Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Hooray for CSIs

Yes, the CD we've all been waiting for is on sale now.

UNTOUCHABLE. The best thing about fall is that the new prime time season begins on network TV, which means we can finally get some relief from the disturbing news images of violence in Iraq and drowned and murdered people in New Orleans. This week should be one of the greatest in the whole history of television because not only can we feast on the returning entrails of CSI, CSI Miami, CSI New York, and NCIS, but we can also plunge our hands wrist deep into the brand new gore of shows like Bones, Killer Instinct, and (for all we know) CSI Alamagordo, CSI Bangor, and CSI Cleveland.

There's talk that the reality show craze is fading and that the up-and-coming genre is science fiction, but when the dust settles it's our bet that the forensic procedurals will still be the bedrock on which network ratings stand or fall. When you think about it, what could ever be better than the blue late-night light of a morgue and the fascinating interactions of the Cast* with their laboratory equipment? Those fibers! That blood spatter! Bug larvae! Pollen grains! Partial fingerprints lifted from used Kleenex! Security cameras that catch the action in 1024x768 screen resolution! Desktop forensic computers with more graphic FX than Grand Theft Auto and more processing power than a Cray supercomputer! Twenty minute DNA tests! Luminol glowing on the seats of dissected SUVs! Severed body parts! Y-incisions on large-breasted dead women so nude you could see EVERYTHING if that damned old fart of a medical examiner would just move a hair to the left! And always ALWAYS a constant stream of new dead bodies shot, poisoned, burned, strangled, beaten, mangled, violated, disembowelled, crushed, melted, and turned inside out for our viewing pleasure.

*You know, the unsmiling middle-aged white boss, his beautiful, brilliant, busty girl(s) Friday, and all their tall, short, thin, young, gorgeous, spiky haired, and occasionally ethnic technical weenies, not to mention the the dumb-as-rocks detective and the world weary old medical examiner with a half-empty whiskey bottle in his autopsy cart.

That's why we figure it's about time to make some money from our own favorite part of the CSI circus -- the riveting segments when the key pieces of evidence are analyzed in the lab against the driving beat of some nameless track of electronic Muzak. We've done what nobody else has dared to; we've compiled the very best of forensic lab music into a fabulous CD called The Very Best of Forensic Lab Music. Now you can enjoy the shows even when they're not on (a remote eventuality, we admit, owing to the round-the-clock CSI schedule of Spike TV, but hey, we're just trying to turn a buck here). Just fire up the CD, kick back, close your eyes, and imagine your own glorious kaleidoscope of guts, tweezers, fingernail scrapings, semen stains, post-mortem bruises, corpse eyes, churning computers, and lab coats tailored like bustiers.

All you have to do is send us $19.95 (plus $8.95 for  shipping & handling), and we'll send you The Very Best of Forensic Lab Music. In fact, if you order right now, we'll sweeten the deal with two half-sized copies of the CD and a three-month supply of genuine white plastic forensic gloves.

Our guarantee: You won't experience a single moment of nausea induced by footage from the sickening war in Iraq or the needless carnage in Louisiana for THREE FULL MONTHS or your money back (except S&H fees, natch). How's that for a deal?

We thought so too.

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