Wednesday, August 03, 2011


ANGLICANS 'R' US. SADLY An odd day. Bracketed by thoughts of death and the afterlife.

I'm saddened by the fact that BalowStar no longer returns my calls. I'm pretty sure he didn't like this.

Ah well. I was never a conventional Christian. I came to it earlier than most. (Sorry, Brizoni.) (Sorry, Rob.)

Before either of you were born I was grappling with the problem of Judas. As early as the age of twelve. I couldn't figure it out. Without the betrayal, there is no crucifixion, no fulfillment of prophecy. Yet Jesus is God and Judas is man. Who is making the sacrifice here?

And so I have spent my whole life grappling with Christianity. Along the way, friends have found their own answers and turned away from me. Because they are righteous and I am somehow not. So be it.

But here's the truth of it. I may not have known whether I believed or not, but I have always had a vision of the Christ. I used to think he looked at me uniquely -- because I was young and full of myself. Now I know that all he was ever doing was giving me my own time and way to find him. Because he knew I was trying, looking, groping my way toward him.

I was cursed not with faith but intellect. This can't be so. He can't be so. Except there's no other explanation. If he didn't rise from the dead, there's no accounting for the the ascendancy of Christianity and its conquest of the world.

Stalemate. I believe, I don't believe. And yet there's no way Christianity exists at all if God didn't play his hand and change the world. Checkmate. History doesn't permit of any other interpretation. Christianity was the first and only religion Rome had to stamp out. When they couldn't, they finally embraced it.

Why I've written everything I've ever written. I've overcome the Judas problem. Christ was a quantum superposition. That this doesn't yet make me a Catholic is presumably a problem. Again. Sorry.

So today I began at six am with an on-demand viewing of the "40 Days" documentary done by the History Channel.

Meaning, what was Jesus doing in the six weeks between the resurrection and the ascension? It's a mystery. Catholics insist he was physically resurrected. The New Testament seems to indicate he was an altered, ephemeral being who could move through walls and vanish at a moment's notice. Which I can believe. But Catholics I know insist that we will all be revived, solid flesh, just as we were before. Like righteous zombies. Not buying it.

Then, sixteen hours later, I watched Bill Woodruff talk to people like himself who left their bodies and saw the afterlife, including some complacent atheists. Except you could see he wasn't buying their stories. He'd seen the divine. And he still wanted to get back to it.

In between -- from 7:30 am to 11:30 pm -- I saw the customary heartache of people fearing and avoiding death. (Yeah. Several soulless Obama speeches in there, courtesy of FNC.) The usual human condition.

You know what? I believe. Without the resurrection, there is no Christianity. And without quantum physics, there is no out-of-body mind experience. Deal with it.

Doesn't mean I have to be Roman Catholic. It just means I'm a Christian. And I think He knows I'm doing my best at that. In my poor, frail, pitiful way.

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