Monday, December 07, 2009


Cash for Wallflowers

A federal hotline is now open... Thank God!!!

EIGHT. A brand new Obama administration offensive is underway to redistribute unfairly concentrated sexual desire by the billionaire Tiger Woods. The new social justice initiative -- purportedly sponsored by Michelle and Barack Obama and Attorney General General Eric Holder and his wife Dr. Sharon Malone -- represents a follow-on to the incredibly successful "Cash for Clunkers" program which put thousands of dollars into individual consumers' pockets for a cost of only billions to millions of recession-strapped taxpayers.

As spokesthing for the new program, Michelle Obama said, "It's about time that somebody compensated the millions of victimized women who were never ogled, hit upon, leered at, or seduced into sexual ecstasy by the tiny one millionth of one percent of the most sexually attractive billionaires in this rigged capitalist system.

"It's long past time that the tiny minority of the world's most sexually attractive men be compelled to offer their wares to the millions and millions of women who have never waited table in Vegas, poured syrup in diners, strutted their stuff on reality TV shows, or starred in pornographic movies. What justice is available for those women who are taller than Alan Iverson, wider than an RV, flatter than the Great Smoky mountains, or chained to some empty-suit weed who thinks par is once a year? Is this democracy?"

President Obama added, in response to his wife's statement, "What she said." Mrs. Obama went on to say, on 60 Minutes or whatever microphone was turned on at the time, "It's not right. It just isn't. Why weren't we told that he was sexually unsatisfied? Something could have been done about this. Believe me. Something could have been done about this. No scandal was necessary."

In a separate statement, Dr.Sharon Malone said, "The U.S. Justice Department is going to right all the wrongs. I told Eric what to do and he's doing it. He better. With a phony hairline like that. Every woman who has NOT had an affair with Tiger Woods is entitled to compensation from the federal government of the United States. If I get my way, no money will be involved. Reparations will be in the form of 'hot, steamy sex' between Tiger and all the women he has disappointed."

The senate leader of the reparation effort, Charles Schumer, quickly dashed hopes that the senate bill under consideration would involve actual sex. "I've never had sex with my wife," he said. "And I'm a [bleeping] U.S. Senator. Fact is, the U.S. Senate has never guaranteed sexual congress to anyone but sitting -- or possibly squatting -- senators and congresspeople (obviously), and it would be an unpardonable projection of our power to extend coital rights to those who are perfectly capable of extorting sexual favors from their gay or straight economic partners without congressional coercion. The most we could offer in these circumstances is a "Medal of Freedom" and a, well, 'uninhibited night' in the Lincoln bedroom, pending the First Lady's permission, of course."

It was left to senator Dick Durbin to announce that the new federal program meant that women "could do pretty much whatever they wanted to," because we all know that "women always always get what they want," especially when they're years younger than "tired, married, old whores who are married to women who always hated you in the first place."

All that's left is picking out the particulars. Women who have not been [blanked] by Tiger can call the Hotline. If you're (really) lucky, Hillary will answer. In the other 118,800,000,000 cases, you'll get someone else. But Michelle may call you for sexual advice. Sound fair?

We thought so.

The number is: 1-800-MAX-LEWD.

[You might think I'd be too tired of everything to respond to such a call volume. You'd be wrong. The only thing I've seen better than live Aerosmith is the Stones, and them only five times. There's absolutely no doubt I can refer you to reliable sources for what you need.]

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