Friday, November 20, 2009
The Next President
Martin Van Buren. Every heard anything about him? Exactly.
DISTRACTIONS ASIDE. Not that I've been watching, but it's been unavoidable. Sarah Palin's book tour. Missed the Oprah thing, saw a glimpse of the O'Reilly interview. Sorry, folks. She will not be president in 2012. Why. She's absolutely gorgeous. You can't stop looking at her. Reminds me of the world's weirdest movie star. Who will also not be president in 2012. You see, thanks to the amount of time I've spent studying Criminal Minds, I've been able to come up with a definitive profile of the next president of the United States, the chief feature of which is that he will bear no resemblance to Barack Obama. Things we can say for sure.
-- He won't be an historical first of any kind, like, say, a woman
-- His clothes won't quite fit.
-- He won't be a dynamic, galvanizing, or particularly moving speaker.
-- If he schedules a primetime press conference, none of the networks will cover it.
-- He'll win presidential debates by causing the audience to turn off the television out of boredom.
-- His wife won't wear jeans shorts or designer belts five inches wide.
-- He won't appear on any magazine covers or adoring YouTube videos.
-- He won't cause any network newsmen to get homoerotic leg twitches.
-- He won't cause any network newswomen to get hot and bothered on Air Force One.
-- He won't be young.
-- He won't be good looking.
-- He won't be charming.
-- He won't be sexy.
-- He won't be even remotely glib, folksy, or clever.
-- He won't have different accents for different audiences.
-- He'll spend a lot of time off-camera in the White House. Working.
-- He won't be apologetic about anything American, at home or abroad.
-- We'll be okay with that.
-- He'll have actual experience in government, foreign policy, and executive roles.
-- He'll love the United States more than himself.
-- He'll be an ruthless bastard about pursuing American interests abroad.
-- He'll see wars as opportunities for victory, not occasions for PR bonanzas in world opinion.
-- He'll be elected BECAUSE he is boring, experienced, competent, and predictable. And boring.
By 2012, the entire country will be yammering for an old-fashioned, even soporific president. Where can we find someone like Chester A. Arthur, Millard Fillmore, James K. Polk, Benjamin Harrison, or Martin Van Buren? Unfortunately, almost all Republicans flunk the test. Romney is good looking if not sexy. Huckabee is charming if nothing else. Giuliani and Thompson just love those cameras. Palin is completely out of the question.
The only ideal candidate in this scenario is Dick Cheney. Except that his heart is two-thirds dead. Which is why we're starting, today, an appeal to liberals to put their huge hearts where their passions lie. The president this country needs also requires your bleeding but veganistically healthy heart. Face it. YOU know Obama is a flop. Cheney's a cinch in electoral terms. What we need from you is a leap of faith. Give the next president your impeccably perfect heart and hope that it imbues him with at least some sympathy for all your stupid, misguided, destructive anti-American, anti-human policy initiatives.
While you mull it over, here's the number to call if you're enough of a patriotworld-citizen to seek the liberal re-hearting of Dick Cheney:
The phones here will be manned 24/7. Can't wait to hear from all you selfless patriots totalitarians secular humanists.