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Thursday, January 06, 2005
Where has InstaPunk
been?
The Deerhound Thing
The Deerhound Thing
Chain Gang and company have done an excellent job keeping InstaPunk lively over the past few months, but InstaPunk himself has been AWOL. An imaginative truant could think up plenty of excuses -- death in the family, moving to a new home, illness, the holidays -- but honesty compels a truthful accounting. The primary reason for the long absence is a six-month-old boy named Psmith. He's a thing called a Scottish Deerhound. Most people have never seen or heard of them, and those who have perpetuate the notion that they're a breed of dog, albeit an unusual one, of ancient lineage and imposing size, developed for the purpose of overtaking stag in the open field and wrestling them to ground with tree-like legs. Of course, those who actually live with deerhounds learn speedily that they are not dogs at all, but wraiths of Scottish lairds killed long long ago in the fruitless battle against the innumerable enemies of Scotland. You'll note that deerhounds exhibit no trace of redeye; the anomaly disclosed by color photography is an artifact of a human soul trapped in an animal body.
Greyhounds, despite being direct descendants of unicorns, are not immune to redeye.
So far, this sounds like a good thing: a seeming dog which houses a human soul. Problem is, the soul in question is a Scottish soul. This means there is little or no civilization involved. Every deerhound is born with an incomparable air of sorrow and entitlement denied. He should have been a Celtic lord, but he has been reduced to a state of exile. In recompense, he demands the best seat on the couch (i.e., the whole couch), an unending supply of foodstuffs fit for a Scot (including straight chairs, highboys, plant stands, tray tables, and far more unspeakable dishes akin to the worst of all ethnic foods, haggis), complete immunity from reproach, and constant deference. In short, a deerhound is pure punk, aggravated by a growth rate that zooms him to sixty pounds in six months and double that in a year.
What has InstaPunk been doing? Ushering a barbarian into his new incarnation. But he is back now. Thanks for waiting.
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