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Monday, September 26, 2011
NO NEED TO THINK, RIGHT? So they announced the results of the oh-so predictive Florida Straw Poll and discussed them on Fox News Sunday. To be fair, there were some big surprises:
Winnie the Pooh 37.11%
Yosemite Sam 15.43%
Goofy 14.00%
Daffy Duck 10.88%
Eeyore 10.39%
Droopy 8.43%
Pluto 2.26%
Minnie
Mouse 1.5%
Britt and A.B. and Bill and Juan were all inclined to agree that
nobody was really voting for Winnie the Pooh. They were sending a
message. Pooh was offering a simple honeypot called
9-9-9, as
compared to sterling
capitalist and technologist Goofy's 59-point (!) jobs plan. Which
was too
complicated for Florida Hoverounders
(Free! Count me
out) and besides
Pooh has a "Winn-ing" personality, compared to Goofy's "what the hell
is he, really?" identity. (I mean, if Pluto's a dog, what is Goofy?")
They all seemed concerned about the Mormon thing, and the
conservative-liberal flip-flop thing, and what the hell is a
front-runner if he's always losing in the polls?
They did concede that Pooh had completely outclassed incorruptible
immigration hardliner Yosemite Sam
in the last debate, but they seemed to agree that wasn't because Pooh
is smart or a legitimate candidate (I mean, really? Pooh? Pooh.) but that Sam
has developed a tendency to fire off all his ammunition in the first
ten minutes, then drop into a siesta for the next hour and a half.
Correctable? They didn't know.
They soberly reminded
viewers that at this same stage of the 2008 campaign, the polls had
Mayor
Elmer Fudd and
TV star Foghorn
Leghorn way out in front of Wile
E. Coyote, who
was then dead in the water with no more credit at Acme and no prospects, yet went on
to gloriously win the nomination and fall off his customary cliff,
screaming all the way down...
Nobody could have seen it coming....
Somebody, maybe Bill Kristol, did point out that Droopy wins,
almost invariably (via the unfair advantage of being 3 times smarter
than the rest of them), the
points he feels like contesting, but he's still Droopy and more than a few kibble
bowls overweight, so who cares?
Because Sam and Goofy are so far ahead in -- what? -- the current
polls. Sigh.
[Frankly, I'm curious that
nobody else was curious how Eeyore's followers failed to stuff this
particular ballot box the way they have stuffed every other straw poll
ballot box at every conservative conference and gathering for the past
four years, but it's an idle curiosity when all
is said and done, and I guess I can't blame them for not wasting time
on a trivial mystery. Eeyore will never be president. If you've lost
your tail, it seems like an especially egregious form of carelessness.]
Led (inevitably) by Chris Wallace, the panel was prepared to spend some time
writing the political epitaph of the flake Minnie Mouse,
who came in dead last
despite her polka-dot bows and startlingly yellow shoes. Something about
her being a tea party cartoon too scripted and polka-dotted to take
seriously. (The term mental retardation was mentioned.) Like all women, we're to infer,
except the acceptably unappetizing A.B. on the Fox News Sunday panel, whose sole implementation of yellow is the hair dye that starts an inch above her black roots. Of course, this
might have been a warning shot across the bow of Betty
Boop, who
continues to lurk above the fray without pointing her hypnotic boops in any
particular direction. All of them are afraid she could
still boop-boop-a-doop
her way into a catastrophic Republican snafu.
The
appalling, unthinkable, Republican nightmare.
(The impatient can skip to 1:10 in,, right to the vile.
disgusting, rightwing whoring Sullivan hates in her.)
Well, Juan Williams wouldn't mind. But his private and mostly
concealed
smile of satisfaction could not compete with Bill Kristol's Cheshire
cat grin. He's convinced that the Winnie the Pooh vote is a clarion
call to the one
personage who really could save
the day for Republicans and the Republic.
Raise your hands if you knew he was
from New Jersey.
