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Tuesday, April 05, 2011
Dancing with the Stars
Scandal
I think it's
called double-dipping.
OLD VICES. I wouldn't ordinarily waste space on this. We're a serious, world-saving type blog and DWTS is complete fluff, not to mention that all the judges are Democrats, socialists, or worse. But this year, they're approaching a level of corruption that rivals that of the Quiz Show scandals of the 1950s. It's no secret that the show in years past has shamelessly promoted, in the name of ratings, NFL contestants who couldn't dance a lick but somehow made it all the way to the finals -- Jerry Rice, Emmett Smith, Warren Sapp (Gawd.) I can sort of understand the Asian nymphomaniac who has a trilling orgasm when Emmett Smith completes a waltz without crushing the sternum of his lightly clad opponentpartner. But the flaming Italian who leaps erect from his seat in ecstasy after a performance that would go unnoticed at a senior ballroom dance competition in North Wildwood is beyond me. As is the imitation Noel Coward fella who pretends he cares about "posture" while he subtracts points for the existence of contestant breasts and somehow sees grace in the leaden feet of fat old ex-jocks with permanently broken knees.
Be that as it may. This year the shark has definitely been jumped. Not only is there the inevitable NFL entrant in the competition, but he's being allowed to compete twice each show. Hines Ward and Wendy Williams are the same person. One bald and thick and big. The other wigged and painted and boobed to the max -- and thick and big. Same damn guy. Check it out for yourself in the results show tonight. It's not right. I'm just saying. Is this erotic wish fulfillment for the maniacal Italian guy and the weird Noel Coward clone, or is it game-fixing 1950s style? You be the judge.
P.S. There are two interesting subplots in the show. Kirstie Alley moves really good for a sweathog, or did until she broke her partner in half in last night's competition. She's the pity candidate. And Ralph Macchio has somehow emerged out of celebrity limbo in his quest to regain notoriety. Which plan was publicized on the Internet some time ago.
Good luck with that, whitebread. (Second pity candidate: White male..) Still. We remember him for something other than the Karate Kid. Anybody else recall a movie called Crossroads that featured Macchio air-guitaring the riffs of the great Ry Cooder?
We do. God bless Ry Cooder. If only he could be there while Ralph tries to dance. Not that it would help him against the massive double-dip threat of Hines (Wendy) Ward (Williams)....
