Friday, July 01, 2005
Drudge to announce
Jessica Simpson as
Supreme Court nominee
Precedent: the creation of a "celebrity seat" on the Supreme Court.
THE HOLLYWOOD SEAT. InstaPunk's XOFF News Team has learned that the Drudge Report will break InstaPunk's XOFF News Team has learned that the Drudge Report will break this story sometime tomorrow:
According to unnamed White House sources, the administration is responding to the increasing importance of celebrities in the national life. "It's time to recognize that famous people are a new and growing segment of the populace and should be represented -- like women and minorities -- in the makeup of the court," said a Bush administration spokesperson.
"We believe Jessica will play a valuable role on the court based on her experience as a singer, actress, TV star, and veteran of the new "reality" shows that are making average Americans into celebrities on a daily basis.
"Celebrities of all kinds have special needs that should be voiced in the considerations of the Supreme Court."
Inside the Beltway, politicians are already reacting predictably.
Senator Orrin Hatch is privately hailing the move as a "master stroke that finally recognizes the unique needs of a growing and crucially vital minority."
Democrats, meanwhile, are expressing outrage at the nomination. Senator Edward Kennedy said of the Simpson nomination, "It's a disgrace to the nation. We in the Democratic Party have called for a celebrity seat on the court for years, but it's a betrayal for this president to nominate a candidate of such mediocre qualifications. What is needed is a celebrity jurist of the caliber of Susan Sarandon, who has played an attorney at least once and has been politically active in progressive causes for years. She is smarter, more mature, and has much larger breasts than the president's woefully lacklustre choice. I am dimayed."
Senator John Kerry was equally wroth. "I simply can't believe that this president, at this stage in world affairs, when the country is mired in yet another Vietnam, would not nominate a candidate possessed of greater gravitas and zeitgeist, such as Madonna, who has gained the vitally necessary experience in European sensibilities and innovations that are needed to erase the gap between Republicans and Democrats in America," he said. "Instead, this president has seen fit to put forward a wealthy young naif of negligible breastage who cannot speak French, German, or Belgian. How can she possibly contribute meaningfully to the deliberations of the U.S. Supreme Court?"
In anticipation of the approval fight to come, units of the Maryland National Guard began surrounding the Capitol building this evening with 8800 tons of sandbags.
We'll keep you informed as more details emerge.