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Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Vetting Sotomayor
Why
are they hiding her behind the teleprompter? Five o'clock shadow?
WIKI-POOP. All the smart moderates in the Republican Party think Republicans should be more like Democrats. The nomination of Sonia Sotomayor is an excellent opportunity to get started at that. If there's one thing Democrats know how to do, it's vet nominees for high office. If the Republicans want to win back accomplished, high-minded intellectuals like Colon Powell, David Books, and David Frump, they should seize the day and vet Sotomayor as if she were Robert Bork, Clarence Thomas, Charles Pickering, or (yeah!) Sarah Palin. To help out, we've prepared a list of substantive questions that need to be pursued as aggressively as possible on every television news and gossip program. Almost all of them relate to the only important information contained in the biographical sketch published today by the Washington Post:
Judge Sotomayor is deeply committed to
her family, to her co-workers, and to her community. Judge Sotomayor is
a doting aunt to her brother Juan's three children and an attentive
godmother to five more.
1. Apparently, she has no children. How many abortions has she had? Can she prove how many she's had? (It's a Roe v. Wade thing.)
2. Is she willing to provide photographs from her most recent internal exam detailing whether or not her uterus shows signs of having been pregnant at one time or another? Does her vagina show signs of having given birth, perhaps to a child that was given up for adoption to one of those professional Hispanic foster mothers we hear so much about? Can we see it, to determine for ourselves whether we think she may have given birth?
3. Apparently, she has no husband. Is she a misanthrope? That is, does she hate men? We have a right to know. Can she produce a list of all the men she has ever dated or slept with so that we can determine to our own satisfaction what she may have meant by this quote:
[In a] 2001 “cultural diversity
lecture” at the University of California... she “hopes that a wise
Latina woman with the richness of her experiences would more often than
not reach a better conclusion than a white male who hasn’t lived that
life.”
4. Is she a lesbian? Does she have pictures? What porn movies does she rent? Are they all about short squat Latina lesbians like herself? Is she in any of the porn movies about short squat Latina lesbians she's so obsessed with? Can we see all her underwear? That would be very helpful. Somehow.
5. Is it just a coincidence that she looks exactly like a shorter, squatter version of Roseanne Barr? Can she prove that she's not related to Roseanne Barr? And that she isn't having sex with Roseanne Barr seventeen times a week, shouting obscene anti-male hate speech the whole time?
6. She looks like she would probably pee standing up. Can she prove that she doesn't do that? Can we watch?
7. Now that you mention it, can she prove that she's not actually a man, faking the whole semi-female-looking thing just to take advantage of the affirmative action opportunities for the one zillionth of one percent of Hispanic women who can con their way through Yale Law School? We need pictures. Gynecologists under oath with charts and graphs and stuff. And probably some topless braless shots just to make sure.
8. Isn't it true that before she went to Princeton with her female impersonator pal "Michelle," she made a living as a super-flyweight Mexican boxer fighting under the name "El Soto Socko"? (she was less dumpy back then.) And isn't it true that she made mucho pesos in fixed fights where she took dives so often she got run out of boxing and had to go to Princeton on full scholarship or starve?
9. Given that she's just a crooked ex-boxer from Mexico whose friends are all crooked female impersonators from Chicago, can she read? Can she supply proof of that?
10. And about the whole Mexican thing? Does she have a green card? Or is she just a flat-out illegal alien, like the president and all the other appointees in the Obama administration who pay no taxes and get confirmed anyway?
Well, this is how the Repubs would go about it if they really wanted to bring Colon Powell back under the Big Tent. But they won't. Because they really don't want him back. Racists.
You know. Or maybe you don't. But you could always ask Sarah Palin. She knows exactly what I'm talking about. Something about respect for women. Except when they're racist, homophobic bitches. Like that Miss California c___.
