Monday, August 16, 2004
The Punk Writers' DebateSERVING YOU SINCE 1980. InstaPunk has been silent for the past week or so because all punk writers are required to attend our quadrennial debate, which is held at an undisclosed location, by invitation only, on a date announced only with sufficient notice to allow for travel time. (If you didn't receive an invitation, you are not a punk writer; better luck next time.) We apologize for the inevitable lapse in entries which resulted.
The climactic fourth night of the Convention
Normally, we employ the Debate to settle differences among us and to arrive at conclusions regarding the State of Everything. Those of you who have read the Punk Testament of The Boomer Bible know that these can be contentious and combative affairs. What comes of our debates usually remains private, intended to serve as inspiration for future punk pieces rather than public posturing. This year, however, it was resolved that the major political parties have gone much too far in imitating the ruthless battle-to-the-death style of punk argumentation, and we agreed -- at long and bloody length -- to enter the 2004 campaign with our own openly declared Punk Party, including a platform on which two nominees might run, competing for most obnoxious honors in the pig trough U.S. national politics has become.
THE PARTY PLATFORM
Our platform discussions sent quite a few of our number to the hospital, but we are happy to announce the following major planks.
The Punk Party asserts that all institutions have contributed as active accomplices in the destruction of American education, including school boards, schoolteachers, unions, college professors, local/state/federal governments, parents, mass media, religious organizations, the children themselves, and -- more recently -- private schools and universities and their adherence to loony standards of political correctness. Further, the Punk Party takes the position that no effort to reform education will succeed unless children want to be educated. Therefore, the Punk Party advocates immediate federal legislation declaring all forms of education illegal and punishable by a mandatory five-year term in prison. Only this radical measure will make learning attractive to the spoiled, anarchic slugs whose only detectable interests include activities that involve breaking the law -- i.e., the use of illegal drugs, underage smoking and drinking, underage sex, copyright theft, etc. Let them educate themselves in secret as the last possible act of rebellion against bankrupt parental and institutional authority. Libraries and the Internet will, of course, remain unrestricted. The enormous cost savings associated with the closing of all public and private schools and universities should be returned to the taxpayers. All professors, teachers, and school bureaucrats who lose their jobs via this legislation should be apprenticed to skilled crafts and tradesmen for the purpose of learning, before they die, something about what work is This measure includes all politicans and legislators who entered politics via the education system. As these parasites are apprenticed out, they should be replaced by special elections, as necessary.
2. Health Care
The closing of all educational institutions and the accompanying cost savings should enable all Americans to afford private health insurance. To this end, the federal Medicare organization will be converted, upon passage of the education legislation, to a service organization that assists elderly or retired Americans to find one of the new health care insurance plans that will surely arise in response to the bonanza of private monies available to procure insurance. Once this reassignment process has been completed, the federal government will end all involvement with health care, except as it pertains to providing financial assistance to the indigent in their payments to private insurors.
3. Sin Control
The U.S. government will immediately cease and desist all activities intended to define and regulate sin in the United States. Any government whose legislative acts have served to make smoking cigarettes more damnable in public opinion than the abortion of fetuses cannot be trusted to play any part in the definition of public morality. Therefore, all laws making the consumption of any form of drug illegal will be repealed. All excise taxes on alcohol and cigarettes will be repealed. All laws prohibiting prostitution will be repealed. All laws defining abortion in terms of privacy will be struck down as soon as punk judges control the U.S. Supreme Court. This ruling will, of course, be followed by consideration in state legislatures of laws legalizing infanticide. These may be passed or defeated, as legislators decide, and the various supreme courts will then have to consider whether their constitutions allow for any legal form of homicide. The thousands of law enforcement personnel freed up by these measures will be reallocated to such homeland security priorities as securing U.S. borders and safeguarding facilities which might become terrorist targets or tools.
4. The Economy.
All federal taxes apart from customs duties will be repealed at once and replaced with a national sales tax on goods and services. The only individuals exempt from paying sales taxes will be individuals who are receiving government assistance or who have received government assistance within the past two years. The only businesses exempt from collecting sales taxes will be startup companies with fewer than 100 employees; these will be exempt from any requirement to collect sales taxes for a period of five years. The IRS will be immediately abolished and a general amnesty declared for all past tax offenses that have not been successfully prosecuted to date. Sales tax rates will be stratified: goods and services classified as indispensable (e.g., rent, food, clothing, used cars, medications, bus and train fares) will be taxed at a lower rate than goods and services classified as optional (new homes, new cars, jewelry, vacation travel) or luxurious (expensive cars, yachts, in-ground swimming pools, etc). The end of income taxes, capital gains taxes, and estate taxes, plus the end of the onerous reporting requirements by private citizens, should provide the economy with an enormous boost that will pump more capital into the private sector and enable individuals to minimize their tax liabilities by the purchase choices they make. Beyond this, the federal government will make no effort, nor claim to have any capability, to "create jobs." Only private enterprises and individuals can offer this potential, and the government will make every effort not to impede it.
All illegal aliens will be arrested and deported, regardless of circumstances. The nation of Mexico will be given an immediate ultimatum: end illegal immigration from its side of the border or accept an immediate end to all aid from and trade with the United States. Mexico needs the U.S. more than the U.S. needs Mexico. All foreign nationals from Arab nations and any other nations whose governments are known to harbor or finance terrorists will be denied entry to the United States for any purpose, excepting diplomatic and business purposes expressly approved by the U.S. government.
6. Homeland Security
Airport security will be immediately reformed to end random harrassment of U.S. citizens who do not look middle eastern, speak in foreign accents or languages, or wear Islamic attire. Airport security will adopt all practical applications of racial profiling, bearing in mind that terrorists may at times appear simply foreign or Islamic. In addition, the U.S. government will announce that it is no longer indemnifying business or state government organizations from the losses associated with their negligence in effectively protecting against terrorist attacks. All government regulations which prevent business or state government organizations from adequately protecting their facilities from terrorists will be immediately repealed. When this has been accomplished, no shipping company, airline, utility, or port will have any financial refuge from the failure of their own security responsibilities.
7. Foreign Policy
A) Islamo-Fascism. Apparently, it takes a barbarian to recognize a barbarian. The punk writers freely acknowledge their barbarian origins and fiercely declare their undying loyalty to their American homeland. The United States is presently in a war for survival. Such wars are fought with allies when they can be, but they are fought nonetheless when they must be fought alone. Allies who lack will, courage or loyalty are more dangerous than helpful, because a battle line is only as strong as its weakest unit. The most urgent priority in a war is to identify the enemy clearly and attack him relentlessly with all possible resources. The Punk Party therefore calls for the death of all Islamo-fascists worldwide, whenever and however they are positively identified. Their so-called religious views are not protected by the U.S. Constitution's first amendment, because in the first place they are foreigners, and in the second place their rantings do not constitute speech but mere triggers to initiate violence against enemies with whom they wish to have no dialogue and from whom they seek no reforms. In short, their manifestos amount to no more than a sentence of death against Christians, Jews, and democratic peoples the world over. They should be reciprocated in the same terms. The Punk Party therefore advocates the immediate decapitation of all Islamic detainees who are determined by a military tribunal to be engaged in terror activities against the United States. Further, the Party declares that the next fatal terror incident on American soil will be followed by a notification from the U.S. government that the residents and neighbors of Mecca have 24 hours to evacuate. At the end of the grace period, Mecca shall be erased from existence by a thermonuclear warhead. Finally, the Punk Party advocates the use of all possible measures, however extreme, to locate and kill Osama bin Laden and his minions.
B) Iraq. U.S. commanders in the field will be given new rules of engagement allowing them to use all force at their disposal to destroy any mosque, shrine, or other nominally religious site used to shield anti-government forces or their weapons. From this point forward, each American death in Iraq will be avenged via the destruction by cruise missile of a) one mosque in Iran or Syria known to be headed by an Islamo-fascist cleric or b) one known facility occupied by any anti-U.S. or anti-Israeli terror organization. These targets will be chosen by lottery and will not be announced ahead of time. Apart from these measures to protect American troops, the Iraqi government will receive all practical support in its efforts to achieve a stable non-theocratic democratic government for as long as is required.
C) The United Nations. The United States will immediately withdraw from the U.N. and expel its member functionaries from American soil. No organization which seeks to reduce prosperous nations to the standard of living achieved by the failed peoples of the Third World should have any say whatsoever in the disposition of the great issues that affect civilization. The U.N., in the opinion of the Punk Party, will not be missed. It has prevented no massacres or genocides, it has toppled no dictators, and it has accomplished nothing of note besides the corruption of those officials who have used its bureaucracy to enrich themselves. There will be no replacement of the U.N.
D) NATO This once powerful alliance will be left to rot in place while a new formal alliance consisting of the remaining loyal members of the "Coalition of the Willing" is made permanent and given official preference in all matters by the U.S. government. Simultaneously, all U.S. troops and military hardware will be withdrawn from France and Germany, and all sharing of classified U.S. military information with these two countries will cease.
E) Nuclear Proliferation. All U.S. troops will be immediately withdrawn from South Korea. As soon as this evacuation has been completed, North Korea and Iran will be simultaneously targeted for preemptive nuclear attacks on the nuclear programs of these two barbarian nations.
F) Global Warming. The Punk Party continues to await proof that Global Warming a) exists, and b) is caused by human activities. Until this proof is forthcoming, the U.S. will engage in no discussions or treaties on the subject.
G) Canada. Screw Canada. In every way possible.
H) All Other Nations and Adversaries. The U.S. will announce that a line has indeed been drawn in the sand. All efforts to obstruct the U.S. government in its efforts to protect American citizens and all efforts to harm American citizens either overtly or passively (e.g., through tolerated official corruption) will be subject to immediate, proportional retaliation via economic, legal or (worst case) military measures.
The Punk Party also nominated candidates for Prez and Vice Prez, knowing full well that they have no chance of being elected. Their only mission is to criticize any other candidates running in the 2004 election in any way, and for any reason, they deem appropriate. Since we expect them to be highly offensive in their rhetoric, we have elected to delay revealing their identities until a Punk Secret Service has been organized to protect them as they campaign. For now, we can offer only the following portrait of them:
The Punk Party candidates for Prez and Vice Prez reporting for duty.
As they speak out on the issues and other candidates, we will keep you informed.
To catch up on the days InstaPunk failed to comment on current events, we will be running one or two "roundup" entries that will address multiple topics more briefly than is our custom. Look for them.