Thursday, December 17, 2009
Bests and Worsts of 2009
SOMETHING WORSE THAN THE SMELL OF ROTTING MOUSE? Bests and worsts of the decade soon to follow. This is just a foretaste.
Best politician. Michelle Bachman. She has all the liabilities of Sarah Palin -- articulate, good-looking, conservative, determined, smart, and ebullient. Must be awful. No. She's great.
Best movie. No nominees this year. None, nada, nil, zilch.
Best television show. 'Fringe.' Does it matter that the show makes no sense, that the plots are frequently borrowed from 'X-Files," that the whole premise is absurd? Yes. But not enough. The Aussie agent is hot and so is her "we're not having sex but love each other" boyfriend from some old network soap opera. Hell, it doesn't even matter that the plots fall so completely apart that it's easy to turn the thing off ten minutes before the end because you've figured out the paranaormal explanation this week. Well, yeah, all that does matter. But the Aussie FBI agent is still hot.
Best sporting event. Tiger Woods sleeping with every woman in America. While winning all those golf tournaments. Unless it was the X-Games, which are absitively, unf***ingly unbelievable.
Best news story. The AP assigning eleven reporters to fact-check Sarah Palin's book and only four to fact-checking ClimateGate. I mean, really. How cool does it get?
Best song. There weren't any good songs this year. Here's the newest good song:
Best blog. InstaPunk. Yeah, we've looked around. Read the popular conservative nominees. Objectively, finally, we've decided the best is, uh, us.
Best new cable show. Imus in the Morning.
Worst politician: Nancy Pelosi. We'd elaborate. But there's no need.
Worst movie: '2012.' People actually believe this end-of-the-world shit. Meaning liberals. You know, the rational ones.
Worst television show: Too many to list. The woman who had all those kids who also divorced her husband for better ratings. Unless it was the woman who had all those babies just to prove that she could have all those babies. Either way, the only thing proved was that women are completely f***ing nuts, which must make all those Brandeis, Smith, and Wellesley grads feel great. As they shouldn't.
Worst sporting event: Every NBA game played this year. With Honorable Mention to "March Madness."
Worst news story: The Obama Inauguration. And all the subsequent magazine covers. Yuk. Yuk. Yuuukkkkk...!
Worst blog: Temptation abounds. I'd love to hit all the obvious targets and smash them into ruins but, hell, there's only one Worst Blog. Andrew Sullivan.
Worst new cable show: Tossup between Rachel Maddow and Joy Behar. Since they're both morons, why do I have to decide? But I will. Rachel Maddow is the one I'd like to argue into the weeds. She's vicious, awful, and deranged, but not retarded. Like Joy Behar is. Meaning retarded. Give me Rachel to crush. And I'll be happy. Or as close to it as I can get in an age when Obama is able to destroy my country with a 49 percent approval rating.