Thursday, April 21, 2005
Sentencing Guidelines: STAIRS!
We have now come to believe that this treatment should become part of the penal code and be administered in an overwhelming number of cases to offenders of all ages. It is important that this sentence be executed properly to have its full effect. Accordingly, a bald, muscular man should be chosen to impose the sentence. White pants, white T-shirt, black S.W.A.T. boots, and -- most importantly -- no hood; the recipient must be able to see his grin as he gently walks him to the head of the stairway.
The stairway should be long and unforgiving -- although shorter stairs with landings may be appropriate in some cases where multiple tosses may be viewed to have greater therapeutic value along with the sound of the S.W.A.T. boots coming slowly down the steps to the landing for the next treatment. In such cases, there should be no less than two landings and three stairways of at least fifteen steps.
The administrator then says to the offender in a kindly voice, "Come here, I want to tell you something," as he guides the offender to the head of the stairs; he then places his hand squarely between his shoulder blades, grins (extremely important) and gives a sudden, manly thrust. This thrust requires great skill. It must give the body the proper velocity so that any wild flinging of the arms in an attempt to halt the body's descent of the stairway will only result in a broken wrist or some other injury. The recipient must make it all the way down the stairway -- ass over tin cup, if you will.
A smaller administrator may find it necessary to use two hands. If this is the case, the administrator stands on the left hand side of the recipient, firmly grasps the belt of the recipient with the right hand, places the left hand firmly between the recipient's shoulder blades and then, with a swift lifting thrust propels the recipient down the steps. The left leg may be used to kick the legs of the recipient out from under him as he performs this motion if necessary.
If properly administered, the offender will have a new appreciation for life -- and walking down steps. His cares will be narrowed to those things essential to life and he will henceforth limit his whining and complaining to things worthy of such attention. In many cases, whining will be eliminated entirely.
You may feel free to try this with your children or grandchildren especially if they have been ordered to seek counseling or have been given a prescription for psychotropic medications. You will thank us and so will your kids.