Thursday, February 10, 2005

You too can be an Indian... er... Native American!

Professor Sir Ward Churchill and his blood brother Sir Richard Kiel (which means "Churchill" in English and "nasty betrayer mouth full of iron teeth" in some Indian language.) Big Bro just failed at executing the imperialist pig James Bond before he could save the West for the umpteenth time, but Ward has chosen a quite different route -- fabricating history in print while experiencing a spectacular orgasm inspired by the death of 2000 American Wall Street Capitalist Jews who somehow escaped the completely unplanned Final Solution that would have enabled Palestinians to establish the Islamic Utopia of a plutocracy consisting of one billionaire and uncounted thousands of viciously holy and masochistic morons living in a land without law, mercy, or sustenance. Yippee-ai-kai-ay, Muhammo-thugger. Unless there's something about all this crap we don't understand. The Koran probably explains it. Right.

POOR BASTARD. We really love free speech here at InstaPunk, especially when it's being advocated by Native Americans, who -- as everyone knows -- were savaged by European invaders who unfairly genocidalized them before they could could kill each other off in organic tribal blood feuds and other rituals of cultural diversity practiced by the natural peoples of the time. The really good news about the Churchiill affair is that it has alerted so many to the possibility of discovering their native American roots. If Ward Churchill can carry the most powerful surname of the century, a prognathous jaw that mocks the subtle understatement of pre-Columbian mandibles, and a preening arrogance that would have embarrassed even Sitting Bull, then all the rest of us have hope of establishing connections with the pre-colonial innocents who have given civilization such a bad name in recent years.

We have it on good authority that hundreds of thousands of people who never before believed they had a chance at proving native ancestry are now -- thanks to Lord Churchill -- signing up with the native nations (many of which offer free T-shirts and discount coupons for the casinos that only purebloods can own, if you haven't been keeping up with the perks).

Just yesterday, we spoke with the chief of the Holo-Native-American Alliance, which processes genealogical claims on behalf of the millions of Americans who have repressed memories of Native American tribal affiliations. Chief Lowell Porcellian, IV, despite his membership in Yale's Skull & Bones, expresses a clear sense of mission about his position: "Every day we hear from people who have recently uncovered repressed memories of belonging in America's pre-European past.

"Our register of pre-Columbian tribal affiliations is growing by leaps and bounds. We now have members with clear recollections of links to the Navahoes, the Anapaches, the Seminoes, the Sac and Faux, the Nohawks, the Nohicans, and, of course, the Chernokee, whose current chief is Lord Churchill of the Ethnic Studies peoples of the mountains of Colorado."

Chief Porcellian can't suppress a grin. "You can't do much better than a title like that," he says. "It makes Republicans foam at the mouth."

We do manage to suppress a grin. Custer died, for sure. But America lived on. The Civil War proved that we aren't a tribe but an idea. The Anapache and the Sac & Faux may be slightly behind the curve on such points. Just a thought.

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