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Friday, April 22, 2005
A certain German archbishop at a recent private party.
SCOOP. Initially, we were a bit skeptical about all the mainstream media interest in the new pope's Nazi connections. Weren't these the same networks and newspapers who continually held up France and Germany as the models of moral foreign and social policy during the run-up and aftermath to the Iraq war? Why weren't they interested then in the possibility that eminent German decisionmakers might still be tainted by the fact that at one time they had to accommodate the Nazis or be killed by them? And hasn't it been the big media position for years now that accommodation is exactly the right policy for dealing with a murderous dictatorship?
That's why we concluded that the whole story was really nothing but a way to tar the image of a man who didn't reflect the kind of secular liberalism smart people are wise enough to want for the Roman Catholic Church. The way they've got it worked out, it's nothing but pure dumb luck that the Church has survived for almost 2,000 years without their help. If they're a bit frantic and underhanded about how they try to provide their assistance, the day-to-day maneuvers may appear a bit sordid, but at least one can appreciate their sense of urgency. They might, after all, be sincere in their motives if not honest in their tactics.
So we held back for a while... until we remembered that we are journalists, and it is our abiding mission to get at the truth, whatever it is. And being journalists, it came naturally to us to start connecting the dots. Was it a coincidence that two of the greatest journalists of all time, Dan Rather and Mary Mapes, had recently dropped out of sight ? Why would CBS have abandoned them for such slight cause? Most importantly, what were they doing right now?
After a quick check of prevailing journalistic ethics, we leaped into action, hunted down the secret Texas office where Dan and Mary had gone to ground, and invited ourselves in with the help of a cordless drill. In a file labeled "60 Minutes Super-Special: Nazi Ratzi," we found the photograph above, as well as the following incredibly damning images:
Joseph Ratzinger smiling with a pair of Wehrmacht pals
Joseph Ratzinger participating in a corrupt business
deal with a war profiteer and a Wehrmacht officer.
We were so shocked by this discovery that we almost didn't hear Dan and Mary returning to the office, laughing and giving each other high-fives. We grabbed what we could and ran, which means that we still don't have some of their no-doubt conclusive authenticating documents. Still, we did what research we could. Through lab tests and asking around, we were able to determine that the signature is a typically German blue, of a garishness not found in other civilized European countries. Moreover, the dimensions of the coffee ring correspond exactly to the size mug that might have been used by a gruppenfuehrer of the period. Thus, we are compelled to admit that the CBS undercover team has in all probability got the goods on the new pope.
We are saddened, but the news is the news, and it's our job to bring it to you.
12:06 p.m.
UPDATE. It has been brought to our attention that various “bloggers” in the “blogosphere” are disputing, in the Comments section, the authenticity of the Ratzinger letter which XOFF News, in accordance with the highest journalistic standards, stole from Dan Rather and published at InstaPunk.
We have reviewed the sundry charges and discussed them with our
document examiner Fred, who says they’re all “hooey.” We therefore
stand by our reporting on this, because we didn’t even need the letter
in the first place: a picture is still worth a thousand words, which
means we have at least 4,000 words worth of good evidence against maybe
100 words of not-quite-completely-perfect evidence. Besides, just look at him. You
can see he’s a Nazi. Of
course, we will continue to monitor the story, and if anyone can prove
beyond the tiniest shadow of a doubt that we’ve committed fraud or
something, we’ll consider an ambiguously worded partial retraction at
that time. Until then, we remain supremely confident that all this
ruckus is little more than a conspiracy by shady political operatives to
damage our credibility.
P.S. They did so have a superscript “th” on German typewriters in the
1940s. The Germans have always been good at all that scientific and
mechanical stuff. Ask anyone.
