Tuesday, May 17, 2005
You heard it here first.
One of these magazines is going to be in the news again soon.
DECISIONS, DECISIONS. I don't know why, but I've always had a hard time telling these two magazines apart. Even back in 2000, when they were still sort of in the news business, I tended to get them confused. That's why the Year 2000 Who's Who in Shuteye Nation didn't do the best possible job of identifying their star performers, as the following excerpt demonstrates:
Jonathan Auger. See Howard Findmore.
Howard Findmore. See Michael Iznotizhe.
Michael Iznotizhe. The hotshot political° journalist° in spectacles who dug through every White House trashcan looking for salacious details of the Lewiski Scandal° while soberly reporting the Hillery charge of a right wing conspiracy°, the Carvall charge of a runaway independent counsel° indulging his private° sexual fantasies at public expense, and the Divots/Boogaloo charge of a partisan° Republian° “coup” designed to repeal the vote of the Amerian people. And acting faintly superior to the whole circus at the same time. Cool°.
Thay's why I can't tell for sure if these guys are still on the job. I really hope they are, though, because I've got a great story they can use, and so I sent emails to all three of them last night:
Dear Jonathan or Howard or Michael,
Yesterday, my cleaning lady (who has never stolen from me once) told me that her brother is the gardener for the man who hired the guy who delivers booze, snacks, and miscellaneous packages to the secret location where Dick Cheney hangs out waiting for his turn in the Oval Office. Last week, the gardener told my cleaning lady's brother that he overheard the driver tell his boss that once a week Cheney gets a fresh prisoner delivered to him from Guantanamo (disguised as one of the regular boxes of cash from Halliburton) so that the Veep can while away the hours humiliating him. Sometimes he makes the prisoner dress up in women's lingerie. Other times, he forces him to play solitaire and makes fun of how he shuffles the cards, you know, getting off all kinds of cutting remarks and such. And once he invited George Bush over for dinner, and the two of them took turns giving him wedgies and shaking his hand with some kind of buzzer thing. Then they hit him on the behind with fraternity paddles that said "I hate Osama" on them.
How soon do you think you can get this story into print? My cleaning lady's brother is willing to remember everything the gardener told him on tape, as well as anything else that would make it a hotter story. He even thinks he could remember something about Lynn Cheney and Laura Bush. Please answer me back because otherwise I'll have to go to 60 Minutes II before they get cancelled and see if Dan Rather is interested. And you know what that means.
P.S. I even worked up covers for your magazines, which you can use if you pay me a small honorarium -- not for the story, of course, but for the artwork. Let me know.
I don't know about you guys, but I can't wait to see the story in print. Dick and George are really going to squirm this time, and maybe Michael and Howard and Jonathan will get another Pulitzer Prize. Or if not a Pulitzer, maybe a big wet kiss from Al Jazeera. That would please them no end, wouldn't it?
I thought so too.
UPDATE III: We're suckers for being called "smart, funny, and clever," which we were by the folks at Stand in the Trenches. Stand in the Trenches visitors are also encouraged to take a look around this place.