoes like these.

The Air Jordan XXO, official shoe of the 2009 inauguration.
Just $378 a pair (unless you buy from a scalper at the event).

But the good news is, thanks to a last-minute congressional bailout that has (approximately) doubled the inauguration budget from $150 million to $4.5 trillion, the bells and whistles are going to be even splashier than promised. The oath of office will be administered by the Lord and Creator of the Universe himself since Abraham Lincoln was, for some reason, still unavailable.

But they'll still be using the Lincoln Bible.

For this reason, the Secret Service will be standing down today, and security will be handled by some of God's peeps instead.

The bodyguard during the Obamaddress will be
the archangels Gabriel, Michael, and Taekwon.

In another last minute change, Beyonce will NOT be singing the Etta James classic "At Last." Etta will. (Thank God for that. He sort of insisted.)

Out                                                          In

But Beyonce will still be on hand, wearing a sexy dress with her Air Jordan XXOs. Something she's actually good at.

The only bummer -- and we hate to mention it, but you need to know -- is that due to federal regulations and space limitations, the authentic Lincoln-Pottie everybody will be using is located behind the FBI building, next to the Nixon Memorial Tape Dumpster. Be prepared to wait in line for a few weeks if you need to go.

Maybe you could all sing Kumbaya or something while you wait.

Have a nice time. I'm sure it will be worth the few inconveniences you'll have to put up with.

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