Thursday, January 19, 2006
The Short List
XOFF NEWS. Reuters is reporting that the new president of CBS News has changed course from the direction plotted by CBS Corp. President Les Moonves in 2005.
Moonves last year
suggested that CBS News might benefit by
moving away from the traditional newscast presentations with a solo
delivering the news as if he or she were "the voice of God."
Since assuming his new position, though, Sean
McManus has decided that the CBS audience really does want "the voice
"I think having one
person as your primary anchor is
the way to go," McManus said. He confirmed that the new anchor would
from outside of the existing CBS News stable and that he and CBS Corp.
Leslie Moonves are eyeing a "relatively" short list of candidates.
Makes sense. There can't be a long list of people with the
credibility and authority to be as godlike as Walter Cronkite. You're
looking for a particular kind of attitude, charisma, and world view
that are darned hard to find. Everyone knows that Katie Couric is on
the list, but hardly anyone knows what we've been able to learn -- the
names of the other candidates for the CBS Throne of God. Here they are:
If it's okay for God to be a complete blithering
idiot, Keith would be a good choice. We'd bet a month's pay that this
schmuck still believes Dan Rather's forged documents were authentic.
She's the star of NPR's most popular interview
program (dozens and dozens of people listen to it), and she sounds the
way God would sound if He were a skinny woman with glasses and a lot of
weird ideas. At least everyone would know that CBS wasn't trying to
pull off a Peter Jennings imitation, like NBC did with Brian Williams.
People would get used to her in time. Sort of.
Don't laugh. He's got that CBS News voice --
pompous, gravelly, and ponderous. He went to Harvard, you know, and his
politics are right on the money. God is probably a stretch for him, but
he is an actor; he might be able to get away with it. Look how long
it's taken everybody to figure out that Walter Cronkite has the IQ of a
With Air America going down in flames, this chick
is going to need a job. She's probably only on the list because she's a
female broadcaster who's also a certified Communist, but we think it
would be a good idea to put her behind the big desk. We haven't watched
CBS News for 40 years, so it's a good way to get her out of circulation.
Is there really that big a difference between
being God and thinking you're God? Oh. Well, she's already famous and
she likes to talk about politics. No? Okay.
Now that he's not dead again, he's the perfect
choice. He hates George Bush (almost) as much as all the others, and
he's been working on the "voice of God" thing for most of his adult
life. He also has Walter Cronkite's unique knack for turning American
victories into crushing defeats. And think how wonderful it would be if
CBS News did only one broadcast a year for about ten minutes. Cool.
Sorry, Katie. Maybe when we're all living under
Sharia... Oops. Maybe not.