Tuesday, May 10, 2005
Network Battle of the Presidents
ABC's President Geena Davis and NBC's President Jimmy Smits
TRANS-FER OF POWER. It turns out that Drudge got only half the story when he ballyhooed the new ABC series Commander-in-Chief, starring Geena Davis as the President of the United States. The other shoe dropped Monday, when producers of NBC's The West Wing announced they would respond to ABC's incursion on their presidential turf by employing the "Nuclear Option." What might that be? At season's end, The West Wing left us with Republican Alan Alda (Sure.) running for the White House against Democrat Jimmy Smits. But during the summer hiatus in the campaign, Smits will undergo a sex change operation that will turn him into Jennifer Lopez, thus making him/her the only Hispanic transgender person to win election to the highest office in the land.
West Wing's Supervising Producer Alexa Junge said, "There just isn't any way that ABC is going to outglam us in the White House. We've been in office for two terms, and we know a thing or two about how to whip up voter, er, viewer interest. Fans know we've been paving the way for women in politics for a long time now. Our crack political consultants believe we've made enough progress in this regard that the country is ready for a transgender president of color, which is just about the only way we're ever going to solve the gay marriage problem, provide national healthcare for all our kids and AIDS sufferers, repeal the disgusting tax cuts for rich white men, and legalize the millions of undocumented workers in Beverly Hills. You know, all the stuff that Americans really want but are too stupid to ask for from a white male politician."
An unnamed ABC producerette was quick to respond to the rival network's offensive, saying, "Apparently, NBC doesn't know there's a War on Terror going on out there. We do. That's why our show is called Commander-in-Chief. And we believe Geena is the perfect leader for the global crisis we now face. No one who has seen Thelma and Louise or The Long Kiss Goodnight can doubt that she's plenty tough, if it comes to that, but the chances are that only a real woman can sit down with bin Laden and Zarqawi at the U.N. and work out a cooperative framework for resolving everyone's issues without further bloodshed. Frankly, we don't think hormone injections are going to give Jimmy Smits the kind of sensitivity, understanding, and tolerance that's required. But good luck to him. I mean her. Whatever."
Junge replied tersely: "We'll see who the better woman is in the November Sweeps."
Should be exciting.