Thursday, October 06, 2005

SCOTUS Smackdown!

It's time to get it on.

FIGHTING THE GOOD FIGHT. Do you remember when we set up the cage match between Ann Coulter and Keith Olbermann to settle the question of who was the craziest mass media personality ever to graduate from Cornell University? You don't? Well, that's because we never posted the entry. We withheld it for fairness reasons. Either it made Keith Olbermann look like too much of a smacked ass, or it may have been construed as insulting to Cornell. One of those two. We can't remember which. But we always liked the graphic of Ann Coulter dressed to kill in the ring, waiting for an opponent to annihilate. We thought of it again yesterday when Chain Gang sent us an audio clip of Ann on some talk radio show. She's mad about the Harriet Miers thing. Really really mad. She suggested that conservatives who want to do something could organize a committee to impeach George Bush. You can listen to her argument by clicking on the audio button above..

That -- and a bunch of other screamings and shoutings from the right-hand side of the fence -- got us to wondering about what it is exactly the conservatives want. Yes, we know they want a judicial nominee who went to Harvard with all the justices they hate so much, but there's more to it than that. They want a fight. They want some Republican to stand up to the Harvard idiots in the U.S. Senate and explain to them why their self-satisfied liberalism is killing the country. They want it so much they don't care if the Republican senators from Maine and Rhode Island jump to the other side of the aisle in protest. They don't even care if their heroic nominee fails to be confimed by the Senate. They'd much rather have blood.

Well, we have an idea that might help. A tag-team match between the conservatives and the liberals. Put it on TV. Hire that announcer who bellows the names so annoyingly. Get it on in the Octagon of the UFC. Like so:

If you're with us so far, here are the teams we propose. For the liberals, Teddy Kennedy (Harvard), Chuck Schumer (Harvard), and Joe Biden (Univeristy of Delaware). For the conservatives, Ann Coulter (Cornell), Michelle Malkin (Oberlin), and Peggy Noonan (Fairleigh Dickinson).

We were going to go with Laura Ingraham (Dartmouth) in the number three slot, but then Ms. Noonan published this amazing paragraph today:

(T)he Miers pick was another administration misstep. The president misread the field, the players, their mood and attitude. He called the play, they looked up from the huddle and balked. And debated. And dissed. Momentum was lost. The quarterback looked foolish.

The quarterback always looks foolish when he blows the pickoff attempt and all the runners advance a base. Good call by Ms. Noonan. It's obvious she's as much a master of sports metaphors as she is of, uh, you know. So we'll keep Laura in reserve in case one of our combatants gets accidentally sat on by Teddy.

Of course, the liberals may be too gutless to accept the challenge, because who wouldn't be scared to enter the ring against such formidable opposition? It won't be a pretty sight. Hair pulling, metaphors flying hither and yon, and a hail of epithets that would crush the average senatorial SUV. But that's life in the Big Leagues, where it's far more important to ridicule the enemy than to actually win anything.

One word of warning, though. Teddy is obviously in training for a nasty brawl. Here's a spy photo we snapped just the other day:

Very important not to get sat on by this man. Laura better be ready to come in off the bench and swing the big lumber for a touchdown. If you know what we mean.

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