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Monday, September 26, 2005

Welcome to the Post-Apocalypse

Everything has been destroyed, and all that's left is hopeless waiting.

THE WAY OF THE YANKS. Yes, the end of the world is finally here. All the mass media are up to their ankles in watery goo and indignation about the Bush administration's failure to prevent two successive natural disasters. What do we have to look forward to now that the Day of Judgment has arrived? Terrible terrible things. Higher gas prices. More dumb celebrity telethons. More speeches by Al Gore and John Kerry. A great deal more idiocy from Jesse Jackson and Louis Ferrakhan. More volatility in the stock market. More federal giveaway programs. All kinds of stuff too awful to contemplate. Hard to think that only a couple of weeks ago there was a future to plan for, and ordinary citizens could imagine a life that wasn't completely full of FEMA-induced misery and Republican-style hopelessness. Fortunately, we have an idea about how to fix everything.

But first we have to comment on a couple of more important matters. We believe -- very very strongly -- that Martha Stewart should sue Cybill Shepherd. Martha looks good at 190 pounds:



Cybill Shepherd looks like this:



Only not that attractive. (It's impossible to airbrush every frame of a TV movie.) Cybill was okay when she was a young bad actress. Now that she's an old bad actress, she just doesn't have the features or the bone structure or something to get away with pretending that she's the smartest ex-model who ever lived. Sorry. When the end of the world has come, we don't need to be made even more depressed by a television hatchet job starring a hatchet-faced old porker who'd do absolutely anything for 90 more minutes in front of a camera.

What else? Barry Bonds has publicly criticized the federal govenment's response to Hurricane Katrina. Maybe we should repeat that. Barry Bonds has publicly criticized the federal govenment's response to Hurricane Katrina. Let's see. You're a disgraced liar at the end of a tarnished sports career, struggling to hit a few legitimate homeruns in order to break a record you don't deserve to hold, and when you finally open your mouth in public after months of pouting silence, what do you choose to speak about? You criticize the federal govenment's response to Hurricane Katrina. Wow. Wow. WOW. Does anybody else think that now that we've reached the end of the world, it might be just the right time to gather up all the spoiled, overpaid bigmouth athletes in the country and throw them off a cliff?

Actually, that brings us back to our scheme for fixing the terrible situation that has utterly destroyed the United States of America so that everything is underwater now and there's no more gas and all the poor black people are starving to death in the Astrodome. It's obvious this whole Christian thing is over. That man Bush is a Christian and he can't do anything that isn't wrong or evil or stupid or harmful. It's time we went back to the kind of religion they had before all the evil white European Christians arrived with their guns and hurricanes and things. The Aztecs and the Mayans would have known what to do if their world were being destroyed by high winds and some rain. They would have sacrificed some people to their pagan gods. Like so:



Of course, if things are really going badly, just throwing them into a well isn't good enough. What you need then is an altar and a priest with a sharp knife who cuts the heart out of them still beating and offers it up to the gods. An altar like this one:



Now we're talking. But who should we sacrifice? No, no, not Bush. The whole idea of a sacrifice is that you give up something or someone or a bunch of someones that are good and fine and just the sort of people the gods would want to hang around with. For example, maybe they'd like a slew of godlike athletes who stopped taking steroids last week because they were so outraged about the government's conspiracy to kill poor people in New Orleans. Maybe they'd like some of the godlike celebrities who starred in this event, or this one.

We do have some specific people in mind, but we're not going to tell you who they are except to say that some of their names begin with Madonna, Britney, Barbra, Jennifer, Whoopi, Bette, Gwyneth, Tim & Susan, the Dixie Chicks, Kanye, Sean, Celine, and things like that. We need to gather a huge crowd of them together and line them up in front of one of those wise old shamanlike Mayan priests with a giant razor sharp knife. It wouldn't hurt to throw in a few of our finer, nobler politicians too -- you know, the ones who just couldn't be any happier that the Bush administration got caught starting hurricanes with its global warming policies. We're not going to suggest any of their names either, because we want everyone to submit nominations of celebrities and politicians they consider too good to live in the sickening mess here at the end of the world. We're going to need a lot of names, because the gods aren't going to put things back the way they were a few weeks ago without a shitload of bloody sacrifices. That's what we've learned from all the incredibly sagacious earth religions. So tell us who all we need to start rounding up. Celebrities. And politicians. And especially politicians. Who we're not going to give you any hints about. At all.



P.S. We have another idea too. It's been so completely desperate and nasty in this country for the past few weeks that we think everyone in the country should get a check from the government for this amount:



Obviously, it wouldn't fix everything like our other plan would, but at least we'd all be able to afford a couple of gallons of gas so we could go to the big sacrifice. What do you think?







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