Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Antichristiane Amanpour

There are just two options, the way we see it.

FOREIGN CORRESPONDENT. Born in London. Educated at the University of Rhode Island. Worked at CNN. Slept with Peter Jennings. So there's no compelling reason why she would affiliate herself with the United States in any way. So we're not really mad at her for trashing our country, our troops, and our President at every single opportunity. After all, she's been chasing wars for a dozen years or so -- too much sun, sand, shrapnel, sex in un-upholstered vehicles -- these are things that make a girl old and embittered before her time. Not to mention the squiffy Rhode Island accent that makes her sound like she just swallowed a huge squirt of lemon juice. You know, too smart by half. She's probably having the same kind of identity crisis that's made Maureen Dowd envious of Georgetown streetwalkers and other interns.

So, once again -- in our constantly generous way -- we'd like to help. If she really were American, like, say, those network journalists who've made millions trying to destroy every presidential administration that didn't star a traitorous rapist, we'd recommend the Pelosi Total-Head-Rebuild, which always seems to restore women's self-esteem to an exorbitantly inflated level. But Ms. Amanpour is a citizen of the world, who has gleaned nothing but millions from the benighted nation to which she beams her journalistic ouevre, and for this reason we believe she has a second option: join the sisterhood of muslim women she has so solicitously yearned to restore to the beneficent ministrations of Saddam Hussein by taking the veil and hiding from the rest of us her war-ravaged fright mask. Besides, it won't be long before Saks is offering custom made burkhas for the affluent, suicidal feminists who root for Sharia while they spit nails at Alito. These are going to be very expensive frocks, but it's a good bet Antichristiane can afford a rack of them, and they'd go perfectly with the veil and the no driver's license and the Free Pass to the Rape Room. If she's really lucky, she can get her own talk show on Al-Jazeera, interviewing Araby's top female candidates for suicde bombings and honor killings.

All we ask is that the face she's been aiming at us for too long go away. Make it prettier, or make it disappear.

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