Monday, February 07, 2011


FIGHT OR FLIGHT. I admit it. For a while there I lost heart. Then I heard from an old Marine friend. Who said, "Just keep going. Because you can't not keep going."

He's right, I suppose. It doesn't matter who believes or doesn't. I still believe. Regardless of everything. Even if I'm dumbly repeating myself. Every "new" post idea I floated by him he politely confirmed I'd already made, abundantly,with graphics and music in support. "So I must be done," I said. "Not by a long shot," he replied. "Sometimes what people need is the image of the loser who insists on raising the rifle to his shoulder and firing again, even though all is lost." Trust a Marine to invoke that particular recipe for, uh, victory. Victory Pyrrhic and Parthian.

"All is not lost," I protested. "Thiis is still America."

"Precisely," he said. "That's what InstaPunk is. The never ever giving up thing. Where else do you find that? Your readers and commenters. They are your army. With good reason. They follow because you fight. You're all the writers who ever actually cared about people, and they know it. You never ever ever stop. The only one who ever almost forgets that is you."

"Don't.," he said. "You were Nuke. Doesn't matter if now and again you're as low as Shane. Try to remember. You're the weirdest man on the planet, part savior, part cold-blooded killer, and part thoroughgoing thinker. Nobody could be as hard and hated as you without possessing some deep virtue. Remember that."

I'll try. Except that Marines have never been noted as philosophers. Go figure. He's probably just one more insane non sequitur in the double failure of my life. Which I tend to think of as two inverted peaks of self-destruction.

Unless I just like the music.

Tomorrow I'm putting my boots back on. And the spurs. If it weren't illegal, I'd also holster a .45. If I had one. If I had one in the closet downstairs. Which I don't. Of course. Obviously. Speaking metaphorically. Of course.

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