Monday, September 26, 2011

The Florida Straw Poll

NO NEED TO THINK, RIGHT? So they announced the results of the oh-so predictive Florida Straw Poll and discussed them on Fox News Sunday. To be fair, there were some big surprises:

Winnie the Pooh 37.11%

Yosemite Sam 15.43%

Goofy 14.00%

Daffy Duck 10.88%

Eeyore 10.39%

Droopy 8.43%

Pluto 2.26%

Minnie Mouse 1.5%

Britt and A.B. and Bill and Juan were all inclined to agree that nobody was really voting for Winnie the Pooh. They were sending a message. Pooh was offering a simple honeypot called 9-9-9, as compared to sterling capitalist and technologist Goofy's 59-point (!) jobs plan. Which was too complicated for Florida Hoverounders (Free! Count me out) and besides Pooh has a "Winn-ing" personality, compared to Goofy's "what the hell is he, really?" identity. (I mean, if Pluto's a dog, what is Goofy?") They all seemed concerned about the Mormon thing, and the conservative-liberal flip-flop thing, and what the hell is a front-runner if he's always losing in the polls?

They did concede that Pooh had completely outclassed incorruptible immigration hardliner Yosemite Sam in the last debate, but they seemed to agree that wasn't because Pooh is smart or a legitimate candidate (I mean, really? Pooh? Pooh.) but that Sam has developed a tendency to fire off all his ammunition in the first ten minutes, then drop into a siesta for the next hour and a half. Correctable? They didn't know.

They soberly reminded viewers that at this same stage of the 2008 campaign, the polls had Mayor Elmer Fudd and TV star Foghorn Leghorn way out in front of Wile E. Coyote, who was then dead in the water with no more credit at Acme and no prospects, yet went on to gloriously win the nomination and fall off his customary cliff, screaming all the way down...

Nobody could have seen it coming....

...although, paradoxically, nobody seemed interested in discussing Daffy, Eeyore, Pluto, or the two-faced Droopy, who sits on a couch with Cruella De Vil talking about saving the environment and then insists he's committed to defeating the (NSFW) Road Runner. They prefer to write them all off as also-rans without wasting much of their dazzlingly IQ-heavy analysis on remote possibilities. (Me? I'm liking Daffy Duck. Always did.).

Somebody, maybe Bill Kristol, did point out that Droopy wins, almost invariably (via the unfair advantage of being 3 times smarter than the rest of them), the points he feels like contesting, but he's still Droopy and more than a few kibble bowls overweight, so who cares? Because Sam and Goofy are so far ahead in -- what? -- the current polls. Sigh.

[Frankly, I'm curious that nobody else was curious how Eeyore's followers failed to stuff this particular ballot box the way they have stuffed every other straw poll ballot box at every conservative conference and gathering for the past four years, but it's an idle curiosity when all is said and done, and I guess I can't blame them for not wasting time on a trivial mystery. Eeyore will never be president. If you've lost your tail, it seems like an especially egregious form of carelessness.]

Led (inevitably) by Chris Wallace, the panel was prepared to spend some time writing the political epitaph of the flake Minnie Mouse, who came in dead last despite her polka-dot bows and startlingly yellow shoes. Something about her being a tea party cartoon too scripted and polka-dotted to take seriously. (The term mental retardation was mentioned.) Like all women, we're to infer, except the acceptably unappetizing A.B. on the Fox News Sunday panel, whose sole implementation of yellow is the hair dye that starts an inch above her black roots. Of course, this might have been a warning shot across the bow of Betty Boop, who continues to lurk above the fray without pointing her hypnotic boops in any particular direction. All of them are afraid she could still boop-boop-a-doop her way into a catastrophic Republican snafu.

The appalling, unthinkable, Republican nightmare.
(The impatient can skip to 1:10 in,, right to the vile.
disgusting, rightwing whoring Sullivan hates in her.)

Well, Juan Williams wouldn't mind. But his private and mostly concealed smile of satisfaction could not compete with Bill Kristol's Cheshire cat grin. He's convinced that the Winnie the Pooh vote is a clarion call to the one personage who really could save the day for Republicans and the Republic.

Raise your hands if you knew he was from New Jersey.

So. What's up, Doc? Well, we'll see. Won't we?

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