Monday, November 01, 2004
Confused? Okay, let us assume that you have somehow arrived at November 1, 2004 and you are not sure who you are going to vote for -- not really possible for us here to imagine, but we're told you exist. What to do?
We thought we'd do a little research from our past work here and let you in on all the sweat and tears that is InstaPunk so you can make up your mind. We're just going to ignore Ralph Nader, since it seems most everyone else is going to do the same.
Senator Kerry Is a Coward
If you are a fetus, you're in luck. Both candidates seem to think you are something or other -- like, Sen. Kerry says he believes life begins at conception which would mean when you exist, so you're alive, unfortunately, for you, he won't lift a finger to help you. President Bush on the other hand, seems to think that you are alive and that you should not be killed if you get really close to getting away from your mother -- what legislators call, "partial birth abortions," but what doctors act like they've never heard of . . . President Bush is against these. Sen. Kerry is for them. So, as a fetus, or former fetus, you would have to go with President Bush. Unless you are a self-hating fetus, then you would go for Sen. Kerry. RFLaird did a thoughtful essay on the topic and the Chain Gang put up a nonsensical entry with moral flowcharts that seemed to suggest that neither candidate would be helping out many fetuses.
Context -- the election this year is in a kind of context that most voters haven't seen before, an election during a war. One campaign was full of people that hate the war and the people that fight it and the other campaign is full of people that love the war and the people that fight it. So, Undecided Voter, it is your choice here too: if you love the war, you just have to vote for President Bush, but if you hate the war, then Sen. Kerry's your man. Remember, Sen. Kerry says that he will fight the terrorists as seriously and relentlessly as he did the North Vietnamese -- which probably didn't come out just the way he wanted it to -- so the key here for the undecided voter is who will be hanging around the two pro-war candidates should they win. Restated then, if you want to hang out with people that love the war -- President Bush. People that hate the war? -- Sen. Kerry.
In keeping with this type of analysis -- see the discussion regarding Rush Limbaugh and Michael Moore.
Similarly, there is the star-power approach. You like the way someone sings or the way someone acts, so you vote the way they vote. It is the most logical approach ever. You know, George Clooney -- great fake doctor -- how is he voting? Well, InstaPunk helped all people that make decisions like this with little pieces that told us more about the celebrities as they spoke out -- Linda Ronstadt, Whoopi Goldberg, Bonnie Raitt, and -- man, we thought this guy was dead -- Bruce Springsteen. So, if you love these and many, many more rock stars, actors and actresses, you have got to go for Sen. Kerry -- they all love him. If you think that these types of people might not make the best choices in life, then you might want to go with President Bush.
Finally, to push you to one side or the other you have got to look at the candidates wives. You've seen what it is like to have Laura Bush in the White House and you'll just have to imagine what it will be like to have Theresa the Billionaire in there. We've done what we could to help you imagine it. There couldn't be a bigger difference between the candidates.
So, Undecided Voter, there you go. It couldn't seem clearer to us. It has been nice having the country run by responsible adults for the past four years. Remember, all the nit-wits that will come with a Kerry Administration. But, if you want inexperienced and incapable folks running entire sections of the federal government just because they are the right color, sex, or other demographically determined attribute -- then Sen. Kerry is your man. This year, the choice couldn't be clearer. Unless, you don't know what you think about any of the things we've talked about today. If that's the case, just stay home. Tune in here on Wednesday and we'll let you know what happened.