Tuesday, June 14, 2005
A new look for the King of Pop.
AN XOFF NEWS 'XCLUSIVE'. Reliable unnamed sources have informed InstaPunk's XOFF News Team that one week from today, Matt Drudge will be breaking the most shocking story yet about the final days of the Jackson trial:
The Drudge Report has just learned that in the frantic final days of jury deliberation, the Jackson camp was so alarmed about the prospect of a guilty verdict that the decision was taken to prepare the troubled singer for a term in prison. The strategy? Another round of plastic surgery, the most extensive yet undertaken by the former King of Pop.
The much publicized trips to the hospital in the week prior to the verdict were an elaborate deception, during which Michael Jackson was actually admitted to the hospital for surgery to give him the likeness of the late Charles "Sonny" Liston. A Jackson spokesman said privately that the intention was to enable the singer to survive the physical confrontations of life in a penitentiary.
The spokesman said, "Let's face it. A face that could scare the then Cassius Clay could probably still scare the most dangerous brutes in the joint. At least, that was the hope."
The person who returned from the hospital to Neverland and subsequently attended the reading of the verdict was an impostor, reportedly a young Greek woman who bears an uncanny resemblance to Jackson despite being 25 pounds thinner. Her silence before and after the reading of the verdict was necessary to conceal the fact that her voice is considerably lower than Jackson's.
In an ironic turn, the surgery was completed just prior to the delivery of the verdict, and the Jackson spokesman cited above says that the full head and body makeover will now be spun as a measure to prevent small boys from being so overwhelmingly attracted to the singer in future.
"I've seen him since they took the bandages off," said the spokesperson, "and believe me, he'll scare the pants off little kids from now on. Well, maybe I didn't word that exactly right, but you know what I mean..."
No word yet on how Michael Jackson feels about the result of what in retrospect was unnecessary surgery, but in the days since the end of the trial he has already begun work on a new album, tentatively titled "Git Down with the Godfather of Pop," from which we've been able to acquire the following brief clip: CLICK HERE
The XOFF News Team will continue to beg, borrow, and steal whatever we can from the Drudge Report, in accordance with the highest standards of journalism, as always, to keep our audience up to date on the vilest gossip we can pass off as news. Stay tuned.