Thursday, January 19, 2006

The Short List

XOFF NEWS. Reuters is reporting that the new president of CBS News has changed course from the direction plotted by CBS Corp. President Les Moonves in 2005.

Moonves last year suggested that CBS News might benefit by moving away from the traditional newscast presentations with a solo anchor delivering the news as if he or she were "the voice of God."

Since assuming his new position, though, Sean McManus has decided that the CBS audience really does want "the voice of God":

"I think having one person as your primary anchor is the way to go," McManus said. He confirmed that the new anchor would come from outside of the existing CBS News stable and that he and CBS Corp. chief Leslie Moonves are eyeing a "relatively" short list of candidates.

Makes sense. There can't be a long list of people with the credibility and authority to be as godlike as Walter Cronkite. You're looking for a particular kind of attitude, charisma, and world view that are darned hard to find. Everyone knows that Katie Couric is on the list, but hardly anyone knows what we've been able to learn -- the names of the other candidates for the CBS Throne of God. Here they are:

Keith Olbermann

If it's okay for God to be a complete blithering idiot, Keith would be a good choice. We'd bet a month's pay that this schmuck still believes Dan Rather's forged documents were authentic.

Terry Gross

She's the star of NPR's most popular interview program (dozens and dozens of people listen to it), and she sounds the way God would sound if He were a skinny woman with glasses and a lot of weird ideas. At least everyone would know that CBS wasn't trying to pull off a Peter Jennings imitation, like NBC did with Brian Williams. People would get used to her in time. Sort of.

Al Franken

Don't laugh. He's got that CBS News voice -- pompous, gravelly, and ponderous. He went to Harvard, you know, and his politics are right on the money. God is probably a stretch for him, but he is an actor; he might be able to get away with it. Look how long it's taken everybody to figure out that Walter Cronkite has the IQ of a turnip.

Randi Rhodes

With Air America going down in flames, this chick is going to need a job. She's probably only on the list because she's a female broadcaster who's also a certified Communist, but we think it would be a good idea to put her behind the big desk. We haven't watched CBS News for 40 years, so it's a good way to get her out of circulation.

Barbra Streisand

Is there really that big a difference between being God and thinking you're God? Oh. Well, she's already famous and she likes to talk about politics. No? Okay.

And the Winner is....

Osama Bin Laden

Now that he's not dead again, he's the perfect choice. He hates George Bush (almost) as much as all the others, and he's been working on the "voice of God" thing for most of his adult life. He also has Walter Cronkite's unique knack for turning American victories into crushing defeats. And think how wonderful it would be if CBS News did only one broadcast a year for about ten minutes. Cool.

Sorry, Katie. Maybe when we're all living under Sharia... Oops. Maybe not.

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